Somatic Therapy, Adult Tantrums & "Arrested Development"
What is Somatic Therapy? Explained
How Somatic Therapy Helps with Anxiety
How a New Yorker almost lost his job due to Adult Tantrums and Anxiety.
He was a masterful lawyer.
One of the best in town.
Andrew was known to be shrewd in the courtroom - and won most of his clients' cases, most of the time.
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Yet, there were times Andrew would get stressed and would lash out. He reached out to me because he was starting to lose his focus at work - and his confidence in the courtroom was starting to dwindle.
His tantrums would have lost him his job....
Esther, I need you to help me. I don't know what is going on for me but lately I find that I have a case of nerves that get to me. And when they do, I act out. I'm embarrassed to say how I act.
But my assistant told me that she sees others in the office making faces at each other when I raise my voice- so I must not even notice how I'm acting. Help me."
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I was glad to hear that Andrew had awareness of his behavior, at least somewhat. And, he seemed committed to doing the work to be able to improve his "tantrums".
Do you ever adult tantrum?
Or do any of your loved ones "tantrum" and act younger than their age?
As I worked with Andrew, I realized that he had something called "Arrested Development". This is what happens when someone skips over certain phases of development and skips out on learning skills needed.
Acting in a Childlike Way when Triggered
Later on in life when they are older, when overwhelmed or triggered, they may act in ChildLike Ways - aka tantrums.
The good news? You can work on it. Here's How!
In my recent post on LinkedIn called "What is Arrested Development" I share about it and how to work with it. In the post, I explain the concept - and give you 3 steps to begin working on this - on your own!
And for therapists, how to work on this with your clients.
You just grew up too quickly!
Arrested Development usually shows up in adults, who as children, presented as “mature for their age" OR as"old souls".
Internally this usually means they had to mature too quickly - and didn't get to be "a kid". This is often related to why they have skills deficits, and act in the ways they do, when stressed or triggered.
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In my work with Andrew, we worked on his inner template and helped him develop skills to fill in the areas of development that were "skipped".
This helped him be able to be more emotionally regulated and better manage his stress.
His tantrums slowed down a lot.
And over a year of work, his workplace felt more comfortable with him.
And, his work improved.
No one knew the inner work he did aside me and his wife.
Inner work impacts outer life.
Read a review of the post I shared on LinkedIn. I made this post for Trauma and Somatic Therapists who are engaged in my Trauma & Somatic Training Program, but the tools are useful for anyone engaging in somatic and trauma healing work, as well.
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What is Arrested Development in Trauma Survivors And How to Work with it In session?
Normative Development is when a child goes through stages of development at the age they are in.
This is how, as children, we learn physical, social, emotional, and problem solving skills. Arrested Development is when the child skips some of the phases and misses out on developing those skills.
The most common reason this happens is Childhood Trauma and Childhood Emotional Neglect.
Children who experience ongoing trauma or neglect don’t get to be “kids”. They grow up too fast.
Their focus? Survival.
This impairs emotional maturity. Later, those children often struggle in relationships and often feel like they don’t belong.
This will often present as the child who is “matter for their age” or the “old soul”.
But beneath the surface, there often lies a mature skill developed prematurely. This means they also have underdeveloped parts of themselves. This is hwy some adults may seem to act in childlike ways when triggered or overwhelmed.
Somatic Skills to deal with Anger related to Arrested Development.
1- Nope, you’re not crazy
Your behaviors, though not ideal, are reflective of a skills deficit in you life. I want you to better understand what emotional, social or problem solving skill you are missing. Then, you can work on gaining that skill and practicing it so you can choose better and wiser as you get stronger and healthier.
Often, there is a developmental milestone that was missed in your childhood. In good somatic therapy, your therapist will work with you on hitting those milestone goals, in the therapy work.
You are not alone in this struggle. Many others are navigating this too- and you can grow and move through the milestone and gain skills!
2- Develop Self Soothing Practices
Let’s plan for waves of big emotions os that you can feel better equipped to deal with triggers and emotional dysegulation.
Identify things that regulate you - that make you calm. People, places, behaviors, songs and movements that leave you feeling calmer inside. Make it routine: Practice these self soothing practice daily so they become natural behaviors and choices you make when stressed or overwhelmed.
Having tools will help you move through triggers with more ease and trust.
3- Develop an Emotional Vocabulary
Alexyithymia is when there is a lack of emotional vocabulary This is common in trauma survivors and those who lives with neglect or in “survival modeL You may have a hard time identifying and describing emotions and feelings.
Here’s what helps: start with identifying and naming emotions. Then, tap into how those emotions feel in your body (develop a felt sense). Add new words to your emotional vocabulary beyond “happy” or “sad” for example: disappointed, hopeful, agitated etc.
Naming emotions provides relief as there is less confusion and more understanding of your inner experience.
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These are some of the strategies to help you. If you need more tools and support, we are here to offer one on one counseling for you and your loved ones.
Good trauma informed therapy will also help you learn skills you didn’t learn.
This helps you to become healthier and to then be able to develop more meaningful and healthy relationships!
Let me know in the comments, if this resonates for you, your loved one, or if you're a therapist, any of your clients.
Wishing you a lovely day,
Esther
P.S. If you’re looking to get support here are some ways.
Trauma Informed Counseling in New York and Long Island
We offer counseling at our Practice. Click here to book your FREE 15 minute consultation
What is Somatic Therapy ? Read here
IFS Therapy in New York
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If you're a therapist, sign up here to join our FREE Trauma Therapist Masterclass. If you can't make it live, you'll get a recording if you sign up.