Self Forgiveness for the Perfectly Imperfect Human

Self Forgiveness for the Perfectly Imperfect Human

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

-Carl Rogers 

How to forgive yourself when you keep “messing up”?..

How can we possibly forgive ourselves when we continue to make bad choices, can’t break annoying habits, can’t manage to stay in a healthy relationship or are living in a state of being stuck in the muck of "just getting-through-ness" for a long time? Every time we try to change, it feels like never really sticks.

Every time we try to move forward, we somehow feel like we keep getting pulled back. 

Welcome to the world of perfectly imperfect humans. 

Let me introduce you to the only kind of forgiveness that I imagine is feasible for humans…self forgiveness.

What is self forgiveness?

Self forgiveness has a similar flavor to acceptance. Some people confuse acceptance as "I'm ok regardless of my choices or actions". That's actually not the case. Acceptance is recognizing your reality, seeing your mistakes and flaws for what they are while acknowledging that there are natural consequences to our actions (no one gets away scot free).  

In order to move on and fully forgive and accept, we need to take a bottle of windex and give that glass a good, solid scrub. Something was blocking your vision from seeing your full reflection, from seeing yourself and the choice and behavior you engaged in.

Clarity is key for taking accountability and making a small change.

Looking at reality in the face, sitting with it and holding the wisdom you have to gain from the experience, will help you move onward.  

Pretty please don't beat yourself up. 

I'm the last person to say "you're totally ok" as I lean away from sugar coating. It’s important to take ownership for our flaws, our mistakes and our struggles. We all have them, and being honest is one of the most important tenets of healthy, honest living, and is foundational for any relationship (one with yourself, and with others).

At the same time, I also don't believe in going towards self loathing or self deprecating remarks that steal you from your sense of self. When we shame ourselves, we often end up as a pile of shame and don’t have any energy to make a shift and move forward. We don’t want that! We want honest accountability with a sense of energy and capacity to move ahead with a better next step.

Being human means making mistakes. Some big ones and some small ones. Our job is to take responsibility for our part by naming what we did and acknowledge the negative consequences. 

Swinging from being too easy or too strict is essentially an avoidance strategy and won't allow you to learn your lesson. 

We're not looking to "get you off the hook", and we're also not looking to create a  laundry list of excuses. We want to help you cultivate maturity and to gain something from this "boo-boo"

You may be tempted to minimize the incident by saying "it wasn't really my fault, I couldn't have made a better choice". Or, you may go to the opposite extreme by saying "I'm such a terrible person, how could I have done this". This also takes you away from being mindful and present. 

I get how hard it can be to be connected to yourself, and connected to your reality, when you're devastated by a mistake you made. Especially if it was out of alignment with your values and who you like to believe you are. 

At the same time, you need to hold accountability and move onwards. That's the way to attain forgiveness, and work towards feeling more whole. 

Dig into the story 

There's a reason you did what you did. When we make a mistake we're usually not seeing the whole picture, we're unable to be mindful and wise. This may happen because you may unconsciously be self sabotaging. You might be avoiding taking responsibility for yourself .

You may have recently experienced a loss and haven't processed it so you're acting out, or there may be an unresolved trauma that compels you to engage in behaviors that are trying to help you make sense of things around you.

Regardless of the underlying cause, part of the self forgiveness process is understanding and naming the reality and what your reaction might have been connected to. This isn't about avoiding responsibility, but rather gaining information about what is going on so you can learn, know what exactly needs inner work and use that to guide you forward. 

Fix it, if you can 

I know I've sometimes wished that I could rewind the past and re-do things. We can't do that because that isn’t how life is. Often, we are left with tending to the impact or consequences of our actions- which are usually the best we knew how to do at the time being.

Sometimes, we are lucky enough to be able to engage in repair with whomever we hurt. This could look like being able to reach out to those we've hurt, apologize, take aligned action to regain trust or rebuild whatever relationship or dynamic was impacted.

Sometimes we go through an experience that teaches us a lifelong lesson that can propel us towards clarity, and taking a honest look inside of ourselves to see how we can have more integrity (with our words, our actions, our time or where we are neglecting something that we may be needing to focus on).

Accountability isn’t about asking someone to forgive you- it’s often about you looking inward at what was going on for YOU that you stepped out of line with your own integrity.

Maybe you haven’t defined your values clearly enough, maybe you were in survival or maybe you’re needing to realign with some important beliefs..or to shake off some anger, self blame or other emotions that are weighing heavily on you.

There is always a small step that can be taken..that can allow for shift for YOU!

Let it go…after you take responsibility.

Letting go is tough. Especially letting go of something that doesn't feel "finished” or just doesn't sit right inside. It can be tempting to beat yourself up, replaying all the "wrongs" you've done. 

Here's the thing though, when you've taken responsibility and done what you need to learn from this, you've got to let it go; letting go means you are removing past mistakes from the self destructive voices that come to shame you. This is a cleansing process. The dust gets swept out and isn't invited in again. 

Recognize Your Humanness

Sometimes we try to hold ourselves to very higher standards. Or sometimes the image we have in our head is not realistic, given the supports and resources we do or don’t have. Remember, we are all perfectly imperfect humans. We are not angels. We can’t be expected to never make mistakes. We can however learn from our mistakes, introspect and get help when needed.

Give it time

Think about a loved one you have forgiven, you'd be wise not to bring their mistake up any time they do something wrong, as things need to settle. Time has its way of letting bubbles subside. When you are trying to forgive yourself, you deserve the same courtesy. Giving it time allows for your nervous system to settle before you make any more destructive choices and it opens you up to new possibilities.

Give yourself the gift of self forgiveness.

You deserve it. 

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Something to Ponder:

The few people I’ve met who I deeply adore and respect were not flawless; rather…. they knew how to own up to their mistakes, take accountability, committed to the inner work necessarily to truly make a shift, and also knew how to let go of the shame and blame.

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So, my dear reader…

If you’re striving for greatness and to be someone who can grow, evolve and develop, yes, do take steps to improving your life, but please also give yourself the gift of letting go what no longer serves you.

The new energy is for building, opening new doorways and creating a healthier life, as you move ahead.

And if your’e needing some help with letting go, or releasing some emotional burdens..or if you need some support with learning to cope with healthier coping skills than you have right now, we are here for you.

Our team of skilled clinicians are here to help you every step of the way.

And for today, thank yourself for taking the time to read this, to introspect and to take a step towards self awareness an growth.

Sending warm wishes your way,

Xx

Esther & The Integrative Team