Healing The Heartache: How Healing Attachment Wounds Can Help Build Stronger Relationships
Healing The Heartache: How Healing Attachment Wounds Can Help Build Stronger Relationships
You might be struggling in your relationships and can’t figure out why. You might have this nagging feeling that you are somehow to blame, but you aren’t doing anything “wrong”... and you’re just left feeling lost and confused. You might be thinking to yourself, “Relationships are not supposed to be this hard! What is wrong with me?” If you’re struggling in a relationship or with your relationship dynamics, it’s likely nothing is “wrong with you”. You’re likely a very real human.
Welcome to the human race.
We all struggle in relationships, sometimes.
Whether you are in a new relationship or struggling with a current one, or even if your challenge is not in a romantic relationship but in your role as a parent, as and daughter or son, as an employee, a boss, or a friend… sometimes the whole relationship thing can leave us feeling frustrated, anxious or down in the dumps.
Although relationships are meant to be rewarding, there are times where there are some very real challenges. Sometimes, the demands of our day-to-day lives feel out of sync with what we truly want out of life. I can understand how uncomfortable and confusing it can be to not understand the “reason” for your pain or the reason you have been struggling in your relationships.
As an Integrative Psychotherapist who specializes in treating trauma, anxiety and depression, I like to look at struggles with a non-pathologizing approach, meaning you don’t need a diagnosis to figure out what’s bothering you. In therapy, we explore the possible roots of the pain, or the discomfort, and do our best to make some kind of shift so you leave feeling better.
When Relationship Stressors Are At The Root Of The Pain
It is not uncommon for a client to come in with no “apparent” stress, yet they are suffering in all kinds of relationship dynamics. Often, in these cases, there is some kind of attachment wound at the heart of their experience and we can build on their strengths once we have identified that as the source.
What is Attachment?
It can be helpful to start with what a “healthy” attachment is and work backwards. As we grow from conception to infancy to our toddler years, to adolescence, to teenage-hood and beyond, certain developmental markers are “supposed” to be met to insure healthy development. Whether it’s psychosexual, psychosocial or psychological markers that must be met, our parents or caregivers as well as our environment all contribute to a successful coming-of age, or rather, the development of a “secure attachment.”
Attachment Theory Explained
A secure attachment can be described as a critical connection that is formed between infant and primary caregiver. It is through this connection that the infant receives love, soothing touch, giggles, smiles, eye contact and also receives basic needs; warm food, breastfeeding, fresh clothing, diaper changes and engaging play (Karen, 1998).
Attachment and Developmental Phases
As we grow and develop during all our critical phases and stages, it is likely that we will experience some sort of gap, traumatic event or emotional neglect that will leave a mark on our development, impacting our sense of security in our attachment with others (at the stage in which the challenge occurred.)
As humans, we all have positive and negative experiences. It’s not about if you experienced emotional neglect or hurt, but rather, how those experiences impact/impacted you. Some of us move along from those kinds of experiences mostly ok, and some others feel the wounding and replay those scenarios later in life (re-enactments).
The Absence Of Love and Nurture is A Form Of Attachment Trauma Called Neglect
We tend to think about abuse as the primary risk factor for mental health concerns, but what attachment theory explains is that we can be just as impacted by what didn’t happen as we are by what did. And often it’s unintentional acts (emotional neglect) that leave us feeling confused. It’s somewhat easier to recognize physical and emotional abuse, but attachment wounds are more subtle and can start to bubble to the surface and impact our lives in significant ways when we least expect it. Many of us don’t always understand why until we do a little self-discovery.
Nurture and Love When We Are Young Impacts What We Expect And Allow In Adult Relationships
The attachment relationships in our developing years is when we develop self-worth, figure out how to self-soothe and when we learn to survive and bounce back from difficult emotions and tough experiences. These early years are when we begin making sense of who we are, how we carry ourselves and how we will ultimately interact with others (Bowbly, 1973).
What is Attachment Trauma?
Attachment trauma (also known as attachment injuries or attachment wounds) can happen if our parents were distracted, anxious or had their own traumas when they were growing up, leaving them unable to adequately meet our basic attachment needs.
We might also suffer from attachment trauma if we’ve ever been shamed, bullied or hurt in a social setting or while under the care of adults who were meant to protect us (teachers, counselors, spiritual leaders etc.)
As I mentioned before, attachment wounds can be experienced as a result of what didn’t happen as much as it can be from what did happen. If nobody was around to catch us when we fell or to wipe our tears when we were upset, this can leave a wound that we never realized was there until it starts to flare up.
A Child’s Developing Brain
When children’s needs are not met at developmentally critical ages, their brains are not fully developed enough to understand that an adult was limited, made a mistake or was incapable of being there for you. Instead of thinking through the situation like an adult would (giving the benefit of the doubt or recognizing extenuating circumstances etc.), the child makes sense of the experiences by thinking “my needs were too big”, “my feelings make them angry”, “I did something wrong”, “I’m unworthy of love, attention, protection or care”, “I am too much for them”...
A child has not yet learned how to differentiate perception from reality. They do not know how to effectively express or process their concerns. They will internalize whatever messages they have adapted from these experiences.
Adults Are Children’s Emotional Regulation System Until They Cultivate Their Own
A child’s perception is as real to them as your reality is to you. Children will do everything in their power to make sense of confusing situations - and those tactics are beautifully adaptive for their age. As they grow up,, they find creative ways to resolve life’s inconsistencies, if they don’t get proper support from a caregiver, a loved one or a therapist, their skills, while the best they know, may be maladaptive in the long-run.
Co-dependency, Addiction, Perfectionism, Self-Doubt or Chronic Avoidance ..
…are some examples of survival skills that you may have developed years ago to help you, but are now maladaptive and unhelpful as an adult.
If you experienced any of the above feelings as a child, you might find that now, as an adult, you struggle internally with your confidence, feel untrusting of yourself, of others or of the world around you. You might also have a hard time self-soothing, self-regulating, calming down your nerves or navigating new distressing situations.
It’s not always your parents…
Attachment Injuries Acquired During Adulthood
Your problems are not always about your childhood or your parents.
Attachment issues can also develop from traumatic adult relationships. If you’ve been in a relationship where you have been violated, betrayed, abused, taken advantage of or felt fearful on an ongoing basis, you may have attachment injuries (Levine & Heller, 2010).
These experiences might have left you feeling weary or doubtful of others. You might have learned to question your ability to choose trusting people to be with. You might even question your own sense of stability.
Healing from a bad friendship, a significant rejection, a messy relationship or even work situation where you were shamed or hurt can be a traumatic experience that leaves a mark. It can take time to process the experiences as you re-learn to trust yourself again. You might even have to go through all the stages of grief, even though there was no actual death, to work through your deep hurt or loss of expectations.
Finding a Healthier Inner Voice
Our interactions with others, throughout our lives, helps to build an “infrastructure of self”, an assortment of personal beliefs about ourselves and the world.
These parts of self, also called inner voices, help push us forward, help us challenge ourselves, help us engage socially, take on a new project, engage in new activities or daily routines, and ask for more of what we need (like intimacy or understanding). (Ainsworth & Bowbly, 1991)
When we have experienced attachment injuries, some of our “parts” or our “inner voice” might have a more negative and destructive tone. An unhealthy inner voice might sound like;
“I’m not good enough”
“I’m not pretty/strong/handsome enough”
“I’m not smart enough”
“I’m not OK”
“I’m unlovable”
“I’m all alone”
“I’m undeserving”
“I’m unsafe” (this feeling of unsafety can also be healthy if your are truly unsafe)
“I’m an annoyance”
“I’m too much for others”
“My feelings are unimportant”
“I need to keep it together on my own”
“I’ll never get what I truly desire”
These beliefs can be emotionally exhausting and quite unhelpful.
If these sound familiar, you might notice that you tend to gravitate toward situations and relationships that are not good for you, subconsciously reinforcing those beliefs.
You Can Heal Attachment Wounds And Learn New Attachment Patterns
Your attachment patterns and beliefs impact how you show up for yourself and others.
They can impact your ability to stay consistent in your self-care, your daily routines, your ability to accomplish work goals, family relationships and within your most intimate relationships.
There are lots of ways to tackle this type of healing that can improve all of your relationships and enrich your quality of life. Here are a few suggestions to start;
Download some of my free learning materials with activities that can help you learn to know different parts of your “self” and your inner voice a bit better.
Visit a therapist who is proficient in attachment related modalities. I have a free download that can help you find the best-fit therapist for you.
If you are in the New York area, call and book a free 15 minute consult to see which of our therapists might work best for your needs.
Sign up for our email list so you don’t miss more free downloads and follow along on my Instagram account to learn more about all kinds of wellness topics.
Find a good book about attachment theory that has practical tips on how to start. Some of my favorites: Attached, The Dance of Intimacy, Emotional Focused Couples Therapy, Mating in Captivity and Getting the Love You Want.
And if any of this resonates, I hope you take one small snippet that can impact your relationship in an impacting and significant way. If you’re looking for more personalized support, our staff of skilled therapists who specialize in relationship counseling are here for you.
If you live anywhere in New York reach out today for you free 15 minute consultation.
At Integrative Psychotherapy we help clients engage in body-focused healing so they can live more wholesomely. We use scientific based methods such as EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, Internal Family Systems/ Parts work, Somatic Therapy, Expressive Arts and More.
I hope you stay warm and snuggly in this cold weather..
And may your heart be filled with warmth in this mid-february time of year.
Xx
Until next time,
Esther and The Integrative Team
………
Sources:
Ainsworth, M. S., & Bowlby, J. (1991). An ethological approach to personality development. American Psychologist
Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and loss. Separation: Anxiety and anger(Vol. 2). New York: Basic Books
Karen, R. (1998). Becoming attached: First relationships and how they shape our capacity to love. New York: Oxford University Press.
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find- and keep -love. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher.