Develop A Secure Attachment
Counseling for Anxiety in Long Island, New York.
Today, I’m going to talk about how anxious and avoidant tendency types can become more secure.
A note to keep in mind: relationship dynamics are affected by the attachment style of the other person in the relationship.
Generically, a secure attachment type might struggle in a relationship with an avoidant or anxious type, and an avoidant or anxious type might feel more secure with a secure attachment type. The goal is for each of us, is to become more secure inside.
The fist step? Understanding your attachment style.
How to do that? recognizing your patterns across multiple relationships. Let's learn more, below.
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Anxious = Seek SAFETY
For an anxious attachment type, it’s important to remember that this template craves safety.
If you're anxious, you may tend to rely on others to help you regulate your emotions, and may be afraid of being abandoned or left alone. You may often prioritize these fears over your own needs.
In order to find meaningful and fulfilling relationships, the first step is to prioritize your needs and find safety within.
Here are some questions to ask yourself if this is your attachment style:
Do I recognize my needs?
Can I effectively communicate my needs in relationships?
Do I tend to abandon myself – physically or emotionally – for others?
Do I neglect myself, or place others' needs above mine?
As you begin taking better care of yourself, you will begin to attract relationships with people who respect you, as you respect yourself. And let go of those who don't.
Avoidance = a tendency to FLEE
For avoidant types, it’s important to remember that your automatic reaction to intense or difficult emotions is to dismiss, shut down or judge them. If you're avoidant, your tendency is to flee.
If you're an avoidant, you might think:
“why do I even need relationships?"
"I’m fine on my own.”
"I find it stifling to be close to others"
For these types, the work begins by fishing below the surface and finding the deeper truths that may provide a more balanced approach to connection.
Instead of “I don’t need this relationship,” you can learn to recognize that…
"Though it's scary for me because no one told me how to deal with intense emotions, I'm learning that I could face them and survive.”
"Being in connection with someone else does not mean that I am going to lose my sense of individuality or self. I can take space as needed."
Once you become more in tune with yourself, and realize that you are not in active threat [for being in connection with someone], you will be able to tolerate relationships- and even enjoy them =)!
You won’t prematurely shut relationships down because you're not drawing away (as often) when you feel uncomfortable. And, you'll get to build relationships, slowly, while maintaining a sense of self.
Relationship Skills in Long Island, New York.
For any attachment type, it always comes down to this: a secure internal template needs to be created and only then, can it be replicated.
What may sound paradoxical is that we develop a secure sense of attachment in relation to others. Yep, we are social creatures and our secure attachment template gets solidified and built with others.
So, if you have an anxious or avoidant tendency, working on your patterns with a trusted other can help you make a shift. Finding a friend, a mentor, a therapist or someone who is consistent and steady in your life, can help.
Relational Trauma Healing + Building a Secure Attachment
If you've had attachment trauma or relational wounding, you may need more than a relationship with a mentor - to work though the beliefsconnected to your behavior.
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In therapy, a skilled therapist holds space for this growth by stepping in as a temporary paternal or maternal figure to help cultivate an inner secure attachment.
A secure template can be replicated in all relationships.
Once you cultivate that security within, you can take this more secure template- and it can be replicated in any relationship.
A secure template changes your life in these ways:
you're able to be more present with your loved ones and kids.
you're able to better tolerate emotional intimacy
you're better able to navigate moments of disconnection and disagreement.
you have more emotional flexility.
Attachment focused therapy is an experience that leaves you with new tools. You don't just go to talk, but as you talk you carve a more solid template that you then get to use in your life.
Learning about your attachment style and taking small steps to making it more secure is one of the best investments you'll make in your life.
Stay tuned for more attachment-informed wisdom.
Sending warm wishes your way,
Xx
Esther & The Integrative Team
P.S. We are here for you. At our therapy practice, we focus on attachment informed therapy so that you can do the work, implement the shifts and feel more secure, in all areas of life.
Relationship Counseling in Long Island, New York. Book a FREE consult today!