Stonewalling - And No, You’re Not Going “Crazy”.

“Am I going crazy?” he asked.

I looked at Jared*. He raised his voice slightly as he asked the question for the second time in our brief conversation.

No, he was not going crazy.

I knew it.
And I was trying to find the words to help him name what was actually happening — something called stonewalling.

When someone stonewalls you, it’s common to feel like you’re losing your mind. You’re being shut out in a confusing, nonverbal way — present but unseen, spoken to but not truly heard.

When Silence Becomes the Loudest Sound in the Room

“Stone-what?” he said, looking exasperated.

I explained:
We communicate on many levels — verbally, energetically, emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Most of our communication happens beneath words.
You know that feeling when someone’s upset but insists they’re fine? You can feel the tension, even when it’s not spoken aloud.

That’s the subtle field where stonewalling happens.

The term stonewalling was first described by relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, who studied thousands of couples to understand what made relationships thrive or unravel.
He identified stonewalling as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” — behaviors most predictive of relationship breakdown (the others being criticism, defensiveness, and contempt).

In his work at The Gottman Institute, Gottman observed that when one partner shuts down emotionally during conflict, their heart rate can spike above 100 beats per minute, and their nervous system floods with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.

In that moment, communication becomes nearly impossible — not out of malice, but because the body has entered fight, flight, or freeze.

“When we’re stonewalling, we’re physiologically flooded. We’re trying to calm down, but our partner experiences us as cold, distant, or disapproving.”
— Dr. John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

I remember hearing Gottman say this years ago in a training, and I thought: This is what clients feel when love turns silent.

Your Body Feels It First: The Somatic Side of Stonewalling

In somatic therapy, we understand that when the body perceives threat — even emotional threat — it instinctively seeks protection.
One person’s stonewalling may be another’s freeze response — a nervous system’s way of saying, “I can’t handle this right now.”

But to the partner on the receiving end, it can feel like rejection or abandonment.
That’s why stonewalling can be so disorienting. The body senses rupture and goes searching for repair.

Research in the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy (2014) found that couples who experience chronic stonewalling show higher physiological stress, lower relationship satisfaction, and greater emotional distance over time.

Seen through a somatic lens, what’s happening isn’t “crazy-making” — it’s a biological mismatch between two nervous systems trying to feel safe.

Needing Space Isn’t the Problem — Silence Without Safety Is

Needing space in a relationship is not stonewalling.
Healthy space is communicated:

“I need a few hours (or a day) to calm down before we talk again.”

Stonewalling is different.
It’s uncommunicated space — withdrawal without context or timeline.
Silence becomes a barrier instead of a bridge.

When Words Disappear, the Nervous System Takes Over

Jared and I talked about what safety in communication looks like — clarity, repair, and timing.
His girlfriend’s need for space wasn’t the issue; the lack of communication about it was.

When we don’t understand what’s happening, the body interprets that ambiguity as rejection.
That’s why naming experiences like stonewalling is so powerful.
It helps your nervous system make sense of the unknown — and turns confusion into clarity.

Attachment theory echoes this truth.
When one partner shuts down, the other often pursues harder — not out of control, but out of attachment panic, the biological drive to restore connection.

“We are bonding mammals. When our loved one is emotionally unreachable, we protest, we panic, and then we shut down. Disconnection is coded by the brain as danger.”
— Dr. Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight

Relationships aren’t meant to be perfect; they’re meant to be responsive. And when responsiveness goes missing, our bodies notice first.

This is where somatic therapy can be deeply supportive.
By tuning into the body’s sensations and emotional cues, you begin to recognize how your system responds to disconnection — the shallow breath, the tight chest, the spinning thoughts.
Learning to notice and regulate these signals helps restore internal safety, even when someone else is unavailable or unresponsive.

As a somatic therapist in NYC, I often guide clients through this process — helping them identify emotional patterns, build communication skills, and reestablish trust with themselves and others.

If you’d like a roadmap for navigating emotional disconnection and repair, click here to get your free download.
It’s a simple resource to help you understand your nervous system and build healthier relational communication.

You’re Not Crazy — You’re Craving Connection

Feeling “crazy” after being stonewalled isn’t pathology; it’s your body’s wisdom alerting you to disconnection.
When there’s no repair, your system stays activated — searching for safety, validation, and understanding.

You’re not broken.
You’re simply wired for connection — and you’re feeling the ache of its absence.

How to Move Toward Relational Repair

If you’ve ever been in Jared’s shoes, take heart.
You can learn to:

• Recognize when you’re being stonewalled versus when space is healthy.

• Regulate your body through grounding, breath, and awareness.

• Communicate your needs clearly and compassionately.

And eventually, you can choose relationships that value emotional presence and repair — where silence becomes reflection, not punishment.

Remember: You’re Human, and You’re Wired for Connection

When you find yourself wondering, “Am I going crazy?”
Pause.
Take a breath.
And remind yourself: You are not crazy. You are craving connection.

Understanding what’s happening — and naming it — is the first step toward healing.
The next is learning to listen to your body and rebuild safety from the inside out.

If this resonates, and you’re looking for some one on one counseling in New York or Long Island, Click here to book a FREE 15 min consult call.

I look foward to supporting you in your therapy work.

Warmly,

Esther

For Therapists & Psychologists

If you’re a therapist or trauma-informed clinician who wants to deepen your skillset — learning how to integrate somatic, EMDR, and parts work with clarity and clinical depth — I invite you to apply for the Trauma Mastery & Consultation Program.

It’s a 6-month, high-touch mentorship for advanced clinicians ready to refine their intuition, expand their presence, and feel more grounded in their work.

✨ Applications are by invite only.
Click here to learn more or apply for our Trauma Mastery Program.

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References

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.

• Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.

• Gottman, J. (2014). “Physiological and behavioral correlates of stonewalling.” Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy.

• Coan, J. A., et al. (2006). “Lending a hand: Social regulation of the neural response to threat.” Psychological Science, 17(12), 1032–1039.