When Your Body Says NO- A Somatic Experience Boundary
Anxiety & Somatic Therapy in Long Island, New York
“Ugh, please get the out of my way” I mumble under my breath as I try to get around a seemingly huge tractor trailer who is blocking my lane.
I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I see anger on my face.
“What are you so mad about, Esther?” I say out-loud, wanting to get clarity.
I wasn’t in any particular rush that day, but clearly something was upsetting me. As a somatic informed therapist who works with anxiety and trauma, I’m pretty attuned to know that when something is bothering me. As I do with clients, I look to access the underlying annoyance, hurt or pain so that it can be relieved and let go.
I take a breath and look in the rear view mirror. I see my dark brown eyes and keep my gaze for a good 10 seconds.
“Aha…I know what it is” I say aloud, and watch my brows slowly lower and my facial expression soften.
My hand reaches for my phone, scrolling for my sister’s number. My heart pauses me before I hit the “call” button.
“Stay with your feelings, Esther” it whispers.
So I stay. I don’t call my sister but instead, tune into my body’s somatic experience. I stay with what is bubbling up and bear witness to what I’ve become aware I was upset about.
“I’ll chat with my sister about this, in a little while, and she’ll snuggle me with loving words and affirm my gut, but in this moment, there’s a power in first getting clarity on my own, and sitting with it,” I think to my self.
———
Now you may be wondering what it was that was upsetting me.
When we say “Yes” to Keep the Peace
Now, the reason I won’t be sharing the small details (I’ll give you a broader context) is because the details aren’t relevant, but what is relevant is the experience of my mind and body saying “NO!” to something that I needed to say no to, but I was pushing that voice aside. Instead, the words in my mind were;
“It’s ok, I’ll be nice”
“It’s ok, I can stretch just a bit more”
“It’s ok, this person is going through more than I am”
“It’s ok, I don’t need to ask for help”
“It’s ok, it won’t get any better if I spoke up”
“It’s ok, it’ll pass with time”
“It’s ok, It’s ok, It’s ok!”
Just to give you context, something had happened a few days earlier that had upset me. We all have small upsetting things, blended in our daily hum drum, and we often move through them with ease. The bigger ones, or the ones that leave us feeing “stuck” or “blocked” emotionally, are the ones that need attention.
The shmorgasbord of emotions we feel….are a windows to our internal world.
We have happy moments, sad moments, irritated moments and calm moments. Moments of hunger, moments of thirst, and moments of satisfaction and satiation. We have moments of being heard, being seen, feeling connected to and “gotten” and we have moments of feeling ignored, ostracized, dismissed or emotionally starved. We have days where we feel fatigued, tired, and worn down, and days we feel elevated, energized and nourished.
Now, I was trying to resolve something that was weighing on me- but it wasn’t resolving. I turned to someone for advice and she gave me advice of what she does “Just swallow it and let it go” she said with a grin on her face, hoping this would make my pain go away.
But thankfully, it didn’t.
When your body says no….please please listen
I can swallow and let go of small stuff, or stuff that don’t necessarily make an impact, but the bigger stuff, I address. I address the important “stuff” because I know it’ll come bubbling back up again and I want to be sure it was tended to so I don’t have a repetitive pattern or issue that keeps surfacing.
Repressed emotions, unspoken words and unclear boundaries are highly related to mental health symptoms we develop.
Many people with underlying anxiety, depression and moodiness have repressed anger or unspoken “no”s stuck in their bodies. Many symptoms I’ve seen in my office have to do with the body holding way too many beliefs, memories or shoved away words that were never safe to be shared.
Somatic experience therapy blended with traditional therapies can be really helpful in relieving the beliefs or tensions carried in the body.
Though I’m sharing here as a therapist, I am also speaking as a fellow human with a pumping heart and as someone who is committed to this ongoing work of learning when to lean in, when to let go, and when to speak up and/or make a change.
I invite you to join me as in this quest to learning to listen to your body, so you can life a life of more joy, flexibility and lightness.
The truck - an opportunity to address and resolve my emotions
So that irritating feeling of frustration was building and the truck in front of me that seemed large, annoying and spiteful is what made the feelings bubble.
How to listen to the NO when your body talks
I got home and parked the car and took a deep breath. I knew what was bothering me so I didn’t need to go too deep, but I did take a mindful action and though it was temporarily uncomfortable, I felt immense relief. I needed to align with my integrity and for me and the situation, I needed to take a mindful step to help me let go of what was bothering me.
Sometimes, we need to get some support from a trusted other or from therapy to help;
1) identify the emotions and reactions inside and
2) to come up with a healthy game plan to help you get to resolution (sometimes an internal one, on your own and sometimes external, including a situation or other people).
A Conversation about Rage + Core Emotions & our Trauma Training
I am brought back to a powerful conversation that was had in my Trauma Training Course a few weeks ago when we spoke about Primary Emotions and the Panksepps’ Model (affective neuroscience, 1991,1992) where he identifies seven emotional brain systems including Seeking, Rage/Anger, Fear, Lust, Care, Panic/Sadness and Play. In my training, I used some other research as well to explain and broaden the emotions and how it impacts development. (want to sign up for the course? click here!)
What came up as a spicy, fiery topic where many wise individuals shared how healthy rage is imperative to being able to access developed autonomy and self agency. We spoke about the unspoken communal pressures to hold things in, social norms, roles for men/women in accessing power (or not) and how we address the systematic expectations at play- on both implicit and explicit levels.
You need to access your anger in order to be calm.
I often share with clients that I will help them feel rage, so they can feel powerful and find calm again. It may sound counterintuitive because they seem like polar opposite emotions, though they intrinsically are not.
Owning a healthy “NO” allows for a loving “YES!”
In therapy, we acknowledge the truths in their lives so they can set realistic expectations and reengage with the world and others from a place of clarity.
When we disown our power, we become angry, moody and essentially…. feel powerless.
When we healthily access and express our upset, and frustration, and have it validated and somatically and cognitively processed, we re-own our power and re-engage with others and the world from a place of calm, spaciousness and “grounded-ness”.
The truth will hurt like hell, but then it’ll set you free.
When we define and honor our boundaries, we are more confident in setting them-and sticking to them- with others.
I shared my story above in hopes that this story can give you some permission to find and own your “NO”s or possibly to get some clarity on solidifying your own boundaries in your life.
Saying NO is not just about speaking up or setting boundaries with others. Healthy “NO”s can help us say no to our own blind spots as well. We can learn to say no to self sabotaging behaviors, letting go of unhelpful patterns, shifting out of false negative beliefs or neglectful patterns in our self care.
Ways to listen to your “NO”.
Noticing your sadness you’re feeling on your heart and hearing the unspoken feelings/words needing attention.
Sharing your anger with a therapist- in a safe yet supportive way.
Speaking up in a relationship.
Saying “Im so sorry but I cannot do this” when it won’t work.
Saying to yourself or to someone you care for “We can have different beliefs/values and still love/respect each other”.
Allowing yourself to cry.
Leaving a room.
Letting go of a relationship.
Setting a boundary- physically, emotionally, mentally, energetically.
Breaking past a blocking or negative belief.
Asking for your needs.
Listening to your needs.
Setting a better sleep, eating, and praying routine.
Mindfully choosing who and what you do with your precious time.
Letting go of a job.
Redefining your social group.
Starting a relationship.
Deciding to have children.
Shifting your parenting strategies.
Speaking and Owning your truth.
Choosing who you share your hearts with.
Choosing who you share your thoughts and ideas with.
Choosing who you invite into your home.
Choosing to move.
Choosing to start therapy.
Choosing to end therapy.
Making a shift can be something subtle, such as beginning to learn all about boundaries and spending time with others who honor who you are, and who want to get to know you. It can be choosing to know your truth while mindfully navigating the life, situations and relationships you are in. You may make a big shift, a small shift or a medium shift.
You may change your routine - or say a gentle prayer each morning or start yoga or meditating. You may begin therapy and commit to making some shifts in how your carry yourself in your body, or how you engage in life and in relationships.
Or maybe you’re ready to living with more assurance and honesty.
For more information about Somatic Experience and learning to listen to our bodies, click to the right.
Listening to our bodies allows us to live with more joy, ease and energy.
Wherever you are, I am here supporting you as you get in touch with your NO and your YES. Your body may also not be saying yes or no, it may just need some more sleep, more care, more sunshine, more motivation, or maybe a good long rest.
Let us keep learning to listen to the language of our bodies so we are living and loving from a more honest and balanced place. And when you set a limit, and listen to your somatic experience of what your body and mind are needing, I’ll be here cheering you on!
Tuning into your body’s somatic experience can shift your life, for the better!
Sending kindness your way,
Xx
Esther and the Integrative Team
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Professonials: Is This Trauma Therapist Training for You?
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