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It's OK to be Happy Too

Tips for Maintaining Some Balance and Perspective thisHoliday Season

September can be a time of newness and excitement. It can come with a distinct freshness in the air, renewed energy and an eagerness to keep up with all your new organizational plans. Our six-month-long summer is now over and it can be so exhilarating to get back to a regular routine.

September, Jewish Holidays, Joys and Emotional Hick-Ups

For those who are Jewish, the spiritual elements of the month make it a prime time to think about all of your hopes and dreams for the new year. This built-in focus can be delightful and wonderful to experience. There are so many ways to get into the holiday mood even when you are not feeling it. I’ve certainly done my fair share of writing “shana tova (happy new years)” cards, decorating my home and playing music that fills the air with joyous spirit. There are many years that I have gotten really into it and these practices really help a lot. Over my lifetime, I have had a number of years that I have been blessed to fully feel satiated with joy and connection to those around me and to G-d. I have felt a rush of passion, diving into the wonders, possibilities and prayers.

And if you’re feeling the joys and wonders and are feeling snuggly and warm inside, that’s a gift. Take it in. Relish in the love and wonder.

You are allowed to feel happy and whole.

Even if you haven't always felt this way, and even if those around you aren't feeling this way, you’re allowed to be happy at this time of year. When we feel joy, we can share that cheer and joy with others around us, and we can find beauty in the moments for ourselves and our loved ones.

When holidays feel far from joyous, this is for you

And at the same time, we all know that this experience called life isn’t linear. Not every year is an equally similar one. As a traveler of life and as a fellow human being, I’d be lying if I’d say that I’ve only experienced seasons of joy, robust happiness and holidays that were filled to the brim with all my hearts’ desires. I, just like many of you, know the faces of struggle and I am exquisitely aware of the times in life when celebrating holiday season seems out of sync with the reality of life.

So, this is for you, my dear friend

If you’re in one of those seasons where you’re facing something in your life or are navigating some personal struggle; you may look towards the holiday, and feel an urge to run in the other direction all your might.

The pressure can be the burden of needing to be “on” and present for an entire month that is meant to be objectively “joyous”. And having to fake a smile can be downright exhausting, and there’s no easy pill or activity that gets you to feel “sparkly” inside in order to get in touch with the festive mood.

You may be feeling let down by those in your life, hurt and you may even be feeling angry at G-d, dreading the long days spent in devotion - needing to go through the motions without much depth or feeling to what is going on.

You’re not a bad person for having complicated emotions towards God and Holidays

And if this is where you’re at, you’re not a bad person. Actually, you're pretty normal. Life is a compilation of ups and down, of connection and disc connect, of feeling understood and of feeling lost.

And while you’re in whatever season of life you’re in, you may be tapped into duel elements at the same time; joyfulness and sadness and/or hope and dread. It’s quite possible and even probable to have different emotions at once. They can and do often coexist.

Why the holiday brings up the “big feels”.

The winds of change inevitably bring new obstacles each year, and sometimes the biggest challenge is finding the strength to accept that you can hold dual truths inside you at the same time.

For those of you that lean toward black and white thinking, all or nothing, happy or sad… this concept can be very different to grasp.

Here’s a whisper in your ear, letting you know you're not alone.

This blog is meant to be a whisper in your ear, in loving acknowledgement that as a fellow human and therapist, I’ve been on both sides of the holiday experience and all the various emotions that tend to bubble up to the surface in between. I get it. And if you’re on the rockier spaces, the best thing you can do is to create a space to simply be where you're at, without trying to force or change how you’re feeling. Life will ebb and flow, and my wish and hope is that you will experience moments of joy as the time moves along and you do your work to build the best life possible. (of course, if you're in need of some support or counseling, it would be a wise time to reach out for help so you get one-on-one support to help you).

You don’t need to apologize or feel bad for finding this time of year okay and even enjoyable

Your timeline of suffering and joy may be different than the world around you. Though the world is going through a lot of changes, you may have faced challenges in the past and are, for the first time feeling joy. And that’s okay. Your timeline of suffering and healing is allowed to be different than those around you.

Of course, with the heightened focus that social media has placed on mental health during the coronavirus pandemic, it may seem weird to you if you are not actually feeling stressed right now. For many people I’ve worked with, they’ve suffered a long time. Life has been hard for them, and when they finally start feeling happy and whole, there’s a feeling of guilt. And if you’re in relate to this, I want to say this:

Your life is meant to be enjoyed.

You’ve done the hard work, and you can savor what today has to offer you while being compassionate to others in a different phase of life.

There is no need to get caught up in the peer pressure to overanalyze your state of being.

We tend to get caught up in defining our mental state in specifics but it doesn’t have to be that way. You don’t have to decide or identify that you are one way or the other.

Here are some tips for maintaining some balance and perspective this season.

Remember that you can hold two truths at the same time. This is actually a big part of DBT therapy (D stands for dialectical). Dialectical essentially refers to balance between opposites. When we are encouraged to think dialectically, it means that we try to consider that two things that seem opposite can actually coexist. We don’t have to either love or hate someone because every person has positive and negative qualities. We don’t have to be either strong or weak because we can be both in different ways and at different times. And we don’t have to choose whether we are happy or depressed. We can be happy about a lot of things in our life and at the same time be down about others.
Gratitude can be therapeutic. You can be facing a rough patch in some aspects of your life and still be grateful for others. Neither experience negates the other. When we can identify the parts of our lives that we are grateful for out loud, our neural pathways for gratitude are strengthened and we are more likely to feel even more grateful for our blessings as time goes on.
Forgive Yourself. With all this talk of forgiveness during this holiday season, we tend to get caught up with asking for forgiveness from others or from G-d, but we forget that we too need some mercy and self-love.
Find a balance between acceptance and change. We tend to get caught up with growth and change during the holiday season and forget that acceptance of where we are at is just as critical. Sometimes just sitting with where we are at is more important than change.
Try to stay flexible. With all the craziness that holiday season brings we look forward to the moments that we actually planned to the T. But guess what, no matter how much you try to predict the unpredictable, you won’t be able to predict everything that can go wrong. In those moments, try to accept that this new reality is meant to be and try to rise to the challenge of creating a new experience that you had not planned for.
Focus on the here and now. With all the talk about repentance and forgiveness, it’s easy to get caught in a trap of regret (past issues) or worry that your efforts won’t be good enough (future issues) which can leave you ruminating uncontrollably. Try to stay present and focused on the here and now. You can’t do anything to change the past. You can certainly try to learn from it… but you can’t change it. It’s also not helpful to worry about the future. I can assure you that you will make mistakes and it won’t be smooth sailing, but that is all a part of the growth process. When we can stay focused on the present that’s when the most meaningful moments are made.

Warm words for your sweet heart

And as I wrap up, I want to gently wish each of you a sweet new year of wishes coming true, of healing the hurting hearts and of finding inner peace in place and creating connetion and love in place of disconnect and confusion. If you’re in a dark season, please know that seasons do change. If you’re needing some one-on-one help, please do yourself a favor and reach out for support.

And if you’re in a lighter season and are feeling the sparks of possibilities, my heart is happy with yours.

And for the moments of ups and downs that are expected, no matter what phase or seasons of life you're in, know that I’m with you doing this thing called life, right with you.

Living.

Loving.

Learning.

Growing.

Humbling.

Smiling.

Crying.

Laughing.

Praying

and Trusting.

Much Love Your Way

Esther

It's Okay to be Happy Too - words for you when you're happy or sad in holiday season