Dating a Married Man | Relationship Counseling New York
characters in this article are fictional, created for the purpose of portraying therapeutic process.
Are you dating a “Married” Man?
Are you in a relationship with someone who is married, or is not fully ready to get into a relationship? Maybe they’re not “married” per se, but they are “married” to some unsettled issue in their life. A boundary they have not yet set, a work issue they need to tend to, children who need their attention or something else?
Being available for a relationship means we have capacity to connect.
And before you focus on the other person in your life, ask yourself “Am I available for a relationship, or am I “married” to some untended issue that needs some attention so I can be present to something new?” Often, when we are not emotionally available, we are drawn to others who are unavailable in some way too. Now, join me in the story below where I share about some insights from my therapy practice in Long Island and New York.
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The Married Man in New York
He was a sweet fella. Tall, lanky and wore a broad smile on his face. He had a lightness to his energy which was refreshing - it was almost like he didn’t have worry in the world. Yet, when he opened his mouth to speak, you would hear deep words of wisdom, research, insights about life and deep thoughts. You see, though he had just gone through a break up - with his wife- and was grieving the aftermath, he had an aura of relief that was tangible.
I had been seeing Josh for a few weeks and looked forward to our sessions together. He was insightful and engaged in therapy, and would come straight from his office in New York City.
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“Married man” I wrote in my notepad on the 8th session I had with him.
I wrote it in big and held it up for him to see. My notes were usually just for my own recalling of the clinical facts or notes to review - but this one page I had just these two words written down - and I showed it to him.
He chuckled. And then his face turned a lighter color.
He wasn’t happy with what were were discussing.
Let me give you some back drop to the story: Josh had just begun socializing again after his 15 year marriage. He had married his high school sweetheart and their relationship was rocky since the beginning. 15 years and 4 kids later, they both decided divorce was. better route. Josh was a loyal man, so though his marriage was loveless and empty, he focused on his schooling, his career and his children.
And as soon as he moved out of the house, and into his own place - he began feeling pangs of loneliness. He was relieved to be in this new chapter - so that the ache in his heart no longer consumed him - but new feelings suddenly arose. Attending social events was nice but didn’t satisfy his needs for deep connection. Understandably, he wanted more.
In our session, that day, we had realized that the lack of emotional, physical and sexual intimacy had been gruesome but until they decided to divorce, that yearning for connection was “on freeze”.
In the shifting of their marriage, his desires started bubbling up again.
Earlier in our session - just 20 minutes before, he shared the following “ “I met her at a friends birthday party” he said to me, with a sudden brightness in his eyes I hadn’t seen.
“ Listen, I didn’t even know what came over me because I’m not used to engaging with singles, but I just felt drawn to go over to her. At first, I just found her charming- she had this great smile, and a welcoming aura, but as I spoke to her I realized that she’s got depth and that we’ve got a lot of similar interests”
He looked up at me- almost wanting my opinion.
I waited to hear more…
“Who are you- and why have we never met”, said Debs. Debs was the girl he had met.
“I know almost all the men around town and I’ve never met you. You must be divorced then, are you?”
When a married man meets a single girl.
He went on to share about this interaction with Debs. He was animated as he described their conversation.
“I was drawn in by what she had to say, and we just hit it off. It was so cool.”
I looked up and smiled. “I’m so glad you had such a great interaction with this young lady. She sounds wonderful.”
But, just to be clear - you did tell her that you’re not yet divorced, right?
He looked up at me. A little agitated, almost like I was dimming his sunshine.
“No, I didn’t”.
Hmm. “Okay.” I said out loud. I wondered why he had not shared this relevant piece of information. That’s when I took my notepad and wrote “married man” and shared it with him.
He got the point.
It was important to share honestly. Especially since he had been so consumed with needing to pretend in his marriage, I wanted him to be mindful of not repeating that pattern- the pattern of pretending to be someone he was not. And to be mindful of the more subtle forms of pretending, such as omitting information in a conversation.
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The rest of our session we spoke about what was going on for Josh, how he was feeing in his life and what steps he needed to take to be transparent with Debs.
Leading with trust is always the best way, especially when developing healthier relationships.
I saw his disappointment. It was like I had come with a tiny safety pin and poked holes in his big shiny balloon. But though it was a let down, it was also an important reminder. Life will bring many many opportunities. People. Interactions. And how we act and behave is where we get to choose: to either repeat what we’ve always done or choose a more evolved choice.
I went on to share; “It may hurt for now, but holding a white lie isn’t the way to begin anything, especially not something that may be good for you down the line. And even if you don’t date Debs, you do want to be a transparent person - that’s who I know you to be- from the little bit I know.
When we live out of dissonance, we are operating out of fear.
Josh was living in a dissonance. Which means he was living in a disconnect - between where he wanted to be and where he actually was in life.
He was wishing that he was farther along in his divorce process. He was wishing he would be able to build something with someone new - but he was skipping ahead. Skipping ahead of his divorce process. Skipping over his grief of the marriage that had ended. Skipping over the emotions his kids were experiencing, about the loss and change in family dynamics.
The price-tag for skipping over emotions, especially during transition, is a hefty one.
Feeling into those feelings were rough -but skipping over this very important process would end up costing a heftier price tag. I’ve seen this over my therapy career- and in my personal life. We don’t get loop-holes in our healing. The only way upwards is through. And that’s why he was here. To process, to move through and to re-commit to a healthier, more authentic life.
As we spoke, I could see the lines on his brow begin to soften.
His skin tone was warmer and his cheeks were a light color of pink as he got passionate, talking about how his kids were doing. They were the primary reason he was going through the divorce. He was the kind of guy to “white-knuckle” through rough times, but they had begun suffering and showing signs of distress due to the turmoil, the silent treatments [between him and his wife] and the resentment that lived in the home.
They needed a happier home - or homes - and he was already seeing how this decision was the right one.
We then went into a discussion about how he was feeling about his marriage, his divorce proceedings and his current emotions. The story of his marriage, the wishes for love that kept dying and how he was left now, to rebuild. Slowly.
“I never would have thought that this is where my life would be.”
Josh had done everything “right”, yet here he was. He was slowly coming to terms with the fact that divorce was not a failure, but simply the only road him and his ex could take.
Life was hard, and it was also getting better, slowly. The kids were having a hard time with the transition but they were making headway. But his aching hunger did come - and we hung out with that feeling. His tendency was to shut down or to become enmeshed- and so this sudden excitement about Debs got me concerned because he had just begun feeling. Really feeling. He had just begun orienting to himself, who he was, and making sense of his life and his needs. It was uncomfortable work, but necessary work.
He owed it to himself to give himself this time to heal, to grow and to make choices from a wholesome place.
I saw the health in him and how he was beginning an important chapter that had taken so much courage to begin. I didn’t want him to miss out on this precious time, and I also didn’t want him to lead a girl on.
I reflected out loud,“Before jumping into a relationship - I’d like to see how we can help you be with who you are and what you’re going though.
I went on, "“It’s up to you if you want to be with someone or not- but I want to be mindful that you don’t skip over some important processing of emotions as they don’t go away, they’ll just come up later and now is the best time to process them.”
As we wrapped up our session, I could sense that Josh felt lighter. Clearer. More focused and tapped into his life.
His posture was taller, his energy, more vibrant and he had the stance of a man who was taking ownership of his life.
This was growth. His life had previously been about him doing things for others, or doing what he was told to do, and he was stepping into what was right, healthy and aligned; with his integrity, with his life values and with a pathway he was trailblazing for himself. I wondered how his conversation would go with Debs, and how she would take the information. What I was certain about was that he was doing the right thing- and I respected him for doing the difficult but right thing. Being honest with her about where he was at. Being on his path. And slowing down to the speed of wisdom.
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Now, turning to you dear reader, I wonder how this story lands for you.
Is there an area in your life where you may be living in dissonance?
Is there a space in your life where you’re wanting to “jump ahead”, or move to the next chapter but you’ve not yet laid a steady foundation beneath you to be able to take that step?
So many times we want to make a change, create a shift, go for that next step - and though it is the direction we are heading in, we flounder, and then get frustrated. Instead of pushing ahead, sometimes the best thing we can do is pause. Breath. Reflect. Ask yourself …
“Have I done the ground work needed to welcome this next chapter or take this next step?”
This may be learning to tolerate uncertainty.
This may be knowing that failure is part of success - and that if and when you try something new- it may take a different kind of mental and emotional energy than you anticipated.
It may mean that right now is not the time to apply for that promotion, but instead, focus on your child at home who is needing some extra attention.
It may mean that it’s time to tend to your health and your nighttime routine before adding more social events to your calendar -so you can actually show up as a more grounded person.
It may mean that you need to do some of your own inner work before focusing on your relationship, as your patterns are playing a role in the uncomfortable dynamic you’re in right now.
And…..if you’re married, or emotionally unavailable right now, it may be time for you to be checked in to the life you’re in and not jump into some fantasy world of where you wish you were.
Yes, it may feel compelling- to skip ahead- and live in dissonance, but skipping a step always comes with a price tag- either now, or later.
So please do the next best thing for you.
And if it feels too hard to be present in your life, or it feels like you need some breathing space, and connection…
Then find someone, a friend, a colleague or a mentor to connect with. If you’re looking for counseling find a therapist to help you hold and process your pain. And, if you’re needing a social group, check out events, the library or volunteer. And, if you’re hungering for a relationship, and you’re ready for one, then be real with yourself and the other person about what you want in this phase of life. Why? because honesty always leads us to better roads- in work, in friendship, in community, in love and in family life.
The good news? when we are honest with ourselves, the road ahead feels a lot clearer.
And when we are clear, life feels so much darn better. Do the thing that leads you to resolving the dissonance you may be living with.
Or even take one small step in that direction. You’ll thank yourself later.
Sending loving wishes your way,
Esther
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