Forgiving Someone Who Hurt You
Forgiving Someone Who Hurt You
At this time of year, there is a lot of talk about forgiveness. So many people have anxiety just thinking about forgiving someone who caused damage, hurt and pain. Some actions are unforgivable. So are you obligated to forgive even so? No. You don’t HAVE to do anything you don’t want to do, including forgive someone who you are angry at.
You never have to do anything that is not good for your mental health.
There are some relationships, experience and interactions that have caused deep emotional, psychological, sexual or emotional harm- and those are not meant to be forgiven. Forgiveness is something that is earned when someone asks to be forgiven or when there is a healthy interaction and repair done (with accountability).
At the same time, there are some people or instances where the is no capacity or possibility for repair or healthy forgiveness. So what can you do in those instances? When it comes to injustice, violence, violation or deep harm- it is normal and actually healthy to feel angry, annoyed or downright enraged by the person, behavior and experience.
The difficulty with holding all the emotions is that is can cause YOU the pain, if the intensity stays in your mind, body and energy.
So, selfishly speaking, if you are at a place of being ready for and wanting healing which includes moving past and through the pain, there may be some health benefits, that can be good for you. But if you’re in a place for finally owning anger, or realizing the damage of a relationship, environment or something else, then please do not apply this to yourself.
If you are in a place of just owning the emotions and “feeling the feels”, then focus on that- and don’t focus on forgiveness.
Your health and your exact place in the process is most important!
If you are at a place of looking at forgiveness, thin about the concept of how some “forgivenesses “aren’t about the other person, but about you and making peace. In these instances, we are choosing to let go so that we can move on and live our best lives.
If you’re interested, there’s a really wonderful book by Dr. Edith Eger’s “The Choice”. In my humble opinion, its a really rich book to read if you’d like to truly understand how choosing to forgive for our own well-being is possible.
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Now, let’s focus on what forgiveness actually is.
What exactly do you mean by forgiveness?
Forgiveness obviously means something different to everyone. What I mean by forgiveness is.
Forgiveness is…..actively making a choice to let go of your anger, resentment or plots of revenge.
The impact of the hurtful actions that someone did to you will never really go away completely, but taking steps toward forgiveness can take the weight of the pain off of your chest so you feel a bit lighter and are no longer controlled by the painful emotions associated with the hurtful actions.
Forgiveness can lead you to feel more empathy, compassion and understanding for the person who hurt you, but that’s not always the case, and it’s also not really the point of it. You don’t have to officially “make up” with the person you forgive, like them or look for excuses for their bad behaviors.
It’s about recognizing that you no longer want to carry the heaviness of your anger and so you find ways to make peace with what happened in the past and move on.
Forgiveness is about you taking off the burdens you’ve been carrying, the pain you’ve been holding, the anguish you’ve been tending to, and putting some of it away, or giving it some space to rest so you can have the energy to focus on other parts of your life.
What happens if I don’t want to forgive?
You may not yet be ready to forgive. Or your process of letting go is a slower and lengthier process, and you may need to be exactly where you are at.
We can’t skip over a phase of grief prematurely, or else the emotions will come raging back with a vengeance. If you need to be in a specific phase of your emotions right now, that’s ok. However, if you’re stuck in a phase of pain and anger, and you can’t get out of it, it may be helpful to try to move just a tiny bit and see if it helps you shift some of the pain off of your mind and body.
I’m not saying to invalidate or ignore the pain, but maybe to try and experiment with some other ways of processing or moving with the emotions so they move through and out of you. Somatic informed practices (with a therapist, and sometimes, with supportive person) can help tremendously with this. As well, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing EMDR therapy can do wonders for helping relieve emotions, painful memories and negative beliefs that won’t budge.
You always have the choice to stew in your anger and hold on to the pain, for as long as you need. At the same time, it may be helpful to recognize that it can hurt you in so many different ways (sometimes, more than it may hurt the person you are angry at). There is a famous saying “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” It’s rarely worth the risk to your own health and wellbeing.
Holding onto anger can make us;
Carry that bitterness into other relationships
Jaded about new experiences
Live in the past rather than the present
Depressed or anxious
Physically sick (higher blood pressure, stomach issues, autoimmune disease etc.)
Unable to find meaning or purpose in the good things in life
Compromise our spiritual beliefs
Avoid connectedness with others
OK, I get it. So how do I forgive when my heart’s just not into it?
Forgiveness is a process. It can’t happen overnight. Words and making up with someone only goes so far. It’s their actions that need to prove that they feel bad and are taking different actions. Even if you tell someone you forgive them, the likelihood is, at first it’s just lip service. It’s to get them off your back or make them feel better. You will probably still hold the heaviness of the anger though until it’s felt and processed. It’s ok to take your time and space and feel what you need as you digest the interaction. It’s never wise to force yourself to let go of something that you need time to process and let go of. Emotions take time. And some pains don’t ever go away, but they just soften. Let your process guide the way.
Self-Acceptance
Ironically, acceptance of the anger and your ability to validate any emotions that come up when you think about the hurt is the best place to start. When you start to feel all the heavy feels, say the emotion out loud. Don’t judge any of the feelings. Don’t feel ashamed of them. Don’t wish them away. Just say them outloud to yourself. Try to be as nuanced as possible.
Focus on Your Values
Many of us value a peaceful life but we rarely make choices that allow us to live in that state. The value of forgiveness can improve your life and trickle down into other areas.
Ask for Help
Sometimes we can get stuck in ruminating about our anger toward others and it can take over our lives. If you find that you can’t move forward on your own and you are continuously obsessed and fixated on the hurtfulness of others, it can be helpful to see a therapist.
Shift from Victim to Empowered
Let go of the idea that you are a victim. That gives away too much control to the other person. It will be very freeing when you make the choice to take back control of your own future.
Consider Reconciliation Goals
If you truly value the relationship, forgiveness (with boundaries) can lead to healthy reconciliation. But reconciliation isn’t necessarily a prerequisite for forgiveness. For example, if the person who hurt you has died or is unwilling to communicate with you, it is still possible to let go, if only for the purpose of not wanting to continue to be hurt by someone who doesn’t deserve your mental energy. Forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation isn't.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
The last thing you want to do is slip back into the relationship patterns that got you into this mess in the first place. Moving forward in a relationship after hurt can only turn out well when you set and stick to appropriate boundaries.
Here’s a FREE download to help you with Boundaries | Boundaries 101
What if I know the person I'm forgiving will never change?
The goal of forgiveness isn’t to change other people. If your expectation is that the other person will change, you will be really disappointed. Forgiveness is more about you changing and shifting your expectations, outlook and boundaries. Forgiveness takes away the power that the other person holds on you and your life.
Forgiveness of others is your own gift to yourself. The gift of inner peace and emotional healing.
My hope is that as you’re reading this you find some comfort in letting yourself be in the place you’re at in giving yourself the gift of letting go of pain, or letting go the intensity of something that may have been weighing on your heart. Or if you’re not ready for that, at least beginning the process of naming or working with the burdens or emotions you’ve been carrying- because you deserve to feel energized and able to focus on yourself and moving ahead.
If you’re needing some one on one care and support to help you with processing through some painful emotions or to help you move through some difficult relationships that have caused you anxiety, symptoms of depression, or trauma, our team is here to help you.
For now, I’m sending gentle wishes to your heart.
Until next time,
Xx
Esther & The Integrative Team