Feelings "On Demand" : Holiday Series Part 4
Being part of the human race, we know that challenges are inevitable in life.
Sometimes the challenges are predictable, but most often they have a tendency to spring-up on us, without warning. These challenges; like the loss of a loved one, a divorce, financial burdens, big moves, illness, children’s’ learning difficulties, social issues...
they can hardly ever be planned for; and the feelings associated with the struggle don’t simply dissipate just because the joyous twinkly lights season is here.
The emotional distress is real, and can’t really be shut on-and-off like TV on-demand.
I mean, on-demand does sound enticing…
We do live in a world that allows us to believe in magic, instant gratification, fairy tale endings, the ability to fast forward through the tough stuff, instant-replays and instant-gratification, filtered highlight reels… I can go on, but I think you get the point.
In the real world, families fight, dysfunctional dynamics get passed down inter-generationally.
People break up, people die, get laid off, are affected by mental illness... kids get bullied… and it’s not a reality you can easily fast-forward, edit to your liking, or pause on-demand.
The heartfelt, well-wishes for a joyous holiday season, a fun vacation, or the temporary distraction of social events don’t actually help all that much when you are mid-struggle.
I know this sounds a bit corny and over-simplified, but…
It’s ok to not be ok.
(We will get more into this in my blog post called “Permission Slip”) But for now, let’s discuss feelings and why they are important to embrace rather than fight.
Over time, we may have figured out ways of shoving our feelings deep down inside so that they are less annoying to us or others. We might have been taught that our emotions make us look weak, vulnerable and pathetic.
Many people learn to fake and hide them to make others more comfortable or to avoid being made fun of, yelled at, or punished. If we are taught to feel shame for our emotions, they will likely feel overwhelming, heavy and burdensome. I’m happy to tell you that if you learned this as a child, you learned wrong! Even the most loving parents can be lacking in the most basic knowledge.
Your Feelings Are Incredibly Valuable
If I were to put my hand on a hot stove, I would feel tremendous pain, and my nerves would send messages to my brain saying, “Ouch, Esther, quick, move your hand so you don’t get a third degree burn!”.
Now if my nervous system is working properly, then my pain will protect me from keeping my hand there for too long. When things are working as they should, I may just need a little Aloe and a few days and my hand will be as good as new. If I ignore the pain, I will probably be left with a scar.
If I keep ignoring the pain, I will probably need to go to the hospital and have my hand grafted with new skin and possibly have irreparable damage to my nerves. I can keep going, but I think you can imagine what will happen if I keep ignoring my pain.
How your nervous system learned to take care of you
If we look at it like that, we actually should be quite grateful for nervous system pain - as it is meant to alert and protect us. Our brains work in the EXACT same way.
Emotions are designed to warn us and protect us from danger. They help us survive, grow, and thrive - when they are functioning properly.
Have you ever felt an emotion and didn’t know why?
Often people will feel emotions even though they don’t understand the origins or have not had any thoughts related to those emotions. That’s because our brain can trigger emotions unconsciously, and alert us to “danger” or discomfort, independently of our thoughts.
Our thoughts can help us reason with our emotions.
For example, if we are triggered by something that feels familiar, but we are not actually in danger, our thoughts can help us work it through and realize that although this feels similar, we are not in actual danger right now.
Powerful, right?
Our thoughts are so powerful that they can even help shove emotions deep down and convince us that we are not in danger even when we ARE. (Like if we were to keep our hand on the stove and ignore the pain signal).
When your survival strategy as a child comes back to bite you as an adult
As I mentioned before, when children are brought up thinking that their emotions are bad or annoying, they grow up being masters at ignoring emotional pain signals.
As you can imagine, this makes the situation much worse as time goes on. At vulnerable points in our lives, the repressed emotions reach their max and will generally result in mental illness or even physical pain. This may look like panic attacks, fear, emotionally insecurity, back pain, headaches or a compromised immune system.
Neuroscience and our ability to reprogram & repair our minds and bodies.
While it’s much easier to prevent damage than it is to repair it, luckily, with all the latest research, we know that repair IS possible.
Scientific discoveries have provided hope to so many people with mental health struggles and mental illness. Our brains can be “re-grafted” or “re-wired”. If there is no truly severe damage, our emotional equilibrium can be restored once again with therapy, education, and/ or medication.
Rebbe Nachman of Breslov says “If you believe breaking is possible, believe fixing is possible”
This is absolutely true for physical things as well as our minds; and the neural networks in our brains.
Take All The Time You Need
Since we now understand how important emotions are, and how they are actually quite valuable and good, even if they are uncomfortable and undesirable, where does that leave us with the forced holiday cheer and fake smiles on our faces?
Great question.
Sometimes just allowing ourselves the permission to feel is enough of a start to release the emotion and allow for emotional safety.
When you are in a situation that requires you to be a certain way “On Demand” it can be very challenging. One way is by allowing yourself to not be in a “Holiday Spirit” this year. If you’re feeling big feels, are in the middle of processing some emotional dynamics, are grieving a loss or coming to terms with some less-than-deal realities in your life, this “not needing to be uppity” can be liberating.
Some phases of life require a different you.
At some phases in life, you’ll need to do what life is asking of you rather than going to the yearly routine you’ve done the year before,and the year before that one.
If needed, rather than inviting guests, you’ll need to invite grief, and let the holiday cheer hang out in someone else’s house until the next holiday season.
Listen to what your mind and body need and go with that.
The following is a quote that I use to remind myself the steps that work for me to recalibrate as needed. In trauma and anxiety therapy we say “slower is faster’. What it means is that by letting the thinking part that is holding onto the “ticking clock” settle down, your mind and body will actually ride through the emotions with more ease. When you shove emotions away, that’s when we delay the process.
I can’t tell you this is easy, as there are many realities you’d prefer to avoid or ignore; but emotions carry energy and need to be released.
So, for right now, let go of any limits you {or someone else} may put on how you are or aren’t feeling.
..and take all the time you need to:
1 } Re-Define
2} Re-Create
3} Re-Align
4} Re-Connect
5} Re-Calibrate
Think about what each of these things mean for you, in your exact reality as it is today. Jot down some notes if that’ll be of help, and allow some time to sit with whatever bubbles to the surface.
And, stay tuned for next title named “Permission Slips” where we will be addressing the different kind of permissions each of us are needing for ourselves.
And now, I’d love to hear from you.
Do you ever feel like emotions ride up on your like a channel that’s on “autoplay”? Are they related to specific times of year, themes or are they revolved around a certain emotion?
And, what has been helpful to you in navigating and passing through those moments? I look forward to learning from and with each of you.
Until next time,
Esther