Mother Hunger and Attachment Issues: When Somatic Therapy Isn't Enough

(somatic therapy nyc · trauma therapist training · attachment issues · mother hunger · inner child)

“Mommy, can you lie with me for one more minute?”

Her daughter’s voice trembled — a sound that should have melted her.

Samantha’s heart wanted to say yes. But her body said no.

Her chest tightened. Her breath grew shallow.
And though she longed to melt into her child’s arms, her body stiffened.

She kissed her daughter’s forehead quickly. “Tomorrow, sweetheart,” she whispered.
Then closed the door. 💔

Standing in that hallway, Samantha broke.

Three years of somatic therapy, some EMDR Therapy and IFS Therapy too!

$100,000 spent. Hours pouring her heart out to caring therapists.
She understood everything — her mother hunger, her trauma, her patterns. But her body still couldn’t soften for her own children.

She reached out, exhausted, but hoping for relief.

“I feel like a monster,” she said through tears in our first session.
“What mother can’t cuddle her babies?”

What Her Previous Somatic Therapists in NYC Missed

Samantha didn’t just have attachment issues.
She lived with what I call phobic avoidance of inner experience — a nervous-system reflex that treats feeling itself as threat.

Her inner child — the one who never received warmth — was locked away, unreachable.
Because for her, receiving care felt more dangerous than staying emotionally frozen.

Her mother, a Holocaust survivor, had learned that feeling meant dying.

She survived by freezing — and Samantha learned to do the same.
Not consciously. Somatically.
The body carried what words never could.

What I’ve Learned Through Fifteen Years of Working With Complex Attachment

I’ve been fortunate to study from remarkable teachers — Francine Shapiro, Dick Schwartz, Pat Ogden — and still, for years, I kept meeting clients like Samantha whose bodies refused to shift.

That’s when I began weaving together everything I’d learned: IFS parts work, Janina Fisher’s understanding of structural dissociation, somatic titration, and EMDR resourcing.
Not creating a new model — simply integrating what brilliant minds had already offered.

And even now, I still consult weekly with masters in the trauma field. Because these cases humble me.
They demand more than just one therapist’s input, but rather, require skill & wise insights.

Session 8 — Feeling My Way Forward

I could sense the neglected part but didn’t yet know how to approach her.
So I tried speaking near it, not to it.

“There’s a little one in there who never got to be held. I wonder what she needs to feel before she could even consider receiving care.”

Samantha’s eyes widened. “She thinks care is a trick,” she said quietly.

“When she would go to her mom for a hug, she would be pushed away…

And then she felt bad, because mommy was always sad…” her voice trailed off.

That’s when I knew we were near the truth.

What Hundreds of Sessions Have Taught Me

Progress with complex trauma is rarely about breakthroughs.
It’s about micro-moments of safety.

Week after week, I offered tiny, titrated doses of presence:

• “I’m here. You don’t have to come closer.”

• “You can watch me caring for other parts first.”

• “When you’re ready — even if it’s never — I’ll still be here.”

When her protector said, “She’ll die if she feels,” I brought it to consultation.

My mentors helped me see: the protector wasn’t wrong. Too much warmth, too soon, would fragment her system.

So we slowed everything down.
2% shifts instead of 10.

Honoring the protection rather than fighting it.

Gradually, her body began to learn that connection doesn’t mean collapse.

Session 23 — A Small Opening

“She wants to know... is your care real?” Samantha whispered.

“Tell her,” I said softly, “she can test it as long as she needs. I’m not going anywhere.”

Samantha gasped. “She’s letting herself feel it — just a tiny bit.”

That was the beginning of thawing.
Not a miracle moment — a physiological one.

Over the following months, that neglected inner child learned to receive care in microscopic doses.
And as she did, Samantha’s entire system reorganized around a new truth: that you can’t give what you’ve never received — but once that inner part finally experiences real care, the whole self begins to open.

We were helping her develop a somatic template for her inner child. And once she had that, offering it to her own children would feel reachable!

Months Later - A Quiet Miracle At Bedtime

When the Somatic Template Rippled

“Mommy, can you lie with me?”

This time, Samantha’s body said yes.

She lowered herself onto the small bed. Her daughter curled into her arms.
And Samantha’s body stayed soft.

“Mommy, you feel different,” her daughter whispered.

“I know, sweety,” she said.
“Someone inside me is learning to enjoy cuddling too.” ✨

Why I’m Sharing This With You, Dear Readers….

After fifteen years and mentoring more than 180 therapists, I see therapists often hitting the same walls.
Not because we lack skill, but because this work is simply too complex to navigate alone.

That’s why I created Trauma Mastery Program for Therapists.

It’s not a trauma training in my “method.” It’s a space where we integrate advanced skills — to bring your toughest cases, your uncertainties, your humanness — and work them through together. Yes, you learn more tools, of course!

But the goal is beyond that - you gain depth and clinical mastery to give clients deeper relief.

We combine the wisdom of IFS, EMDR, somatic therapy, and consultation lineage — the way this field was meant to be learned: in community, not isolation.

What Trauma Mastery for Therapists Offers

• Bi-weekly consultation where we unpack your real cases — together.

• Integration of approaches, advanced skills and wisdom drawn from close to two decades.

• A space for reflection — because mastery isn’t perfection; it’s humility in motion.

• Ongoing mentorship — because expert support is how we grow best. I’m still in consult - we all grow from and with our mentors!

Does this resonate with you?

You’ve done the trainings. You attract the complex cases. And you know there’s something deeper to learn — not another certificate, but the ability to sit with what others can’t.

Join me in Trauma Mastery Program.

Six months. Twelve therapists max.
We’ll work through your Samanthas — the clients who stay frozen despite insight. We’ll share what’s helped, name what hasn’t, and grow together.

Because none of us can hold this complexity alone.
And our clients deserve therapists humble enough to know that.

Apply for Trauma Mastery Program. For therapists ready to learn together, not alone.

Warmly,
Esther Goldstein, LCSW

P.S. Seeking one on one therapy in New York or Long Island?

If you’re not a therapist but you see yourself in Samantha’s story — if you’ve done years of therapy, understand your patterns, yet still feel stuck in the body —
I occasionally open a few one-on-one counseling spaces throughout the year.

You can request a free 15-minute consult here to see if there’s current availability.
Sometimes all it takes is finding the right fit treatment 💛