“Can we rename Thanksgiving this year?”

Internal Family Systems Therapy in New York & Long Island

*for the audio meditation, scroll to the bottom

“Can we rename Thanksgiving this year?” 

Dameon looks up at Barbara. He’s sucking the last bits of chicken off his fried chicken wing that at one point was smothered in his favorite bbq sauce.

Dameon and Barbara are married and their friends are over for dinner. The hot topic of Thanksgiving came up.

“I’m really not feeling all that thankful right now,” 

Dameon shares nonchalantly as he digs his fingers deep into his bowl, snatching that last crispy french fry from the bottom.

“Gotta love those crispy fries! Yummm”, it's covered in all the chicken fat and bone sucking sauce... “Just like I like it!”

He says this as if he had never dropped his anti-Thanksgiving bombshell beforehand.

He licks his fingers with child-like delight after sneaking some chocolate batter out of the bowl in which Barbara was preparing batter for fresh hot molten lava cakes she was about to pour into the beautiful ramekins she bought for herself last Christmas. He then picks up another gooey chicken wing and starts sucking on the fat. 

“What can I say, I love chicken wings?!”

Dameon responds preemptively to what he thinks are judgmental looks from his friends. They aren't judging. They are curious. It’s not like Dameon to be down in the dumps, especially about any event where food is served.

“Speaking of poultry”, his friend Dan says, “what are you guys doing for Thanksgiving this year?”

“Hmm back to that topic… forget it… forget I brought it up”, Dameon said, regretting that he didn’t just stick more food in his mouth earlier instead of bringing up the “T” word.

“Seriously Dameon, it’s so not like you to mince words. There must have been a reason you brought it up… Is everything OK?” Dan asks, with genuine concern.

“I don't know. I'm really torn. I don't even know if I believe in Thanksgiving.

We all think of the day with these warm feelings and there’s always a festive spirit in the air and lots of my favorite food… but recently I’ve been thinking that there is an entire other aspect of the day that goes unnoticed in society… like it wasn’t such a celebratory day for everyone in the backstory…

The many aspects of what Thanksgiving is really all about

It was actually full of loss and pain for the natives who got displaced by the pilgrims… I’m actually, for the first time, recognizing that there is a whole aspect of grief and pain in the storyline. For the first time in my life, it’s not all about deep fried turkey, green bean casserole, pumpkin pie and football... 

When a festive time is laced with grief

It really brings up a lot for me, especially since my mom just got remarried and I'm not sure how I feel about my step dad taking my dad's place at the head of the table and carving the turkey. I know my dad died years ago, but still, I’m having a hard time accepting that he’s gone, let alone that my mom now loves someone new…

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy that my mom isn’t lonely anymore, so I kind of feel selfish even saying that, but I gotta tell you, I’m still hurting pretty deeply.”

Dameon looks up at Dan as if he had just woken up from a trance, and a look of shame washes over his face. Dameon immediately regrets being so vulnerable in front of their best couple friends. He looks around for some more chicken wings to shove in his mouth. Or anything to break the awkward silence. He notices that the plates have already been licked clean (by him) and shuffles awkwardly in his chair.

“Wow, Dameon, I’m really glad you shared that with us,” Dan says, breaking the silence. “Your dad was a really special guy. It totally makes sense that you would be feeling the hit of loss still, especially around holiday times. And ya, I really never thought of Thanksgiving that way either. It’s really a thought provoking perspective.” 

Dameon softens. It shows on his face how much he appreciated the validation. 

The many parts of self and emotions that can exist at once

“I mean there are for sure a lot of aspects of this time of year that I’m happy about.

There is a part of me that is excited that Barbara is finally pregnant after trying for what felt like forever. And I’m really looking forward to celebrating the holiday with my new son next year… but right now, there is a gaping hole in my life where my dad used to be. I know he died four years ago, but it still hits me hard. Thanksgiving was ‘our holiday’ together.

This is the one time of year we would cook instead of mom so she wasn’t upset about eating Thanksgiving dinner in the afternoon so we could go watch the football game together after. Just thinking about thanksgiving gives me a pit in my stomach and I feel like I would rather get swallowed up into the ground than think about it more. And what’s worse, my kiddo won't ever know his grandpa.”

*** *** ***

Dameon shares this story with me a week later, as he slumps in the comfy chair in my office. 

His story stirs up a lot of emotion for me. I feel for him. It’s important that I point out to Dameon that when it comes to Thanksgiving it seems he has a lot of inner “parts” at play when he thinks about the upcoming up holiday. 

I know he has a beautiful relationship with his wife Barbara, and that she is incredibly validating. He had shared all this with her many times, yet he still thinks, “something’s wrong with me.” He tells me that her loving smile and warm hug are helpful. He knows that his feelings are valid and that he’s just human, but his depression is not lifting as quickly he had hoped. He is still knee deep in the grief process. Unfortunately there is no timestamp on grief.

Damian expresses that it has been really overwhelming for him to have all of these conflicting emotions and thoughts.

“I feel like I’m on a friggin emotional rollercoaster”, Damian tells me. “But seriously, I would do anything to get off of it.”

I totally empathize with that. It can be hard to be human sometimes. But being human means that you are complex. Nobody is a one-dimensional being.

And especially if you're somewhat of a deeper person or a thinker or a feeler, it can be difficult to live like that until you understand that things are never black and white.

Everyone holds multiple realities at the same time. We all have different parts inside us that are essentially all different ages and have all different personalities and likes and interests… and sometimes they can all pipe up at the same time. That's how we can be both happy and sad and all of the other colorful emotions in between at the same time. 

Dameon speaks the language of food. So I share this in a way I know he will appreciate;

“You know when you’re feeling a mocha frappuccino blend of wonder and excitement together with a sprinkle of salt, pepper and some allspice… it seems like a strange combo but it’s totally normal...

Don't spit the drink out just yet...

I’d rather help you learn to be with and identify all the aspects and “parts” of the blend. Like when you go to Starbucks and read that there is actually pepper and orange peel and flowers in your roast blend… but it all works together beautifully when you learn to nurture the flavors and tweak the recipe.”

Dr. Richard Schwartz, Internal Family Systems and Embracing Thyself

Dick Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems (an adaptation of parts work) explains that it’s a “A powerfully transformative, evidence-based model of psychotherapy. We believe the mind is naturally multiple and that is a good thing.  Our inner parts contain valuable qualities and our core Self knows how to heal, allowing us to become integrated and whole. In IFS all parts are welcome.”

Now, turning this conversation to you, dear reader…

You might be having mixed emotions about Thanksgiving this year, and I wanted to let you know that you are totally normal. Like Dameon, you also have lots of parts inside that can all throw a wild party inside your head and forget to invite you.

In New York and ready for some one-on-one parts work?

If you are in the New York area, I, or one of my staff, would be happy to help you get to know those parts.

Looking for more?

If you’re feeling rumblings of different feelings, and would like to be able to identify where you may be carrying some stress on your mind or body, I have something that can help you!

Here’s a Body Scan Meditation for you to listen to, to help release some body tension.

Counseling for Anxiety, Grief and Relationship Issues in Long Island & New York

If you would like the "Mindfulness and Body Scan Exercise Article” where you can read more about mindfulness, Parts Work and calming your body, click here (and sign up for our email list, below)

In the next few weeks we will be sending out some amazing information as well, in the next few weeks all about working with “parts” and how you can get to know all your internal parts as well so you can find more harmony inside.

At Integrative Psychotherapy we help clients engage in body-focused healing so they can live more wholesomely.

We use scientific based methods such as EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, Internal Family Systems/ Parts work, Somatic Experience Therapy, Expressive Arts and More.

Reach out today for your free 15 minute consultation to see how we can help you feel better. Until then, sending much warmth your way,

Xx

Esther