Why Do People Cheat | Therapy Long Island
Why People Cheat: Insights from Psychological Research and Esther Perel
He sat there, twiddling his thumbs. I looked up and wondered what was on his mind. This was a first session for me and Gerald*.
And though I’ve had many first sessions with clients over the years, I couldn’t recall a session that was silent for this long. And when I mean silent, I mean, little to no words. There was a lot of unspoken energy in the room; so there was non-verbal communication, of tension, fear and irritability. But, very little words. Well actually, since Gerald walked in, and introduced himself, and asked me if it was ok to sit on the grey velvet loveseat, he was quiet.
On our consult call Gerald had asked me if I worked with couples with trauma histories.
His question begged me to wonder what direction he was going in- meaning, it left me wondering what propelled the phone call, to begin with. Within a few minutes, Gerald said that he was suffering in a relationship and needed some help, but his buddies told him that he needed to see someone who was trained in trauma because, apparently, his wife had a “trauma history”. It seemed that though he used that term loosely, he didn’t know much about what that actually meant.
After what seemed like an eternity, Gerald finally began to talk. First, he began sweating and said
“I don’t think what I’m going to say is going to make any sense but these words have been swirling in my mind for days, so I just need to say them somewhere or I feel like I’m going to explore”.
My posture softened as I saw the distress he was in, and the fear of sharing. “I am here to listen, and don’t worry, it doesn’t need to make sense at all. You can let out as little or as much as you’d like”.
“Ok so I think my wife is having an affair”, he said. His eyes bulging.
“Well, I know it’s not true, I mean I can’t believe I’m saying this, Gerald, me, who has been loyal and happily married for 9 years. There is no way this is true but I just have these thoughts that don’t stop.”
He looked up at me, almost asking permission to go on. I take a deep breath, as I see he seems to be holding his- and I hope I can inhale some oxygen into the room, for the two of us.
I gently nod, and say “yes that makes so much sense", and then he carries on.
At this point, his speech speeds up and he shares; it’s almost like the dam finally broke and he can share what’s been spinning in his head for a while.
I wonder how long he’s had these thoughts. And how much he keeps inside, emotionally. He seems the kind of person to keep personal thoughts in, I note to myself.
“Ok so the thing is, Samantha has not been like herself lately. She’s been acting strange. And If I’m honest, it’s not just lately- it’s been a while…
His voice trails off. And tears begin to fill his eyes.
“Let me think, okay so when Andrew was born, we were hardly talking, but I convinced myself it was because we were both overwhelmed. But when I look back, if I’m honest, I know things weren’t good between us. There were nights she’d attempt to snuggle with me and I was so bogged down by work and worries, that I pushed her away.”
As Gerald kept sharing, I could see his shoulders soften. Though he was in pain, as he started stringing his story of the last few years together, he seemed to feel less confused. And with that, there was a slight relief in midst of the turmoil.
Gerald and Samantha were not okay - for a while. Affairs don’t usually pop out of no-where, there is often layers of disconnect, unhappiness, unspoken conversations and avoidance that’s been brewing for weeks, months or years.
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If you’re on here wondering “Why do People Cheat”, you’re in good company.
This is a question that many New Yorkers, and quite frankly, others across the globe, have been asking for years. Both the people who have been cheated on, as well as those who “cheat” seek clarity in understanding themselves, and who they are in relationship.
Infidelity is a topic that has intrigued and troubled relationships since the beginning of time.
If we zoom out, we can begin to understand why people cheat. It’s never a “this is the reason”, but rather, involves a complex interplay of psychology, societal norms, childhood experiences, and individual circumstances. A notable voice in this discussion include therapist, Esther Perel, whose work delves deeply into the human psyche and relationships.
The psychology behind why people cheat.
Emotional Dissatisfaction: Many men and women cheat not for physical reasons but because they feel emotionally unfulfilled in their relationships. They seek external validation, attention, or intimacy that they perceive is lacking in their relationship.
Desire for Novelty and Addiction: Evolutionary psychology suggests that some people may be wired to seek novelty. From a therapy perspective, this intense desire is often masking an addiction which is a form of escape, or needing a “high” to feel something. Addiction treatment helps with this.
Low Self-Esteem: Cheating can sometimes be an attempt to boost one’s self-esteem. Feeling desired by someone new can temporarily mask insecurities or feelings of inadequacy.
Opportunity & Lack of Integrity: Research indicates that people who find themselves in environments where infidelity is low-risk and accepted are more likely to cheat. As humans, who and where we surround ourselves with makes a large impact on our choices. Lack of accountability and integrity are also factors at play. Integrity keeps people aligned with their values and making choices that support their life goals.
Relationship Dynamics: Poor communication, unresolved conflicts, and lack of intimacy can create rifts in relationships. Instead of addressing these issues directly, some people may turn to infidelity as a way to escape or cope.
Does Childhood Trauma Impact Infidelity in Adult Relationships?
As we know, our developing years in childhood [and young adulthood] deeply impact our identity, belief of self and behavior choices. Often, when someone has endured childhood trauma, childhood emotional neglect or was raised with a high conflict environment, they are left with unmet needs or difficulties that tend to pop up in adulthood.
In intimate relationships, unresolved trauma, attachment issues, and early relational patterns often resurface. These are entirely unconscious, and bringing awareness to this is the first step to engaging in shifts for self and for relationships.
Here’s what research finds on the connection between childhood experiences and later infidelity
Attachment Styles: Research indicates that insecure attachment styles, often stemming from childhood neglect or inconsistency, can lead to difficulties in maintaining trust and intimacy in adult relationships. This can increase vulnerability to cheating.
Fear of Abandonment: Individuals who experienced abandonment or neglect during childhood may seek multiple relationships as a way to mitigate their fear of being alone. Infidelity becomes a maladaptive coping mechanism.
Emotional Regulation Challenges: Childhood trauma can impair one’s ability to regulate emotions effectively. Instead of dealing with stress, conflict, or dissatisfaction, they choose impulsive decisions such as cheating [drinking or drugging]. Being able to tolerate emotions is foundational to navigating life’s ups and downs and discomforts
Re-Enactments Trauma Dynamics: Some individuals unconsciously recreate the dynamics of their childhood trauma in adult relationships. This can manifest as seeking out destructive or unhealthy patterns, including infidelity, as a way to process unresolved emotions.
Esther Perel’s Perspective on Infidelity | Relationship Therapy New York
Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist and author of "The State of Affairs", offers a nuanced view of infidelity. She challenges the traditional narrative of cheating as solely a betrayal or moral failing. Instead, she explores the existential and emotional dimensions behind the act.
Infidelity as a Quest for Identity: Perel argues that infidelity is often less about the partner and more about the individual seeking something they feel is missing in themselves. This could be a longing for lost youth, freedom, or a sense of vitality.
Dual Needs: Security and Freedom: Perel highlights the tension between the human need for security and stability versus the desire for freedom and adventure. Cheating may be an attempt to reconcile these conflicting needs.
The Role of Fantasy: According to Perel, the allure of infidelity often lies in the fantasies it evokes rather than the physical act itself. The affair becomes a canvas for imagining a different version of oneself.
Cultural and Societal Expectations: Perel also examines how societal norms about female and male roles influence why people cheat. Unrealistic expectations and cultural pressures can lead to dissatisfaction and escapism.
Now, though these may be related to the “WHY”, it doesn’t end there. Taking time to self reflect and get clear and re-align with what matters to each party, is the first step. The next step is looking at the “WHAT” happened and “WHERE” do we go from here. For more on this - get one of Esther Perel’s books. She’s so wise!
Becoming loyal is not what you may think:
It’s not about the “cheater” becoming loyal to their partner. It’s about becoming loyal to themselves, first.
When a couple or when individuals from a couple show up at my therapy office in New York or Long Island, they often come in, seeking to “scotch tape” their relationships back together. And though that may make sense for the short term, the best route to go is inwards. Getting to know who they are, what emotions have gone unnoticed and beginning to develop an emotional vocabulary for themselves, first.
Disconnect from themselves is often related to acting out of integrity.
Being a chronic “people pleaser” and “keeping the peace” instead of speaking up, may be related to the breaking foundation. There may be a dance of pursuing/withdrawing going on. Or, a lot of criticism and lack of safety in the relationship.
Becoming loyal to themselves is about defining who they are, what their values are and how to re-commit to honesty, with themselves, first. Only then can they work on being more truthful with themselves, can they decide about what to do with a current relationship.
Healing is possible and repair is do-able. But the commitment to do the work needs to be one that both parties make- to themselves, first. And then, to the relationship.
Some relationships see affairs or cheating as a wake-up call and they use this to deepen their own selves, and their bond. And for others, the route is a little windier, or they may realize that one, or both, have needs or hopes that have gone unmet or lack of compatibilities.
The nuances are not figured out in a one time conversation, but when you take the time to unpack what’s beneath the surface, you do find clarity.
The message I do want to convey here is that there are more layers to relationship behaviors than may meet they eye. So if you’ve been cheated on, if you are the one who cheated, or if you’re close to someone navigating a relationship impacted by infidelity, hold these psychological concepts in mind. —
If you’re thinking, okay, “I got it, but you’re a therapist in New York and Long Island and I want some tips”, I’ve got some for you.
Where does someone who cheated or was cheated on, go from here.
Here are some suggestions:
Therapy and Counseling: Professional help is essential for addressing unresolved childhood trauma and the aftermath of infidelity. Therapies like Somatic Therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and couples therapy can provide guidance and healing.
Developing Emotional Awareness: Learning to recognize and regulate emotions is crucial. Practices like mindfulness, journaling, or meditation can help each of the individuals in the couple, process their feelings and avoid impulsive decisions.
Open Communication: Couples must engage in honest and transparent communication. Discussing unmet needs, boundaries, and expectations can prevent future issues.
Rebuilding Trust: Rebuilding trust requires consistent effort, accountability, and patience. Both partners need to fully commit to the process, which may include setting boundaries, seeking therapy, and fostering emotional intimacy. This includes getting to know each of your attachment styles and knowing what causes you to get triggered. And, actively work on managing your big emotions so they don’t bleed into the relationship.
Self-Reflection and Growth: For the person who cheated, it’s essential to reflect on their actions and motivations. Understanding the root causes of infidelity can help prevent future patterns. Engaging in Inner Child work can often provide insights into this on a deeper level.
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Now, if you’re wondering what happened with Gerald and Samantha, I’ll tell you.
But only if you don’t project their story on to yours; your patterns and your partners’ patterns are unique to you. And if you need one-on-one counseling, please do seek it!
Samatha joined Gerald a few weeks later. She joined begrudgingly as she was clearly shut down to Gerald. As the stories began to unfold, Samantha shared about the years she was seeking love and attention from Gerald and he was too distracted; but it wasn’t really due to his work, it was because he was an Avoidant. And Samantha was an Anxious. [read about attachment styles here]. As Samantha would reach more and more, Gerald would shut down more and more. Over time, Samantha stopped trying; and found her attention elsewhere. But she was not happy, she was sad, and feeling lost, confused and resentful that this is where her life was at.
They both were desiring to learn about themselves, separate from the outcome of the relationship, so they both engaged in their own therapy, Gerald with me, and Samantha with someone else. And, I referred them to someone else for couples work. The work was ongoing and ardious but they did slowly rebuild trust, as it was something they both wanted; to fight for the marriage and the love they had.
Now, turning to you dear reader.
If you’re reading this - I want you to reflect on your attachment pattern, and what kind of relationship you’re in. Awareness and self development is the best route to living aligned with integrity - with ourselves, and then, with others.
And if you or a loved one is seeking counseling in New York or Therapy in Long Island, book a FREE 15 min consult here.
Work with one of our skilled staff who offer counseling. Somatic Therapy, EMDR, Talk Therapy, Couples work to help you heal.
Wherever you are, I’m in my office in Long Island sending you strength and caring wishes.
Xx
Esther