What's Your Attachment Style?

Relationship Therapy in New York City & Long Island

What’s your attachment style? In dating and relationships in New York City, this is a question that comes up often. You’ll want to date and marry someone with a secure attachment style as your life will be so much smoother. And, you’ll want to embody a secure attachment template as you’ll feel so much more comfortable in your skin when you feel secure - with yourself and others. When you’re secure you also create security for your loved ones, children and those who are in connection with you.

Secure Attachment in Relationships = Joyous Life

 We’ve been talking all about relationships, and today I'm here with more. 
Learning about attachment helps you better understand yourself so you can have better and more fulfilling relationships. With yourself, your loved ones and life. I want that for you, so let's dig in!

Let's Dive into Relational Templates

From the moment we’re born, we learn what to expect from the people around us. 

I want to take you with me for a moment into an nourishing home and show you what this looks like from the inside…
 

A Mom brings home a newborn baby from the hospital. She has a supportive partner and a network of family and friends. Her physical and emotional needs are taken care of and her “village” supports her in motherhood. 

When her baby cries, she picks him up lovingly. When he has a dirty diaper, she changes him right away. She responds to her baby with love and attunement. 
 

This baby will likely develop a secure attachment to Mom.

If this template is repeated throughout his childhood and adolescence, he will likely grow up with the capacity to connect deeply with the people in his life. He’ll know how to self-soothe, he’ll be attuned to his feelings, and he’ll feel confident in expressing his needs. He will go on to developing healthy relationships where he speaks his needs and trust they can and will get met. And where he can meet the needs of those in connection with him

 Now let’s re-enter the same home, where Mom doesn’t have support. 
 

When the baby cries, she feels nervous, insecure, or overwhelmed. She may give him a blanket when he's really hungry, or tired. She may not be attuned to her child as she's mis-attuned from her own self. She may be anxious around her child, always checking on him, and feeling afraid. Perhaps she simply doesn’t have anyone to help or support her, or there are other stressors in her life that make it difficult to respond to her baby with a loving, calm presence.  

This baby will likely inherit Mom’s anxiety and develop an anxious attachment style. 

This can make him feel responsible for the emotions of the people around him, leading to hypervigilance and worry in his relationships. As he grows older, he might struggle with self-doubt, constantly seeking reassurance from others, not trusting that he’s loved and valued. He may feel clingy to others, grasping at any form of connection, out of fear and desperation. He may end up in relationships where he either people pleases [taking care of other peoples' emotions] and/or worries about being ignored or left.

Now let’s take this same Mom and change her behavior. Instead of feeling anxious around her baby, she tends to avoid responding effectively.
Maybe she responds with irritation, shoving the bottle at him, or perhaps she is depressed or simply too exhausted to respond at all. 

This baby will likely develop an avoidant attachment type.

 He might believe that big emotions are scary and must be hidden. He might be scared that sharing his emotions will cause others to leave him, or he might shove his feelings down because he’s internalized the message that expressing them is useless as there is often no response, anyway. As he grows up, he might have difficulty trusting others and struggle with forming close relationships. He’ll have a tendency to avoid his emotions, avoid other people's emotions, struggle with vulnerability, and have difficulty developing meaningful relationships with emotional intimacy.

Now it’s your turn. Do you know your attachment type?

Most of us have a mixture of attachment types: meaning, a base of secure and a tendency toward either anxious or avoidance. 

Two pointers to keep in mind that:

• We aren't usually boxed into one exclusive type

• Though attachment style is developed in childhood, it is either reinforced or shifts as we experience later relationships in life. 

The good news?

No matter what attachment style you have, you can become more secure in yourself and in your relationships. The first step is to identify your  relationship patterns, and understanding your attachment style.  

Then, we can begin addressing and securing your relational patterns = which improves your quality of life =)
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Next week I’ll talk about some things we can do to promote a more secure attachment template.

Psst: yes, there's a term called "earned secure attachment" where you can develop a more secure attachment even if you didn't grow up with one!  

And, if you're feeling bold, comment with your attachment style.
I read every comment and would love to hear from you!

Sending loving wishes your way, 

Esther  & The Integrative Team 

Anxiety & Relationship Therapy NYC & Long Island

Looking for one on one counseling to improve your relationships? Our therapists are trained in attachment oriented therapy and are here to help you. Book a free 15 minute consult call today!