Anxious In Love: 9 Ways to Reduce Relationship Anxiety
Anxious In Love: 9 Ways to Reduce Relationship Anxiety
Relationships are the spaces where we get filled up, nourished, seen and celebrated.
They can also be the places that ask us to unravel our vulnerabilities, look at some of our past pain and be present with ourselves and the other person we are with. Relationships come along with pain and growth as well as being a source of wonderment and joy.
When two people get together, the connection ought to feel comfortable.
This person is meant to be someone you can rely on. Of course, it is also inevitable that there will be bumps along the journey.
When you encounter challenges in your relationships, you may feel worried that you made a mistake or that you are doomed to be miserable forever. This, and other factors, can cause relationship anxiety.
It can be an incredibly intense form of anxiety because, in love, we tend to hope that the person we love is “supposed to '' know us, our needs, our wants, our dreams and desires… And any mis-attunement of that can dredge up feelings of mistrust or deceit.
What can we do to reduce our relationship anxiety?
Here are 9 pointers that can help;
Remember That No Emotion Lasts Forever
Many, especially those who are sensitive to relationship dynamics due to past unhealthy relationships, can get super anxious in our relationships. When feeling any form of deep heartache, or pain in or about your relationship, you may worry that this feeling might last forever and ever.In reality, emotions can be fleeting. They visit us and they leave (unless they get stuck - and then we have to actively do something to unstick them.) We hold on to the hurt because of the stories we tell ourselves about what happened, or because we are afraid of being hurt again.
The heart is a muscle that constricts and expands
The truth is, the heart is stronger than we tend to think. Hurt and disappointment are certainly painful, and uncomfortable. However, when facing pain, we we can slow down our racing thoughts and see if it helps to look at the story from different vantage point, - this often helps the intensity soften. Especially if you have been through heartache, neglect, family of origin trauma or abuse, it’s important to learn the skill of slowing down when you become aware of being triggered. Triggers aren’t meant to be ignored, however, it’s best to tend to the situation when the waters have settled and you can engage in whatever is needing attention, from a more mindful place.Set Stronger Limits
If you’ve been experiencing anxiety or hurts in lots of relationships lately, feel like you are constantly being taken advantage of or disregarded, you may need to set new limits and boundaries (AND/OR choose different relationships.) Healthy boundaries are the key to any strong relationship.Know Your Attachment Style
Knowledge is power, and therefore I encourage you to get to know which attachment style you may have (not sure? read this!). In session with clients, we often start with an attachment style questionnaire to get a sense of what your younger years were like, and how they are impacting the way you show up today, in relationships.
By exploring your relational history, you can build a stronger relational future.Learn to Notice Internal Signals
This might also be related to attachment styles, but from a different angle. Many of us learn to ignore our intuitive knowledge and body signals , while many of those signals, when listened to, can give us a lot of much-needed insight. Like a queasy or uneasy feeling in your stomach may be alerting you that someone is breaching your boundaries or a flutter in your heart is signaling danger.Learn to notice your body’s reactions within your relationships.
It can help you set limits and boundaries before things get heated. Tuning in to your body can let you know that you need to slow down before engaging in a dialogue.
Get to know the ways your gut communicates with you. When you’re with someone specific, do you feel at ease, comfortable to be fully who you are or do you tense up and hold your breath? Do you get belly aches, a stuffy nose, difficulty breathing or a bad headache while or after spending time with specific people? Listen to your cues!
Mindfulness can really help with this. Click here to try out my mindfulness meditation and free accompanying download.Consciously Stretch Your Limits
Once you are a superstar at listening to your intuition you can thoughtfully challenge yourself and extend your limits. It’s best to do this once you have a good sense of yourself and can gauge when you have pushed yourself just right, or if it’s time to slow down or stop.It can be so rewarding to get to a place where you can effectively push yourself to being more honest & vulnerable, speaking up for what you need, and connecting with people who you hadn’t felt comfortable connecting with in the past.
Want to challenge a pattern you’ve been using most of your life? Go out and engage with someone you naturally wouldn’t engage with. Try to be a bit more honest with yourself. Choose people who have good boundaries and practice what they do. Wherever you are at, push a bit beyond your comfort zone.6. Nurture Yourself
You can’t pour from an empty cup!
If self-care is difficult for you, spend some time getting to know who you are and what you need in any given moment. With people who have relationship anxiety, it’s easy to get pulled into codependent patterns, becoming hyper-focused on what the other person needs, what they think, or want. You might worry they’ll leave you if you don’t provide what they want or need, or you might just feel confused. (If this sounds like you, here’s a blog on ways to untangle from enmeshment.)
Take some time to focus on you.You’re allowed, and actually need to, have an idea of who you are and what’s important to you in order to nurture a truly healthy and loving relationship. The clearer you are on what you need for yourself, the richer your relationships can be with healthy partners, friends and family members.
7. Develop a Strong Emotional Vocabulary
There are common emotions that most people know; angry, sad, upset, happy, excited. But there are other emotions too; Disappointed, confused, frustrated, hurt, insulted, lost, intrigued, conflicted, ambitious...
One of the first steps to being able to express yourself effectively and to have enriching relationships is to develop a robust emotional vocabulary. Studies have shown that when a child is given a label for the emotion they are expressing, their body calms down and they feel understood. This is a big part of co-regulation. If you did not receive this emotion coaching as a child, no need to worry! As an adult you can re-parent your inner child with all the new tools you have been gaining.
Developing a Robust Emotional Vocabulary Helps You Feel More Understood and Allows For More Fulfilling Relationships
You can start by finding an emotion chart online to refer to when you start to experience big feelings. Identify the emotion and practice just observing it, seeing if the label sticks, without trying to change it. Often in our efforts to change our emotions, we actually do the opposite and the heaviness sticks with us even more. When we can find the words for the emotions that resonate with our inner experience, we can notice how they counter-intuitively ease up and soften as they are validated and embraced.8. Cultivate Courage
Taking accountability for your relationship patterns and your part in the way you show up is a big step towards a more meaningful life. Courage is a trait that you’ll want to strengthen in order to achieve that. Think of people who personify courage to you, and channel their strength. Engage in behaviors or activities that highlight your own inner courage; contribute to a cause, engage in a physical sport that makes you feel capable, or listen to music that reminds you of the strength in humanity. Pave a brave path for yourself. Courage is needed in every successful relationship.9. Notice Your Stuck Points
Everyone has stuck points that tend to trip them up in relationships. Once you notice your own, you can create a plan that will help to shift the course of these ingrained patterns.
One step is all it takes to start shifting the way you show up in the world.Therapy with an attachment informed therapist can help you identify the areas that you’re getting tangled in if you are having trouble pinpointing the root on your own.
If you notice you’re actually lonely beneath the facade of confidence, that can be something to address in therapy.
Everyone needs personal connection, and sometimes we stand in our own way of experiencing it. Once you notice what tends to trip you up, you can learn new ways to cultivate relationships in a healthier way.
Interpersonal connection is a basic human need.
Looking for more than self-help tips? Do you desire more meaning in your life? Looking to find a better way of connecting with others?
If something about this post gave you a little nudge, it may be time to seek a therapist who specializes in attachment, anxiety, relationship and trauma related issues.
Live in New York, Nassau County or anywhere across Long Island are serious about improving your quality of life? Reach out here.