When Your Heart Feels Dead And You're Married

Counseling for relationships and anxiety in New York and Long Island.

Details in this article are fictional to protect client confidentiality. The story is meant to convey themes and processes.

When your heart feels dead and you're married

Yakira came into my office for the very first time. She had messaged me less than a week ago, and said it was “kinda urgent”. As she sits down on the sofa with her chamomile tea, and a handful of Hershey kisses, she begins telling me a story of how she ended up in my office.

“Can I tell it to you in third person like I'm reading you a story?” She asks. “I just feel like you’ll get the vibe and the pieces better if I do.” 

“Ok, go ahead”, I tell her.

And she begins. 

The woman on vacation whose heart is dead

“Yakira is shivering, even-though she’s being soaked by the  the glowing California sun and sitting besides her bae, holding his hand. From the outside, the world sees Yakira and George, her husband, as the delightful couple.

If you were a passerby, you’d hear the sound of  children squealing as they splash around in the pool of their rented cottage, surrounded by their extended family. This is a holiday vacation and Yakira’s dear hubby had been so excited to spend time with her, as he’d been working so hard. He kept saying how much he was looking forward to spending time together as a family, and finally, here they are. He has a big smile on his face…

Yakira pauses for a moment. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath… and then goes on

“But if he truly looked into her  eyes,  he would know she’s not content”

______________________________________________________________________________

When you feel empty and you don't know why

Yakira turns to me and looks up.

Until now, she'd been telling me the story as if she were an outsider, but now she’s shifting the story to first person-and continuing on. 

“ I kept thinking to myself, I’m not happy and I don't know why.”

“George loves me so much”, a voice inside whispered. “He even bought me the glowing diamond bracelet that's glistening in the sun, and he takes good care of me.” “Esther”, she says, looking up.

“You know, if diamonds could warm my heart, then I’d be walking around with a glowing smile that would make my toes tingle….” But, it's not how a heart works- is it?” She asks, already knowing the answer. 

The tipping point - when her pain could no longer be squelched 

She goes on to tell me the tale of the vacation she took with George, and how it was then, that her heart's pain just could no longer hold the hurt alone.

“I was sitting beside him and just felt like I needed to cry. But I didn't want to alert him. I recall the moment so clearly.”

It's the moment I realized how disconnected I was from my heart.

My mind and body felt like two separate entities.  On the outside, I looked happy and was smiling. But inside, a voice was yelling. I needed to bridge the gap.

“I needed to be alone to bridge the gap between my head and my heart”

“We were sitting at the beachfront, and I  leaned over,  and kissed George on the cheek . He looked up at me and smiled. And all I could think was “how can he look so content when I feel so empty”

“That’s when I noticed a tear sneak out, and slowly roll down my cheek.

And then it became  clear to me….”

“He doesn't see me.”

“He doesn't get the weight on my heart. I have a lump in my throat and he doesn't even see it

How are we even married- I thought. And that’s when I got up…..

“Babe, I am going to get a latte, I told him. I'll be back soon,” I said.

I whisked away, glancing at the children, making sure they were all wearing floaties and within eyeshot of George and the lifeguard.

My feet don't carry me quick enough to fight the tears.

I ran to the bathroom. Tears were streaming down my face. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw sadness written on every cell on my body .

When the body speaks, the best thing we can do is listen

Yakira went on…

It’s like my body was speaking, rather, yelling; “You're not happy”… The room felt like it was suddenly too small to carry the intensity of what was happening inside of me. “How did I ever get here?” , my eyes screamed

Dear reader…

If you feel anything like Yakira, you are not crazy.

If you are faced with a relationship, a situation, a role or anything that is making you feel big feelings, you’re normal.

Confusion  can make you feel crazy..but you’re not actually “crazy”. When you slow down and finally listen to the tears that fall down your cheeks, to the sadness in your heart, or to the unspoken words, you will begin to hear a story.  

To the person who wakes up to a cold heart…

To the person who is living with someone they don’t love.

To the person whose heart is aching and they don’t know why.

To the person who feels empty inside and confused about where their relationship is going.

To the person who feels dead even-though they are married.

Your feelings are real.

Your reality is true.

You're not crazy.

It may be time to listen in.

____________________________________________________________________________________

When emotions begin to bubble, there is some truth begging for attention, and we’d be wise to listen in.

Over the next few months of our counseling work together, Yakira came to realize that she had been out of touch with her own body. She had been living in “busy mode” and living life by rote. Though she had a pretty comfortable life and was part of a good community of friends, she felt lonely. In the earlier years of their marriage, she had been somewhat more content, but as George’s work hours got longer, and the kids got older, Yakira grew lonelier and lonelier.

From George’s side, he felt like he was providing because he paid the bills, bought her lots of gifts and did things to make her happy. But what what he wasn’t aware of was that he wasn’t connecting with her. He was not providing for her emotional needs.

The couple-ship needed a lot more attention.

Dipping into the past, in order to tend to the present

In order for us to help Yakira, we needed to go to the beginning. So I asked Yakira about her childhood, her relationships with her parents, her social circle, about men she dated and about how she chose to marry George. 

She shared…..and the story started making more sense to me, but more importantly, they started making more sense to her!

How Yakira married George: a story of survival 

Yakira had married George 10 years ago, after a brutal break up with her “bad boy” boyfriend, Larry. She hadn’t finished grieving her break up with Larry when she met George. She would have taken her time, but since all of her friends were getting married, she felt this unspoken social pressure to find a man and settle down. So, when she met George, and he fit the criteria on paper, she decided to jump right in. And when he asked her to marry him, she just said yes.

“I didn’t get to grieve Larry, and the love we shared.” Yakira went on.

Larry was dismissive and unreliable at times, but when he loved Yakira, he loved hard. He would write poetry from his heart and send her love songs in the morning. He would brew her favourite coffee for when she woke up, and he would listen to her; he would listen to her hopes, her dreams and her worries.

“He was such a good listener. I wish George knew how to listen like Larry did,” Yakira shared, pausing from the story.

“Now, Esther, though Larry wouldn't have been an ideal long term partner, he did have a capacity to love and I really need  someone who could love me, Esther.”

And I don’t know if I can really love George, or if he can love me in the way I need, because I married him out of being responsible. Out of a need to survive.

As she sits in the room, I feel the weight of the world that she's carrying on her shoulders. 

Esther, I don't know what to do, can you help me?

I look at her and know we can’t figure out her marriage in one sitting.  But I know we can start somewhere. We begin by helping her untangle from the confusion, so her emotions can feel less intense. To make sense of the story, to see her role in all of the dynamics for the last decade, and then we can engage deeper.

“Okay, here lets try this”, I say. 

I pull out a blank piece of paper from my stash of papers and creative supplies. Let's draw this out, can we? Before we come to any answer, let's get to understand you better. If we don't know or understand all the layers of how you got here, we cannot possibly come up with a good plan. 

We need to see all the pieces at play and then mindfully take next steps to helping you. 

She nods in agreement. 

Parts mapping using an Internal Family System Model in Therapy

I begin with teaching her about IFS, an Internal Family Systems model that helps clients when they feel stuck, confused, scared or worried. It helps get to know the “parts” of self so there is more clarity and understanding, especially when navigating relationships and challenges

I begin with the parts mapping…

Ok..so let's draw the part of you that chose George to marry. I take out a blue marker and draw a circle and label it “ part who chose to marry George” And now let's draw the part of you that left the pool, and cried in the bathroom, I pull out a yellow marker and draw another circle and label it “ part crying, that left the pool, and cried in bathroom”.. Hmm..

“Well, okay here they are”, she says, and goes on to explain each part in detail.

This is really good that she’s able to engage in this, I think to myself, because we are getting to really pay attention to what’s been going on beneath the surface for some time. Yakira goes on…

Ok, the part that chose George was the intellectual part (1) that knew I wanted someone steady. And I knew I didn't want Larry. I wasn't really thinking clearly about what I wanted, but I knew I wanted “a-not-Larry.” 

Okay..now the part that cried in the bathroom..and reached out to you (2)- it's the part that's been sad for so many years. We draw another part.

Oh, and there's another part that's been shoving the sadness away (3) for all these years.

I knew I was sad, it's not like I was oblivious. But I had a masterful mind that pushed the pain away so I can keep staying happy “ at least on the outside” 

“Oh ok, so let's add that part, I say.

How about calling it “the sadness pusher part?” She laughs.

Yes, it’s like been shoving it away, pushing it deeper in.

We later realize that the sadness pusher is the part that helped manage the sadness so that she didn't complain to George about how unhappy she was..because it would have “ shaken the waters” and she wanted to keep things “steady” for him to think she was happy. 

The A, B, C’s to Parts Mapping in Relationship Counseling

As she speaks, I draw. 1) the marry a reliable guy-intellectual/planner part  2) the part that cried in the bathroom/reached out for help, that can no longer hold the pain 3) the part that shoves/shoved away the sadness for years (sadness pusher part).

“So, is it alright if we make space for all the parts?” I ask. She nods in agreement, and almost with excitement that we are finally tending to her inner world. I go on. The sadness pusher- that wants to keep things even keeled so that George doesn't get upset..and so that your kids can have a perceived sense of calm in the house? Correct?” Again, she nods.

All parts have good intentions in mind.

“It's actually a pretty wise part”, I say, “because there is a good purpose in that role.”

“And now, can we see the sad part? The parts that've been sad and are finally sharing its sadness?”

A few tears stream down her face. 

Yes, finally! She says.

Ok, I say, offering her a tissues. And then I go on. And lets see the part that chose to marry George.

We begin to map out the parts, and Yakira looks up

“Ok so I'm not totally nuts?”

Now that I see it mapped out I see that there's a method to my madness.

I married him because it was the only thing I knew how to do at the time.

I didn’t think that I could date more men or even demand more from George. I felt  like all my friends were getting married and I needed to find someone, so I did. 

”Of course you’re not nuts.” I reply with a loving tone in my voice.

“You’re actually really wise and you’ve got a super wise system that has been taking care of you. And now we’re slowing down to improve the ways your system has been caring for you.”

As we spent time on her “parts”, we got to know and see the hidden parts she’s been holding  And slowly begin to give  them space in our time together . As time went on in our therapy, we explore what she wants  to share with George, and how she could share her awareness with him. At first, she wasn’t yet ready to bring him in because she was feeling frightened and worried that he wouldn’t meet her needs.
But with time she invited him in to our session, and slowly into her heart. She needed him to see the sadness she had been carrying.

He may or may not be able to be her lover in her marriage.

Her concern was that if she lets him in, he may still not ever be able to be the man she needs or wants. I validated how that fear is so valid, and while we often feel compelled to avoid issues, they almost always bubble up again. The best thing we could do was helping support her to be honest with him.

She was scared to open up, but she was more scared of letting things stay the same.

In our work, we acknowledged that regardless of what this marriage could or could not offer, we were here to help Yakira. To identify her needs, and begin taking care of herself.

Yakira’s work took time, effort, energy and consistency.

She had more layers than the marriage with George, and the relationship with Larry. She had some fears of abandonment and parts that had been keeping her in the unspoken dynamics she was in. Slowly, we helped Yakira become more truthful and real with who and what she was, to herself, to her friends, to her family and in her marriage. The work was slow yet meaningful. And her process was a beautiful one.

On the next family vacation, the lump in her throat was no longer there.

George and Yakira had decided to try to work on their relationship in couples counseling. Though they both had their work laid out for them, and therapy wasn’t “a walk in the park”, the energy between them was honest.

There was no more hiding and shoving away. There was truth, and that allowed for a lot more ease. With time, George and Yakira decided to split but it was a peaceful splitting up. One that would not have been peaceful if Yakira hadnt taken the time to process the layers at play. One that would have not been amicable if they hadn’t gone to counseling together.

Their ability to engage in therapy and process their “internal parts” in counseling allowed for a healthy family transition and navigating their next phases of life, as a new family format- with the kids living with divorced parents.

Now, coming back to you dear reader.

You have your own story to live, to uncover and to journey.

If you resonate with any part of the story of Yakira and George, I invite you to take some time to give yourself the space to process and get clear. Some clients at our practice have reached out because they say they feel like their intimacy is gone, their heart feels dead or their just not sure what will happen next in their relationships. Be it in marriage, dating, partnership or even in family dynamics.

Often, there are many layers beneath the surface that deserve attention before making a relationship decision.

Whatever steps are good for you, the best thing you can do is get good clarity, guidance and input to help you make wise choices. We don’t want to mistakenly jump to ending a relationship due to an invisible trigger when the relationship has capacity to last with the right support. But we also don’t want you to stay in a “shoving it away” zone and ignoring the sadness, hurt or disappointment.

Good counseling with an Internal Family Systems IFS Therapist can help you get the clarity you seek!

At Integrative Psychotherapy, our staff is here to help you do exactly that. We are here to support you in navigating life decisions, parenting and dynamics in your family and love life.

Reach out today for your free 15 minute consultation and to begin mapping out a personalized treatment plan for you!