Mindful Parenting: 4 S's of Secure Attachment
How can you provide a framework for your children to develop into confident, solid individuals who will grow to build their own meaningful lives?
Let's take a look at the trajectory of a life…
A child comes into this world seeking safety, seeking love, seeking connection and responsiveness. What matters beneath it all is that the child knows he is seen, heard, responded to and reassured with safety. This way he can begin to trust that he is safe in the world around him.
Based on the attachment theory (the work of John Bowbly and Mary Ainsworth) there are four S's of secure attachment:
Four S’s of Secure Attachment
FEELING SEEN by your primary caregivers/parents and loved ones.
BEING SOOTHED by primary caregivers/parents and loved ones.
SENSE OF SAFETY Knowing that you are safe with your primary caregivers/parents, and when you feel fearful, the rupture is repaired within a short period of time.
SECURITY that you can rely and depend on you caregiver/parents.
A secure attachment is necessary in order to function well in every relationship you will have in your life, so it makes sense that a child would benefit greatly when they can build security with each parent or caregiver, individually (whenever possible.)
In order for parents to provide the "Four S's" they need to be fully present. Hence… MINDFULNESS.
Some important points to consider when attempting to be a more mindful parent;
Model Resilience
One of the most important qualities parents can offer their child is helping them develop and nurture their resilience skills.
Everyone wants to protect their children from any harm or struggle, but we know that that's impossible. But children don’t learn resilience when parents force them to sing or swim. Emotionally neglected children develop anxiety and other challenges that continue to impact them throughout their life.
So how do children build the sort of resilience that will help them face adversity in life with courage and flexibility?
What we now know, based on attachment research, is that:
The most effective way to help a child develop resilience is their parent's presence.
Not just physical presence. A truly mindful sort of presence.
Ya, I know… this may not seem like rocket science, but you would be surprised at how underrated mindfulness is when it comes to effective parenting. Research shows that having present parents around, who are engaged and attuned, optimizes their children's well-being and overall health.
Here's the real secret about mindful presence…
It isn't just something that you do. It's a way that you are. The way that you show up up for yourself, for others, and in the world is essentially how you will parent your children.
We all have experiences from our past, good ones, not-so-good-ones, confusing ones, empowering ones and life changing ones.
Do Your Own Work
Really good parenting requires us to engage in our own self-exploration in an attempt to make sense of our own childhood experiences. This helps us to not let our own baggage get in the way of genuinely connecting to our children.
Take some time to reflect on your own childhood experiences, recognizing how they helped to shape you into who you are today. If your mother wasn't affectionate, did you get the message that you're "too much" "too needy" or need to have low expectations as not to overwhelmed others? That may play itself out when your child portrays similar needs. You might inadvertently be playing out those experiences with your child when what they need most is an attuned parent. It's up to you to learn how to manage these past interactions effectively so your children can get adequate and healthier responsiveness from you.
Engage in Life Long Learning
SOME PSYCHO-EDUCATION ABOUT MEMORY:
All of our past experiences are embedded in our cellular memory. There are two kinds of memories; “Implicit” and “Explicit”.
Implicit memory refers to memories that express themselves in body sensations, emotions, behavioral patterns and perceptual images.
Explicit memory, though, is stored as facts in an autobiographical kind of way. Here's an example: If as a young child you tried to speak up in class to share something and were shut down by the teacher, you may carry a sense of shame (implicit emotional memory) when seeking to speak up and may subsequently shut yourself down (behavioral implication of emotional memory). You may even blend the feeling of speaking up with danger because of that experience. You may remember that your father struggled with rage issues or that your mom was frequently overwhelmed. Oftentimes, there are blockages that prevent accessing explicit memories and you may not remember much of your childhood or adolescent years.
Common Adaptive Responses that Might Be Impacting Your Parenting
There are many different ways we have adapted to painful experiences in our childhood that may be threatening the way we parent today.
Here are some ways people tend to adapt to painful experiences;
1) Disconnection from others
If you had to rely on someone unpredictable throughout your childhood, you might have figured out how to be self reliant to an extreme. Many people find it easier to pre-emptively disconnect than to risk being hurt by anyone. It can even feel simply terrifying to stay connected to others.
2) Intellectualizing
Sometimes experiences getting "stuck in our head" and we learn to think about them from a place of logic or intellect so that we don’t have to feel them. If this is your experience, it can be difficult to tune into your emotions, which can ultimately stand in the way of your ability to engage as the connected, rational, even-keeled person you'd like to be.
3) Stay completely unaware of any emotions
Some people have learned to adapt to scary experiences by disconnecting their emotions from their body. Especially those who were brought up by emotional, needy, overwhelmed or angry caregivers. When your parents acted in this way, you might have gotten the message that emotions are dangerous and are better not expressed.
Are You Ready to Make Some Changes?
All of this information is important because children can be demanding and are incredibly talented when it comes to drawing out all of these parts of us that we never fully dealt with.
Children require and deserve endless amounts of patience and understanding.
If being fully, authentically present were easy, we'd all be riding the easy street of parenthood. But guess what? Most people are like you and me… human.
Take some time to notice what might have gotten kicked up inside of you after reading this blog and the next time you notice your patience is getting tested.
Notice the parts of YOU that are being triggered. It’s not usually about the child. Children thrive when we are present and mindful, attuned and compassionate. With some practice, we can model this for our children even if we were never parented this way.
In my clinical practice we help parents identify what is really going on beneath the struggle in their day-to-day life, and specifically in their struggle to show up as the parents they'd like to be.
I encourage you to explore your own earlier life and learn ways to release and heal past stuck points from your implicit memory, replacing unhelpful defenses with adaptive ones.
You have been gifted the opportunity to do things differently.
And I don’t just mean parenting your own child… We each are tasked with the opportunity to reparent our own inner child - to heal inner parts of yourself that you're only getting to know now - through this specific experience of parenting.
Where do I even start?
Take some time to think of one or two character traits that you have "inherited" from your family, the kind of traits that you feel are "good". Maybe it’s understanding, compassion, curiosity, wisdom, commitment, or some other rockstar trait you admire.
Now, notice the times when you are challenged in living up to that trait. Maybe it’s been bugging you for a while that you haven’t been living up to your own “standards”.
Guess what? You are already half way there…
The first step to changing anything is awareness.
Become aware of what it is, when it comes up and how you can gently support yourself in those moments. If the nagging feelings or discomfort won't go away, it may be helpful to reach out for treatment to help resolve the underlying issue.
Now Commit to Regular Practice
Working on being mindful and present will prove to be impactful in your life, the lives of your loved ones and your family members.
Presence opens the doorway to love and gentle kindness.
Being connected to those around you allows you to pick up on cues to understanding the communication beneath them, creating connection, understanding and care. This way you will be promoting and building secure attachments for your children.
The effort takes time and energy, and often requires even deeper work, yet the rewards are priceless and keep expanding on to generations to come .
Needing some support in healing yourself so you can show up as the ideal parent you’d like to be? Reach out here so we can help you get started!