Am I Emotionally Unavailable?

You’re snuggled between a few pillows on your bed, after hanging up the phone with your best friend. You’re physically comfy but you’re not feeling good inside. Though your best friend was very supportive, you don’t feel much better.

You get on the web to search “am I emotionally unavailable” or “am I with someone who is emotionally unavailable”.

You want to figure this out, and take some steps to finally feel better. You’re in the right place. Keep reading. I’m a trauma and relationship therapist for close to 15 years, and I’ve got some insights for you.

If you’re on this page, I imagine your heart is aching in some way.

You’re searching to know : if it’s you, if it’s them or if there is something else going on that is coming in the way of you attaining real, meaningful love.

My hope is that in the below paragraphs, you will find some comfort, some guidance and some peace. Please do keep in mind that emotional availability isn’t black or white, in that you are or aren’t but is on a spectrum. You may be more available with someone who makes you feel safe, and less, with someone who you’re not comfortable with.

“Am I Emotionally Unavailable?”

I’m a New Yorker, just like you. So I’ll just go straight to the point and dive in. If you’re like many of the men and women I work with, this isn’t a brand new feeling.

You didn’t suddenly wake up one day feeling empty inside.

It’s likely been a feeling gnawing at you for some time. Not loudly, but it’s this quiet hum like the sound of a dishwasher in the background. And the hum is a feeling that something isn’t right with the way your relationship has been going. This may be a long term relationship you’ve been in, or a shorter term relationship, but that seems awfully similar to the relationships you’ve had before. They feel good-ish, but something is missing.

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Living in New York, you may be feeling:

Like you need more emotional/personal space than desire for connection.
Like you’ve been the one chasing your partner, grasping for love and affection.
Like you have a whole world inside of you that you’ve never shared - with anyone - regardless of how long or short the relationship has been.
Deflated that you keep dating the wrong kind of people, where you feel like you’re either not good enough for them, or like you aren’t proud of them (they’re not good enough for you).

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The trick isn’t just in finding love, it’s in keeping love and cultivating meaningful love relationships.

I commend you for taking the time to reflect on this. The good news is that taking time and getting new information can help you make a change. Because we know that doing what we’ve always done, will give us what we’ve always got. So before you repeat the same argument with your partner, before you end the relationship you’re in, before you go back onto a dating app and swipe for the next guy or girl, pause.

Your love story has rich information if you learn to listen .

If you zoom out on your love life, over the last few years, what is the theme- for you?

For some of you it may be one long relationship with times of connection and disconnection, for others, strings of one and done dates, for others, relationships that last a stint of time but don’t actualize into something real, or maybe your dating life is sparse, or dead.

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Finding and keeping love in New York is not as complicated as it may seem.

Let’s simplify if for you here! Whatever your history is, it’s simply information about the ways you’ve learned to connect with others. Some of it is your personality, such as being introverted or extroverted. And, some of it is the relationship skills you learned, over the years. You may also know your attachment style - and that can impact how you choose to engage in relationships. All this to say is that becoming aware of ourselves helps us not just be more clear about who we are and what we need, but it also helps us make better choices in how we engage in relationships. When we choose wisely, and know what we need, we end up in more fulfilling relationships than if we just try to “wing it”.

What is Emotional Availability?

Emotional Availability is the bedrock for Emotional Intimacy.

Emotional availability is what helps us connect, empathize, and be present with others - in a way that builds intimacy. Emotional intimacy is what we all need in relationships, to feel nourished, and fulfilled. When we are in relationships that lack emotional intimacy, we feel achey, empty and sad. Or, even lonely.

If you’ve been in relationships that lack emotional intimacy or if you’ve been with someone who is emotionally unavailable [or are drawn to that kind of person], it may be helpful to look at your part in the dynamic, first. We often attract what is most similar to us, or familiar to us. The good news is that when we notice ways we may be avoiding intimacy, we can start doing the work to make a shift- and then bring more depth into our relationships. And/or attract others who have more capacity to develop richer relationships.

10 Questions to ask yourself | “How Emotionally Available Am I”

Be gentle and honest with yourself, as you review the following questions. This is simply a tool for growth. There are no right or wrong answers, rather moments for self reflection and insights.

10 step questionnaire to assess your emotional availability.

Am I open to receiving emotional support and care from others when I am feeling stressed or vulnerable?
Do I often avoid discussing my feelings with my partner? Do I make space for them and their feelings and experiences, even when it’s uncomfortable for me?
When things get tough, do I tend to withdraw or shut down?
Do I find it hard to express affection or be emotionally intimate?
Do I frequently make excuses to avoid deeper conversations?
Am I aware about how my attachment style, past experiences or traumas that might affect my patterns in relationships?
Do I take care of my basic needs and make time for self-care and ensure I set healthy boundaries?
Do I have a hard time naming or expressing my feelings?
Do I get afraid of commitment or the idea of being fully invested in a relationship?
Have I taken steps to take ownership of my emotional landscape, engage in self reflection, therapy or mindfulness-activities so I can be more self aware in relation to others?

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As you review this, breath. It can be a lot to reflect on.

It can bring awareness, confusion or relief. Or a mixture of all three.

Grab your favorite coffee or tea from a local New York coffee shop. Or, if you’re in Long Island, take the reflections and go for a walk near the beach.

If you’ve got a mentor or best friend, you may want to reflect on this with them. Or, if you’re in therapy, this is a great questionnaire to review with your therapist.

Help, I’m not emotionally available! Now What?

Now if you realize that there are parts of you that are not emotionally available, that is good news! Why? because now you’re not lost in the dark or confused about why you’ve been feeling the way you are. The good news to figuring this out is that there are steps you can take- that thousands have taken, before you, to become more available. And, to bring more nourishing relationships into their lives.

Okay, I’ll go to therapy in New York, but tell me the broad strokes of why I am this way!

Ok, briefly, some of the reasons may be because : you’ve learned to be a people pleaser, to avoid conflict, or are fearful of being left (abandonment wounds). It’s possible you’ve also not learned how to connect with your emotions- and with others- in a way that feels good to them- and/or you. Some of this may be childhood neglect, negative self beliefs ( I don’t deserve the kind of partner I need), trauma or just coping patterns you’ve developed.

The reasons are less important, but the how to change the pattern, is what matters most.

Good therapy can help you shift your unconscious patterning so you can be receptive to healthy love, and be able to give love from an open-hearted place, too!

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You can improve your love life, starting right now. Make a choice today to live a better tomorrow.

At our practice - we specialize in helping people just like you - who are committed to finding, building and keeping good love. We work with those who are committed to finding ways to be more present with their loves ones, their kids and in their work. And, the good news is: becoming emotionally available has positive ripple effects in all areas of life.

And wherever you may be noticing about yourself, I hope you lead with kindness. Kindness to yourself. To your process.

Book a FREE 15 min consult call with us@ 347-903-7835 : we are here for you.