A Holiday Healing Story for You with Parts Therapy
*all information has been changed to protect client confidentiality
A story of a client’s healing using Parts Work
Internal Family Systems Therapy and more
Finding relief from holiday season blues, from long long ago
Let me tell you a bit about my client Sandra* who was feeling overwhelmed in September. I hope her story below can offer some warmth to your sweet soul. (yes, of course, details of all clients have been changed to protect confidentiality).
…..
As Sandra walks into my office, without needing to say a word to me, I can already sense how she feels. She looks like the weight of the world is resting on her shoulders. Her eyes are glassy and distant. Her usual timid smile is noticeably forced into a nervous and tight upward half-moon, and quivering slightly. It seems as if she some tears are needing to be shed, as her body seems to be holding too much, in this moment.
Life has been hard for Sandra in general. Knowing her challenges with her family of origin and her recent struggles to manage her daily life, I had a sense that this holiday time / back-to-school season would throw a monkey wrench into her mental health and overall sense of wellbeing.
Over the last two years, Sandra’s stressful family dynamics have reached their peak - leaving her feeling regularly frazzled, confused and “out of it” as she does her best to balance all of her obligations. Her husband tries to be understanding, but he has also been on edge lately. There were lots of layoffs in his company over the last few months and nobody knows who will be next. This uncertainty has made him withdraw and he has been more distant lately. Her kids are a delight (at times), but she feels in over her head as a parent.
Sandra is Jewish and traditional, so she is currently facing the start of a month of holidays; Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, and 8 “joyful” days of Sukkot - all contributing to inconsistent schedules and extra demands on her. Under normal circumstances, routine and organization is enough to keep Sandra somewhat grounded - but this holiday season in particular is full of extra anxiety for her.
I can see that the holidays won’t fit comfortably into Sandra’s life until something shifts inside her.
“I know you may think it’s silly”, she says to me, “but this time of year makes me wish I could simply disappear. I wish I can just ignore my family until this is all over. I mean, I don't plan on actually doing anything, I’m not running away or anything like that, but if I am being truly honest, I wish there was an easy way to make it all go away.”
I look at Sandra. I so adore her ability to be blunt and not skirt around the truth. As a straight shooter, she isn't one to hint towards pain, rather she says it as it is.
This time of year is meant to be uplifting for Jewish people; It’s auspiciously a time meant to inspire, to connect with family and community, and to thank G-d for all the blessings in our lives.
When holidays simply feel like a highlighter to your unresolved issues, to your unanswered prayers or to your lifelong struggle
But what if you are like Sandra?
What if you are struggling with mental health issues, anxiety, dysfunctional families, social isolation, feelings of hopelessness, a strained marriage, financial struggles and a multitude of other unknowns.
Holidays are not always “joyful”. Holiday seasons can actually highlight the pain that someone is already struggling with. Holidays can put grief into a front row seat along with an intense pressure buildup.
Sandra looks up. “Esther, I'm serious. Can you find a way to help me - like now, like today?”
“Of course I can”, I answer, “Hold on, let me dig into my bag of fairy dust powder. As you think happy thoughts, I will sprinkle it all over. My special stash can make time go away and can heal all boo boos in an instant”.
She chuckles and we both feel a bit of lightness fill the room around us.
When I wish I had a bag of “fairy dust powder” to make all your pain go away
I might not have a bag of fairy dust at my disposal, but as an integrative therapist, I do have different tools I can use to help Sandra understand better what she is going through and help her to find some healing powers within herself (also known as internal resources).
I decide to look at Sandra’s current challenges using a “parts” perspective, specifically, a technique called “Internal Family Systems”.
I explain to Sandra that we each have multiple “parts” inside of us. When we are first born, we have very basic parts like happy and sad, but as we get older, more parts join our internal family to help take care of us in different ways. These parts all come about at different moments in time to protect us in different ways, and they all had extremely vital roles in the past (childhood or even adulthood, when facing specific struggles).
As we grow up though, some of those parts continue to take control when we are triggered by situations or people that feel dangerously familiar. When this happens, our protective parts take control of the driver's seat, “helping us” as we react to these new painful situations... but in the same way they did back then. Some survival tactics, although really well-intentioned and so helpful to at different times, are maladaptive for adults.
Internal Family Systems, A “parts” therapy method to healing and understanding yourself
In IFS we learn to get in touch with our strong “core self” and take back control of the wheel, so to speak. We get to know all the different parts that are trying to help us but are still stuck in childhood, and we teach them to channel their strengths and adapt their methods to be more adult-like. We learn to love and appreciate all of our parts for everything they have done for us over the years and thank them for all of their dedication and support.
I ask Sandra if this urge to run away is a new one, or if she's ever felt this urge or feeling before.
“So interesting”, Sandra chimes in. “This feeling does feel familiar. But I can’t put my finger on why.”
Sandra is trying to identify and connect with a part of her that wants to disappear, emotionally disconnect and dissociate.
Survival Strategies and Circuit Breakers
As paradoxical as it sounds, the part of her that wants to disappear, is actually trying to help her system survive.
Sort of like a circuit breaker. Usually when we talk about circuit breakers we are referring to an automatically operated electrical switch designed to shut down when a circuit becomes overheated or overwhelmed. It is designed to interrupt the current flow or shut down the system entirely in order to protect it from any major damage. Our bodies have built-in circuit breakers (or parts of ourselves) as well that kick in sort of the same way. They say, “I see you are triggered - no worries! I got this. Let's shut it down” or some other sort of coping strategy.
When your body flashbacks are an invitation to healing past pain so you can feel relief
“Let’s try to help you with this feeling of wanting to escape, to “get away”. I may be wrong but it seems this urge has deeper roots than just being a passing feeling in this moment, or it probably wouldn’t be impacting you in this way.
Can we try to work with this in our session today?”
Sandra looks at me intently as I watch her register a moment in time, “Actually yes. I’m remembering a time when I was about 14 years old and my parents were fighting non stop. I remember wishing that they would just get a divorce already because it would be less painful than hearing their non stop screaming. I can even hear the sound of my mother’s favorite vase shattering on the floor as she threw it toward my father and missed. This was such an overwhelming time of my life. My current internal feelings of fogginess, shutting down and wanting to die feel exactly like they did at that time.”
We are getting somewhere.
“Do you remember your emotions and maybe even some body sensations you might have experienced at that time?” I ask her.
Sandra sits up straighter than I have seen her sit in a long time and says, “At first I was scared and lonely. As an adult I can now see that I was being emotionally neglected. I was not a part of any of their fighting, although I often felt like I was the cause of it. I blamed myself for their behaviors, but I was for the most part, invisible to them - unless they needed me to take care of my little sister. But even when I took care of her, I never felt like I was a big enough help.
I couldn’t protect her enough. When I think of that time of my life the word that comes to mind is overwhelmed. I felt like I was standing on very shaky ground, my insides rumbled as if I could fall into a sinkhole at any moment.
My brain felt foggy. My grades went from straight As and Bs to Cs and Ds. My stomach always ached and I felt like throwing up frequently. I remember running upstairs to my bedroom closet on numerous occasions, crying on the floor in the fetal position for what seemed like hours. I would cry until I felt numb.
I never considered doing anything extreme like running away because I didn’t want my younger sister to ever have to deal with me not being okay but I certainly wished to G-d that I would help me disappear, and, sometimes I even wished to die of natural causes. I even prayed for it. I hate to admit it, but I feel this way sometimes lately, when things get stressful. I love my husband and kids, but I sometimes wonder, at moments, if it would be easier for them if I disappeared. I worry I am failing as a mom and a as a wife.”
Dissociation as a survival strategy when life was stressful, as a kid
Sandra seems to be identifying with a part of her that thinks disconnecting, disappearing or just “ going away”might be a good “shut down” strategy. That part was obviously in conflict with another part that was protecting her younger sister, and is currently protecting her husband and children... but this part of her that wanted to disappear (or emotionally disconnect ) is now screaming to be seen and heard. It truly believes that escaping and/or disconnecting might help Sandra with her current problems.
Visualization exercise to work with an inner child
I encourage Sandra to see her 14 year old self as if on a movie screen in her mind.
As we do this, I notice a shift. She moves from being slumped to sitting up, it almost as if she has something important to say. I encourage her to notice if there is any somatic mind-body sensation or movement or word that the 14 year old needs to say or share, as this shift happened as I asked about the 14 year old.
Psychodrama, somatic work and releasing healthy anger and unspoken words
She gets up and says “ You’ll think I’m nuts but I really need to do this”
Sandra knows that I don’t think anything she’ll do is “nuts”, if anything, I encourage healthy forms of expression so that she can relieve whatever it is that’s coming up.
She gets up, stands tall and begins to slowly stomp her feet. First slowly, and then with some encouragement, she starts stomping with some real strength I ask her if there are any words that go along with the stomping and she says, or actually yells,
“Mom, dad, stop yelling. I hate this. I hate the yelling. I want to love holidays but all I feel is trapped because all holiday is, is hearing how the two of you fight nonstop.
She seems upset. But also I notice how she is beginning to breath better. Her eyes fill with tears as she goes on.
“I can't stand this. Stop stop stop.”
At this point, her tears are flowing. She is feeling the sadness and the pain. It is no longer stuck inside of her, but it’s here, right in the room with us.
As her therapist, I’ve been standing near her, and at this point I ask if I can join her. It’s a way to strengthen this experience and for her to feel my support, right there with her.
In this moment we were helping this 14 year old who had been holding all this trapped energy and anger and fear, all unexpressed until now.
And what I’m understanding, is that this is that these trapped emotions and memories are related to why she has such intense emotions around holiday time- they are emotional flashbacks to these memories.
{If you don’t know what an emotional flashback is, click here for blog on “Anxiety and Emotional Flashbacks- What’s the Connection?” }
As we wrap up this exercise, she settles down and cushions herself on the cozy couch and surrounds herself with a fuzzy blanket I have on the sofa. She sit in silence, and slowly processes the depth of this experience. The air is silent, but powerful. She weeps salty tears that steam down her pink plush cheeks.
She sits down and breathes a sigh of relief.
Sandra begins to realize that what she needed a long long ago, but never got from her parents, was a sense of security and stability. She also needed a place to express the emotions she had bottled up inside because they weren't safe to express them, ever, and every holiday her body would have body memories of feeling trapped and would bubble up each holiday.
Connecting with your parts of self can help you feel more whole, connected and present
I ask Sandra to imagine her adult, grown up self to “step into” the movie screen and sit down on the floor of the closet with her child part. I ask her to tell me what this child needs in order to feel stable and secure. Since Sandra never got emotional coaching from her early caregivers, this is actually quite a difficult exercise for her. When she gets stuck I coach her with words that might comfort and support that scared and lonely 14 year old part.
As she envisions her adult self sitting on the floor, hugging her child-part, giving her some much needed validation, Sandra eyes tear up again and her body seems overcome with emotions. She motions that she needs silence, and shares how this part doesn’t want to “talk” but just wants to see grown up Sandra and her therapist (myself). I reassure her that perhaps her child part is comforted just being seen by her, and us, and that is a big step.
I encourage her to just sit there next to her and allow for those emotions to flow with her tears until she notices a shift.
As we continued our session Sandra’s eyes turn from glassy to bright.
After a few minutes I ask her how her 14 year old part is doing.
“I feel this sense of relief, Esther. It’s like a let go of a 50lb brick. I never thought that my parents fighting impacted me in any significant way.
It’s interesting how this experience is so embedded in me. I never realized how significant that experience was to who I am today.”
Your coping skills of the past can be used as strengths, today
“Sandra”, I looked her straight in the eye, “You can certainly ‘get through’ anything! You are a very strong and capable person. I sense that you no longer want to bury or deny your very real struggles, which is a huge step for you. That part of you that glorified the fantasy of escaping, shut down your system when you were 14, protected you when you needed it.
Can we gently express your gratitude to that part for saving you? And also let that part know that as an adult Sandra, today’s turbulence can be navigated with your adult self in the driver's seat. Let’s help the 14 year old see that there are other ways we can help her and you survive when life gets stressful.”
When the Adult Self is in the drivers seat, you can tend to life with more focus + energy
With Sandra’s adult, core “self” now in the driver’s seat, Sandra’ sense of balance is coming back online.
And the reality of struggles of her adult today definitely made some of these come to the surface as well. There’s her marriage that is needing some attention so that her and her husband feel more love towards one another, and there’s real life stressors that are needing attention.
Once we begin to process her unresolved, feelings that were keeping Sandra feeling trapped and stuck in the urge to “disappear”, she was able to free up her emotional and mental energy to focus on the areas of her here-and-now life and take steps to improve those aspects.
Releasing memories or anxiety from the past can help you have more energy and ability to show up to your life, today
At the end of our session, Sandra felt a shift. Her body language had shifted somewhat to being more confident and self assured, and she left feeling more energized to face the tasks at hand. And her urge to "sleep through or escape” until the holiday was over, had significantly subsided.
We don’t expect a “survival part” to disappear after one session ( in this case, her part that would fantasize about running away or emotionally disconnecting). Rather, we work with it and as we do good work, it softens over time. It’s expected to have some of the feelings ebb and flow in this work, but there is usually a significant shift as we work with the “parts” inside and help the whole system.
As part of her bigger treatment goal, over the next few months we focused on teaching more adaptive strategies to deal with turbulent times in Sandra’s life alongside some reading homework and journaling prompts I encouraged. As well, in our work with parts work, it’s important to integrate the “parts” into life- and so I encouraged Sandra to check in with that child part from time to time to making sure she was still feeling seen and heard.
This is the gift of healing.
It’s hard and it wont change overnight, but it does provide shifts when you stick to it.
So, turning back to you, my dear reader, I hope there is something in here that either resonates or makes you feel just a tad less alone in this holiday season, especially if it has some grumpy or bumpy spots for you, at some moments in time.
If you’re needing some support, please do reach out to someone who can hug you, hold you or hear you out as you face this time of year. And if you’re needing some objective personal support, please do reach out for counseling.
You can get the right help you need.
And for those of you forging ahead and making the most of the sweet moments and riding the rocky waters as they come and go, keep sailing’ on.
And my hope and wish for you is that the sweet moments outweighs the rough ones, and that you get to make memories of peace and love and joy as the year slowly unfolds.
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We also use other scientific based methods such as EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, Internal Family Systems/ Parts work, Expressive Arts, and Cognitive Talk therapies. Reach out today for your free 15 minute consultation to see how we can help you feel better.
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My honey-covered, warmest holiday wishes
Esther