Why Criticism Is Often a Trauma Response — And How IFS Therapy Heals It
She had 0 friends. 47 years of sharp words. And 1 hollow chest that never stopped aching.
Linda* sat across from me with her arms crossed.
Shoulders tight. Breath shallow. Body already braced — before a word was spoken.
I noticed how her eyes scanned my face before each sentence, like she was calculating where the critique would come from.
A tell she didn't know she had.
"Everyone leaves," she said. "My sister. My coworkers. Even my therapist before you."
She said it like weather. But her eyes told a different story.
She wasn't angry. She was deeply sad.
What she couldn't see yet? She was the one, unconsciously, showing them the door.
Here's what nobody talks about when they meet someone like Linda: Everyone around her was bracing too.
Her colleagues tensed before meetings. Her sister rehearsed phone calls in her head before dialing. Friends measured their words carefully, waiting for the correction that always seemed to come.
Not because Linda was cruel. But because her sharpness was unpredictable. You never knew when it was coming.
And here's the part that stopped me in my tracks: They were doing exactly what Linda once did around her mother.
Bracing.
Scanning.
Protecting themselves from the next critique.
She had become the very thing that wounded her. And she had no idea.
This is what I call "connecting from the wound."
When we reach for love from an unhealed place, we don't get love. We get confirmation.
We get the same ending with different people. We get decades of evidence that we were right all along: I'm too much. I'm not enough. People always leave.
The pattern keeps running because the wound is still driving.
And underneath all that sharpness is a starving need for connection.
But her nervous system learned to push away the very thing she longed for.
It wasn't her colleagues' job to see beneath the surface. It wasn't her sister's responsibility to decode the wound underneath the words. They were just trying to protect themselves — and that's okay.
That's where therapy comes in.
Specifically, Internal Family Systems Therapy
As a trauma therapist, I see this often in my New York office:
People feel deeply lonely — but can't see how their own protector parts push people away.
They experience the rejection, but not the pattern that comes before it.
When they finally see it? It's painful. Sometimes devastating.
But it's also the beginning of hope.
Because you can't change what you can't see. And once you see it, you can shift it.
This is the power of Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS) — also known as parts work.
We don't label you as "too much" or "too critical." We help you meet the part of you that learned to protect — and understand why it's still running the show.
Where she learned the pattern: Linda's critical part didn't form in a vacuum.
It learned its job at her mother's kitchen table. Her mother loved her — but that love always came wrapped in correction.
"You'd be pretty if you just…"
"Why can't you be more like…"
"I'm only telling you this because I care."
Linda learned early: Connection came wrapped in a blanket of criticism.
So she braced before dinners. Scanned for approval that rarely came. Tiptoed around her mother's mood.
And now — decades later — everyone was tiptoeing around her.
Somewhere along the way, her nervous system made a decision she never consciously chose:
I'll leave before I'm left.
I'll reject before I'm rejected.
I'll find the flaw before they find mine.
At least then, she was in control. Lonely, but not at risk for ongoing hurt.
The shift that happened in the therapy room.
In our sessions, we didn't try to stop the critical part. That would've been just another form of rejection.
Instead, we got curious.
"Can you feel that part right now?" I asked.
She nodded. "It's in my jaw. Tight."
"What does it want you to know?"
She paused. Her face softened. Younger somehow.
"It's so tired," she whispered. "It just… doesn't want me to get hurt again."
My eyes stung.
This is the moment I live for in this work — when the protector finally gets to be seen.
Not as a problem. Not as something to fix. But as an exhausted guardian who's been working overtime for decades.
This is the work. This is the first step needed in order for the walls to soften around defenses.
Just making space for the protector to be seen — maybe for the first time in 47 years.
And that was my job. To help her slow down enough to feel what she'd been running from. To help her digest what had never been digested. To reflect back what she couldn't see on her own.
Because without that work, she would keep connecting from the wound. And the pattern would continue.
What Changed in Her Life As a Result of Therapy
Linda began to notice the part before it took over. The tight chest. The heat in her jaw. The impulse to correct.
Instead of reacting, she learned to pause.
To ask, "What is this part trying to protect me from right now?"
That pause didn't make the fear go away. But it gave her a choice.
Her sister called last month. They talked for an hour. No corrections. No edge.
"I just… listened," Linda told me.
"And I didn't feel like I had to fix anything."
She smirked.
“It was plain connection”, she said. “But also more enjoyable”.
I could see a glisten in her eyes in place of the pain that used to be there.
She's learning that closeness doesn't have to mean danger. That connection doesn't require critique.
That people aren't staying despite her — they're staying because she's finally letting them in.
Now turning to you, dear reader. Does something in this resonate? If yes, take it with you as you do your own inner work.
And, if you recognize the pattern of pushing people away, or being critical, and you are seeking some one on one support, we are here for you!
IFS Therapy in New York and Long Island
Our practice offers trauma-informed therapy rooted in IFS, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, and EMDR. We have offices in New York City and Long Island, and we'd be honored to support your healing.
And , if you're a therapist or psychologist
If you're working with clients like Linda — high-functioning, insight-rich, yet somehow stuck beneath the surface — and you want to deepen your capacity to meet protector parts without pressure or rupture, Trauma Mastery was built for exactly this work.
It's where experienced therapists learn to track what's happening in the nervous system, not just the narrative. To work with parts somatically. To hold complexity without burning out.
FAQ — IFS Therapy & Protectors
What is IFS therapy in simple terms?
IFS (Internal Family Systems) is a gentle, evidence-based therapy that helps you explore the different "parts" of yourself — like the inner critic, the people-pleaser, or the avoider — with curiosity and compassion. You're not broken. You're beautifully complex.
What is a protector part in IFS?
Protector parts are inner roles we develop to keep us safe — especially in childhood. They might show up as control, perfectionism, criticism, or emotional shutdown. They aren't bad. They're trying to help… just in ways that don't always serve us anymore.
Can IFS therapy help with relationship issues?
Yes. Many relationship challenges stem from unconscious protector parts. IFS helps you notice, understand, and shift these patterns — so you can show up in connection, not defense.
Is IFS like inner child work?
Very much so. In IFS, we get to know your inner protector parts and the younger exiled parts they're protecting — like the wounded inner child. It's deep, powerful healing.