Boundaries: A Sense Of Ownership - Holiday Season Blog Series Part 7
PART 7 OF HOLIDAY SERIES:
BOUNDARIES: A SENSE OF OWNERSHIP
“I can talk you to a therapist until I’m blue in my face, but I won’t be able to change the way I set limits. I know that I’m not good at setting boundaries.”
At a coffee date with an old work colleague, she shares this with me. It’s a story that she’s been repeating for some time now, about a dynamic with her boss that keeps replaying itself again and again and again. Her eyes carry a loose glance of confusion, as she looks around the room.
I can sense how heavily this is weighing on her mind, and body, as her shoulders bend slightly inward, as she gets more animated in describing the struggle.
This reality is more pressing than usual, as her growing task list piles up, and she fears she will not be able to celebrate the holiday with any sort of peace-of-mind, if at all.
“I know you can’t do therapy on me, but you’re all into this mind-body science, can you help me with a tip in dealing with this?”
SOMATIC WORK
My friends all know that I’m a big believer in healing on a mind-body level; this is especially true when someone notices that talk therapy, coaching, and affirmations are not doing the trick. Mind-body healing is referred to as “somatic work” based off of Somatic Psychology.
I look her straight in the eyes, and say, “Are you serious that you want help with this or do you just want me to sprinkle some magic fairy tale powder and hope this issue resolves itself?”
Any kind of shift, any kind of work or any kind of problem you’re seeking to resolve that has been ongoing will take more than a one time therapy session.
It’s an ongoing practice. A commitment.
“No, Esther, I’m serious. Tell me one thing I can do.”
Of course, I cannot provide a therapy session, as it is outside of ethical limits to treat family, friends or colleagues, but I am more than happy to teach a basic educational idea. Of course, when needed, I encourage therapy and provide referrals when I am not ethically able to be the therapist.
I gave her the exercise to do called “FELT SENSE”. Here is a PDF download that describes the concept and its origins. You can use it when you are feeling triggered.
A Felt Sense Exercise
For whatever reason, many of us have lost touch with our “felt sense”, our inner compass. However, you can begin reconnecting right now.
This activity will help get you into a state of awareness of your inner truths. If your body is experiencing sensations that are “red flags”, telling you that your boss has unrealistic demands, and you feel hopeless and desperate about it, it’s important to explore that sensation. Your body is quite intuitive when it is healthy.
You may have lost touch with your body if you’ve gone through a painful, shocking or traumatic event, or series of events. You may not even be aware that anything happened. It becomes hard to fully stay in the body when the body gets the message that it is in extreme danger, and the only way it can survive is to disconnect and preserve itself.
This can happen if you have had anxiety, exposed to extreme stress, fighting in your home, turmoil, abuse, violation, assault or neglect. You may have had to survive by dis-embodying your experience, either by becoming hyper-vigilant or dissociated {spaced-out , disconnected}.
This can also happen if you are faced with a situation like the one my friend described - needing to set boundaries at work, feeling triggered by authority (freezing up or get into a power struggle) rather than taking appropriate, responsible, assertive, and clear steps.
My friend was talking about her boss, but I have heard this same story time and time again about a parents, in-laws, a co-worker, a friend…
Before we understand that boundaries are not only appropriate, but necessary for any healthy relationship to thrive, we tend to allow people to treat us in ways that no person should be treated. We become angry, anxious, and resentful. Boundaries actually help to protect us and the relationships we have.
Felt Sense is just one of the many somatic exercises I teach. Once you have found the right approach that works for you to alleviate the pressure, and reconnect with yourself, so you don’t react impulsively or freeze, it’s time to identify a strategy for setting boundaries.
BOUNDARY SETTING FOR THE BOUNDARYLESS
In case you have never really learned that boundaries are OK, I will share a few points that I hope you can take to heart;
People without boundaries hate when people have boundaries. It’s OK for them not to like your boundaries. That does not mean you don’t have to set them. It protects them as much as it protects you (even though they don’t understand why).
You can tell a boss that you will not be available to answer your phone during designated hours. If you are in a position that does not really require you to work 24/7 but your boss just doesn’t have healthy boundaries, you can let him or her know that you must make time for your other responsibilities, and unless there is an emergency you will not be responding to texts or emails during your time off.
You can set boundaries on the way you can be spoken to. If your boss or teacher speaks in an abusive or overly aggressive tone, you can respectfully say something like, “I am so happy to comply with your wishes, but I don’t feel comfortable with the manner in which you are asking me. Please speak to me in a kinder way.” This is particularly difficult for people who are brought up in abusive homes or people who think that authority has the right to treat people poorly.
You can set certain boundaries within a job if the boss requires you to do tasks that are not within your job description. A bit of charity is ok, but try to keep in mind the 10-20% rule of tithing. It works with time as well.
You do not have to share every detail of your life with your partner or parent. Boundaries actually help with genuine connection. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s true.
You can set boundaries with the amount of family time you can handle this holiday (if any) and WHO you will spend time with.
You can take a break from social media if it makes you feel anxious, depressed, or any other emotion. People will live without your plastered smile for a few days. We all know that the crevices of reality and imperfections aren’t portrayed online. Choosing to look outward when you are feeling vulnerable is usually a slippery slope to “Yuck Ville”. Skip the scrolling, or at least limit the time on social media if you need to.
Make sure to schedule some time with those of your friends or family that you truly enjoy being with. Those people you can just be so YOU around.
Surround yourself with people who support you, your life, and the choices you make.
We all have people who believe in us. Stick with those people! Those are your people.
If all your boundary efforts fail, try as much as possible to take it easy. Flow compassion. Know that most of the time things don't go exactly as planned. Sometimes things go better than expected. And sometimes they bomb.
Do your best to ride those waves. Remember, these are the times we create memories. Connections. Love. Relationships. Just Being.
REMEMBER, EVERYONE IS GOING THROUGH SOMETHING
Boundaries are a bit easier when we can drop the Shame.
Any person could share stories of all of the painful circumstances they are going through. If you are super close with them, it might be appropriate for them to share it. If you are not, it would be a bit weird for them to spill-all to you.
Just because someone looks like they have it all together, doesn’t mean they do.
Be sensitive to others. Respect their privacy as much as you would like your own respected. You have no idea what they are going through. It is a very appropriate boundary for them not to share with you about their limitations, set backs, pains, losses, break ups or goals. And it’s very appropriate if you don’t want to share with them.
When you recognize yourself and others as worthy of love and respect, no matter what, it removes the shame on both sides. Everyone is going through something. Why should we feel shame for something that is completely normal?!?!
Do not equate struggles with self worth.
It’s ok to be exactly where you are, set the boundaries you need to set to be the best you, and please don’t hold shame about any of it.
Drop the Shame and see how that feels. Replace the word with acceptance. Try that on