When The Person You Love Is Broken
*all information has been changed to protect client confidentiality.
I just don’t understand. Can my heart have the same dysfunction as my brain?
Jessica started talking before she even got to sit down and drink her Starbucks coffee in her hand. It’s 3:03pm but she blurted this out as soon as I opened the door and greeted her warmly. I usually like helping clients settle down and engage in a mindfulness activity to settle in and focus the session, but some sessions, like today, we just dive right in.
I adore seeing Jessica and am wondering what this intensity is about. Jessica has a lot to share and I’m all ears.
I’ve dated my fair share of men with issues; commitment issues, fears, worries or just emotionally unstable, but this one, he’s different. I’m telling you; he’s got a deeper soul. He’s got a sweeter presence. Does my heart lie to me too?
How can I have misread this one?
Jessica’s body is literally bent over like she’s a folded piece of paper. She’s in deep distress.
Jessica is a talented writer, an eloquent speaker and has come a long way in her relationships. Though she had a highly critical dad, a mom who never fully understood her {most of her life}, and struggled with emotionally unavailable friendships and boyfriends, she’s come a long way from there.
Over the last few years, she’s made some solid, healthy friendships that have proven to be a real support for her. And, more recently, since her 32nd birthday, has shifted her focus in dating to finding someone with similar values who she can eventually settle down with and build a family of her own.
Today, as she shares about her recent dating, something feels somewhat confusing.
“Esther, this one was different. And then in a whisper that feels as soft as a feather fluttering to the ground….at least I thought he was”.
She gazes up for a sliver of a moment, and then her eyes fall back to the floor, as her shoulders slump deeper than before. My heart breaks just a bit with hers. Jessica has a vibrance to her soul that I’ve seen come to life over the last year we have worked together.
Her eyes light up when she finishes a piece of writing, when she connects deeply with people who fully undestand her, and when she sees her dreams slowly unfolding before her. She has done deep healing, and she’s reaped the benefits. Her life has more balance, she has better daily routines and she’s more focused and calm than she’s been in a while.
Regarding dating, she knows she wants love and she’s been getting clear about what kind of people pass her “dating criteria” and which ones are just, as I call it, “driftwood”, who are not worth expending energy on.
But today , all her wisdom and wit are on the back burner. Today, theres a heavy sadness. And almost a feeling of hopelessness.
There are silent moments between her sharing and me reflecting, and helping her process. And as we are still, it’s almost like, if the air around us could share support or give input, or
If the room could whisper wisdom, it would say…
“Just because someone’s broken, does not mean it’s your job to fix them.”
Just because you connected with someone, does not mean you need you need to have them in your life.”
But those messages are ones she will learn as she keeps listening to what her mind and body are telling her. Most often, clarity comes through in its slow yet organic process, as the human mind and psyche need time and support to unwrap the layers beneath.
“It’s almost like I’m dating two sides of a person; one who is kind and mature, and one who is a little boy who is confused and uncertain about what he wants in life.
He says he wants to be with me but then he goes back to saying he’s not sure if he wants a relationship. I’m a clear person, I know what I want, and I’ve been clear all along. But him, he keeps changing his mind. I start feeling like maybe something is wrong with me. Why isn’t he clear and sure? This up and down … It’s downright exhausting.”
She begins telling me about her experience dating Dave. As she does, we start threading together the messages he’s given her from the beginning.
At his core, he’s confused.
And a confused person is not an ideal date, as he cannot focus on prioritizing a relationship if he is emotionally distracted.
What he did share, is that his parents never truly accepted him for who he was, and he’s been trying to desperately get their approval, but he’s constantly torn. Torn between who he wants to be, what his life focus should be now, and in the background, there’s a constant need for making his parents proud. This inner turmoil is what makes him seem so confused. So uncertain. It would take some soul searching { and possibly therapy work or guidance from a mentor} to resolve some of this so he can have clarity in his own mind.
But until then, he will keep coming across as a confused. He has a facade of strength but beneath it, he’s deeply broken.
“Why do I love broken men?
She looks up for a moment and I see the tears beginning to well up in her eyes.
It’s hard because it’s not like I’m mad at Dave for being confused, I get it. It’s just painful that I connect with someone who can’t show up for himself, for his dreams or for his future.
Darn. He’s like my dad. My dad, though tough on the outside, hides behind a facade. He’s never really given his life a real shot, and by virtue, has never really shown up for me in the ways I needed.
Somehow, I have this magical thinking that maybe, just maybe, I would help Dave. Help him reach his dreams. And maybe, just maybe, he would fight for me, because I’m worth fighting for. But he’s like my dad. I can’t keep trying to make someone fight for me. I can’t do the work for him, and I couldn’t do the work for my dad. I’m just so so sad.”
She looks up and lets out a deep sigh. Tears are slowly streaming down her face.
Jessica just uncovered something that is very deep to her existence.
Though we don’t often discuss her relationship with her dad, her relationship with him has deeply impacted her. Jessica doesn’t avoid owning her truths, rather, she’s been committed to unraveling the realities {conscious and unconscious} that impact her. She just needs the right support, and time, and her mind and body are open to processing and healing.
Essentially, her connection with Dave is a gift. A way for her to notice something deep and to do some focused healing on that part of her.
She goes on, piecing some more important facts together.
Esther, he’s broken. Not literally, but figuratively.
And, I can’t love someone broken; I’ve done that for so much of my life. I tried saving people who needed saving at the cost of my life. It wasn’t just dad; I tried getting other people to really see me, to love me, and to know me, but some people are just not able to. They may be disconnected, or have their own stuff. In the past, I just waited and waited. I can’t go through that kind of misery again. I will not do that to myself again. I have healthier relationships now.
She looks up and with a piercing look in her eyes. These words are ways she is getting so clear on her emotional boundaries and there is real insight, blended with solid strength as she talks. Her shoulders have come up, and her spine seems to have lengthened.
The body usually shifts {even subtly} as we get in touch with a sense of autonomy and out of defeat and helplessness.
As a somatic therapist, I’m exquisitely attuned to how our bodies communicate, and in this moment, Jessica’s body is slowly shifting as she is processing this relationship.
I share that observation with her and she lets out a lighthearted laugh, nods in agreement and goes on.
It looks as though a lightbulb turned on in her mind…..
Hey….You know what I realize?
The way he is today, there’s no way he can love me. Because if he doesn’t know what it means to love himself then there’s no way he can give me love.”
Those moments when a client has clarity are the most beautiful and profound moments.
Sometimes moments like these come with a deep feeling of relief, a feeling of sadness or a feeling of grief. But there’s always a clarity and clearing that slowly opens the doorway to the next step in the person’s life.
I’ve sat with many women and men who were facing complicated relationship dynamics.
Many wonder if what they are asking for is too much.
If what they want is unreasonable.
If they should just stop trying to find what they really want and need.
Relationships are complex and there is seldom a simple, one sided solution to navigating the relationship world.
What is certain, though, is that when you stay crystal clear on who you are, and what you are ready for, you invite exactly what you need.
Maybe not in the very moment you want it, maybe not in a specific scenario you imagined or maybe not in a the social circle you’re in. But if you do the work, you bring in the things that are important to you. Settling for something that isn’t right doesn’t take that nagging feeling away.
Making yourself want something that is not aligned with your values or needs does not provide resolution either. Sticking true to what you know is true for you will be the best route. Now, this does not mean you will be with a partner who is “perfect”. That is not something that exists. But it does mean bringing someone in who will be a right fit; someone you connect with, someone who is willing and able (for the most part) to go through the ups and downs of life with you.
Now, no relationship is perfect, but when it comes to choosing someone to build a life with, you want to be clear on what you need so you are starting out on good footing.
Back to Jessica, after conversing with Dave over the next few weeks, it became clear he was not ready to be in a relationship. At least not with a woman as clear and committed as Jessica. And though there was initially chemistry and a deeper connection than had with most others, this was not a relationship worth pursuing right now.
Of course Jessica was sad that Dave wasn’t going to be her +1, and wasn’t titled “ordained boyfriend” but the look of relief on her face as she accessed clarity was palpable. Being with someone who carried deep insecurity and uncertainty regarding their relationship had been too much for Jessica to contain. It was clear she made the right choice when she let it go.
Now, if you’ve ever dated someone, loved someone or deeply cared for someone who is emotionally limited, or in a very different place the\an you, or in some way “broken” , read this:
What you need to know if the person you love is broken:
1} It’s not your road to travel.
You may have an urge to try to help them or to be with this person so you can be a support as they figure out whatever it is they are needing (in your opinion) to figure out. But, if you are not in a long term relationship with this person, it is not your job to help them figure out their mental health issues, their values in life or what their priorities should or shouldn’t be. When you are dating that is something that needs to be clear for the other person; at least somewhat clear so you are both ready to move forward in the relationship. It is not a time for you to do “work” on behalf of, or to help the other person. The work is for the other person to do.
2} Your incredible-ness cannot make him/her suddenly ready.
No one is “special, smart, important, wise or perfect enough” to make someone not ready, become ready. They are ready If they become ready. It has nothing to do with your worth. You are worthy of someone being there for you; you cannot change or become any more “incredible” to make another person decide they can be there for you, wholly.
3} It hurts to love someone who can’t be there for you.
It hurts bad when someone you love isn’t able to do the work or show up. It sucks . You’re allowed to cry. You’re allowed to scream. You’re allowed to tantrum. But remember that the love you feel towards the person probably wouldn’t last if the relationship isn’t able to give you what you need.
4} Relationships that don’t have a balanced equilibrium barely make it.
Relationships that begin with an imbalance in equilibrium struggle more than most {and may not make it in the long-run.} If you are holding more than he/she is from the get go, or if you have different values, or goals, it’ll be a struggle in the long run.
All relationships struggle, but there are struggles and then there are whooping struggles that leave you out of breath with no time to connect or experience joy. Now, I’m not saying its impossible in these instances, but if you are the one pulling 80% of the weight, slow down. At some point that weight will get too much. You want to be sure he/she can take some of the load and be a partner in carrying whatever it is you are facing, together.
5} Setting a Boundary is Empowering.
When there are a lot of factors to iron out in a relationship before moving forward, it’s so important to set a boundary. Some examples are: “We need to discuss if we want the same things in our future”, “I can’t continue dating you until we discuss this specific issue in counseling together”, “You need to decide if you want kids or not because it’s important to me”, “Finances is a topic you’ve been avoiding, and we need to find a way to discuss it openly”, “I can’t do the “friends” thing because I am looking for something more.”
Now, by setting the limits, either the person you are with will step up and do their work {or later down the line, come back around when they can step up to the plate}, or you are solidifying a frame for someone who is more prepared and ready to meet you where you are at.
6} Continue to Live your Best Life
When you’re processing an ending of relationship that didn’t work out, and there was a connection, but it had to end, you need to grieve. But you also need to move on. The best thing you can do is focus on living your best life. Get involved in the things that make you feel energized.
Who do you like to be around? What hobbies give you energy? What work projects have you been wanting to get to and are ready to dive into? Any personal goals you’ve been wanting to focus on? Make this time a time to refocus and build yourself. A well rounded person is most attractive, and especially impressive, when you are open to meeting new people.
7} Love comes from many avenues.
It’s important to make sure to be funneling in love from many different sources. Yes, relationships are the primary source of love and affection, however, when you are in a phase of change and finding more love in your life, it’s important to open up many doorways to allow many forms of love in, so you are nourished. Friends, neighbors, self care habits, body work, massage, dance movement, music, art, self expression, and spiritual exploration are just a few. Make sure you are checking out other avenues to nurture your mind, body and soul.
You will feel more nourished instead of depleted. And also, it is a lot more enjoyable to be around you as a friend, coworker, family member or partner when you are a nourished person who emanates love, and seem to be committed to living a satisfied life.
8} What’s the lesson and gift you’ve gotten from this person?
Every person we meet has something to teach us. We give each other lessons about life, we gift each other with experiences, insight and awareness, without even trying. I believe we meet people in our lives, no matter how long or short the relationship is for, to learn something. We are all humans with souls inside ourselves; each interaction is a way of us connecting to others, and helping us become more whole.
If you’re aware, you may realize one interaction may bring up some emotions that are needing some work.
Met a girl who is emotionally passive and notice you’re upset by it? If you do some work you may realize she’s reminding you of your best friend from childhood who ignored your feelings and you were left feeling insignificant.
Emotions and reactions teach us things about ourselves.
Dating a guy who keeps giving you mixed messages and you’re left feeling really angry? Did an adult or parent in your life give you the impression you were important but also didn’t show up for you?
These experiences can be a segue into healing past relationships that you may still be holding on to. You can use these opportunities to process them, and move through, and let them go.
At the end of the day, if you’re somewhere ready for someone special, know you’re not alone.
Many have walked the path of finding the person who was right for them. Try to see this time of your life as a learning opportunity and a time to evolve. If love and relationships are important to you, you do the work to bring them into your life.
And when your heart feels hurt because you love someone who, for whatever reason, can’t be in your life now, breath.
Breath and take one step forward.
Try one of these on, and I imagine it’ll offer some shift that will bring you closer to feeling just a bit more ok. That is definitely my wish and hope for you.
Do you live in New York and want to begin the deeper work with a therapist?
At Integrative Psychotherapy, we are offer virtual and in-person therapy for clients living in Long Island, New York City and across New York State. We are ready and available to help you!
Therapies we offer
At our practice, we offer EMDR therapy, Somatic therapy, Attachment-Informed methods, Cognitive therapy, Internal Family Systems/Parts work and Expressive methods to help you experience relief. Schedule your free 15 minute consultation here.
Take that one step to begin healing today!
xx