Polyvagal Theory: Why Trauma Survivors Can't Relax (When Life Is Finally Good)
Why you can feel unsafe even when your life is good — and how polyvagal therapy helps your nervous system finally learn to rest.
The email landed in my inbox on a Tuesday afternoon.
I'd just come back from lunch with a colleague. Coffee still warm in my hand. I almost skipped past it.
But the subject line made me pause.
"You might find this funny..."
I opened it.
"You might find this funny. My life is everything I always wanted it to be.
I finally have the house. The car. The kids. The marriage.
I grew up in chaos. Single mom. No money. No stability. I fought for everything I have.
So why do I feel this constant dread?
Like something bad is about to happen — even when nothing is wrong?
I don't understand. I should be happy. I should feel safe.
But I just feel... numb. Heavy. Like I'm watching my life through glass."
I read it twice.
Then I wrote back: "That's not funny at all. That makes complete sense."
Here's what Maria* didn't yet know yet:
Her nervous system had spent 30 years in survival mode. Fighting. Pushing. Building. Proving.
Every part of her was wired for what's next? what's the threat? don't stop moving.
That drive — that fight/flight energy — is what got her out. It built the life she has now.
But now that the danger was gone? Her body didn't know what to do.
The engine that had been running at full speed for three decades suddenly had nowhere to go.
So it didn't shift into peace. It shifted into emptiness.
A low, dull hum of something's wrong — even when nothing was.
Her nervous system had never learned how to live in a stable life. It only knew how to survive an unstable one.
This is more common than you think.
So many high-achievers, survivors, builders — they fight their way to safety. And then they arrive... and feel nothing.
Or worse — they feel dread. Numbness. A quiet depression that doesn't make sense on paper.
It's not ingratitude.
It's not self-sabotage.
It's not "just anxiety."
It's nervous system dysregulation — a body that was never taught how to be, only how to survive.
Maria didn't need more gratitude journals.
She didn't need to "focus on the positive."
She needed to help her body learn something it had never experienced: That she could stop running — and still be okay.
What Is Polyvagal Theory?
This is where Polyvagal Theory changed everything for Maria — and for so many of my clients at our somatic therapy practice in New York. Developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory explains how the vagus nerve — a long, wandering nerve connecting your brain to your heart, lungs, and gut — shapes your felt sense of safety.
Here's the key insight:
"The nervous system is not merely reactive. It's always scanning the environment for cues of safety and danger." — Porges, 2011
This scanning happens beneath conscious awareness. Porges calls it neuroception.
Your mind might know you're safe.
But your body might not believe it yet.
Maria's mind knew she'd made it.
Her body was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
This is why so many people ask themselves: Why do I feel unsafe when nothing is wrong?
The answer isn't in your thoughts. It's in your nervous system.
The Three States: What They Actually Look Like
Polyvagal Theory describes three primary nervous system states.
Understanding them isn't just intellectual — it's the first step toward recognizing what's been running your life beneath the surface.
1. Ventral Vagal — Safety and Connection
This is the state we're designed to live from.
When your nervous system feels safe, you have access to calm, grounded energy. You feel open to connection. Curious instead of reactive. Able to rest, digest, and restore. You can experience joy, play, creativity — and actually feel the good moments instead of bracing through them.
In real life, this looks like sitting with someone without scanning for danger. Receiving a compliment without deflecting. Disagreeing with your partner without your heart racing. Being alone without feeling abandoned. Having a good day and actually feeling it in your body.
Maria barely knew this state existed.
She thought relaxation was laziness. That slowing down meant falling behind. That if she stopped pushing, everything would fall apart.
Her body had never learned that safety could be real — and that she was allowed to enjoy what she'd built.
2. Sympathetic — Fight or Flight
This is your mobilization state. It's not bad — it's designed to protect you.
But when it gets stuck "on," life becomes exhausting.
Living in chronic sympathetic activation feels like constant anxiety or restlessness. Difficulty sleeping or truly relaxing. Irritability — snapping at the people you love. Hypervigilance, always scanning for what could go wrong. Tight jaw, shallow breath, tense shoulders. The feeling that you can't stop doing — even when you're depleted.
In daily life, this might look like checking your phone 40 times a day. Feeling unable to watch a movie without multitasking. Guilt when you rest. A to-do list that runs your entire life. Building an empire but being unable to enjoy a single room of it.
This was Maria for 30 years.
The chaos of her childhood taught her: Stay alert. Keep moving. Don't trust the calm — it never lasts.
That energy built her career. Her home. Her family.
But it never turned off.
Even at her daughter's birthday party — surrounded by everything she'd worked for — her mind was already on tomorrow's problem.
She was there. But she wasn't in it.
3. Dorsal Vagal — Shutdown and Collapse
This is your oldest survival state. When fight or flight doesn't work — or runs out of gas — the system shuts down.
Dorsal vagal feels like numbness, disconnection, checking out. A foggy, heavy, frozen quality. Depression that feels physical, not just emotional. Loss of motivation or hope. Difficulty feeling anything — even good things. The urge to disappear.
In real life, this looks like canceling plans and not knowing why. Staring at the wall for 20 minutes without realizing it. Saying "I'm fine" when people ask because you genuinely can't access what you feel. Being there, but not there.
This is where Maria found herself when she wrote to me.
The fight/flight engine that had driven her whole life finally ran out of fuel.
But instead of peace — she got emptiness.
Her nervous system didn't know how to do "okay."
It only knew how to do "survival."
So when survival was no longer needed... it collapsed into a low, gray hum.
Not depression exactly. But not life either.
She described it perfectly in that first email:
"I'm watching my life through glass."
How Trauma Rewires Safety
If you grew up in chaos, unpredictability, emotional neglect, or danger — your body had to adapt.
Maybe it learned that staying alert kept you safe. That shutting down helped you survive. That being invisible kept the peace. That trusting people led to pain. That rest was a luxury you couldn't afford.
These responses were wise then.
But if your nervous system never got the chance to complete the stress response — to discharge the energy, to be held, to learn that the danger passed — it keeps defaulting to survival mode.
Even when you've built the life you always wanted.
Maria didn't have a gratitude problem. She had a nervous system that was still bracing for a storm that ended 20 years ago.
So how do we help a nervous system that only knows survival learn to live?
What Actually Helps
Here's what we do in polyvagal therapy and somatic therapy in New York — and what shifted for Maria over time:
1. Track Nervous System States
We begin by building awareness. Not just "how do you feel?" but where are you right now?
Are you activated and buzzing? Foggy and far away? Somewhere in between?
With Maria, we started here. Just noticing.
"I'm in my head," she'd say. Or: "My chest is doing that thing again."
Over time, she got faster at catching herself. That awareness alone started to create choice.
2. Create Somatic Anchors of Safety
In somatic therapy, we use breath, grounding, posture, imagery, and the relationship itself to show the body it's safe.
Not tell. Show.
One session, I asked Maria to notice where she felt the dread.
Her hand moved to her chest. "It's like a weight," she said. "Like I'm bracing for something."
"What if nothing's coming?" I asked.
She laughed — a short, nervous laugh. "I don't think my body believes that."
"I know," I said. "That's what we're teaching it."
We stayed there. Breath by breath. I didn't try to fix it or rush her through it.
And slowly — something shifted. Her shoulders dropped. Her breath deepened.
"That's strange," she whispered. "It's... lighter."
She looked almost confused.
Her body had never been given permission to put the weight down.
3. Use Somatic Exercises to Complete Incomplete Responses
Trauma often lives in what couldn't happen.
The "no" that got stuck in your throat.
The rest your body never got to take.
The collapse you couldn't afford when you were busy surviving.
In polyvagal-informed therapy, we use somatic exercises to help the body finish what it started.
For Maria, it wasn't about expressing rage or grief — at least not at first.
It was about letting her body do something radical: Nothing.
One session, I invited her to just sit. No agenda. No processing. No fixing.
She lasted about 90 seconds before her leg started bouncing.
"I feel like I should be doing something," she said.
"I know," I said. "That's the pattern. What if we just stay here anyway?"
She stayed. It was uncomfortable. Her jaw tightened. Her eyes got wet.
"This is hard," she whispered.
"I know. Your body has never been allowed to stop."
That session broke something open.
Not dramatically. But something in her started to trust that she could pause — and her world wouldn't fall apart.
4. Rewire the Pathways with Repetition and Repair
This isn't a one-time fix.
The nervous system learns through repeated experiences of safety. Through rupture and repair. Through showing up, again and again, and finding that the relationship holds.
Maria and I worked together for over a year.
Some sessions were hard. Some were quiet. Some felt like nothing happened at all.
But slowly, things started to shift — not in dramatic breakthroughs, but in small, real moments.
What Changed for Maria | Somatic Therapy In New York
In her body: She started noticing when her chest tightened — and could soften it on her own. She stopped waking up at 4am with her heart racing. She could sit on her porch with coffee and actually feel the warmth of the cup in her hands. The somatic exercises we practiced became tools she used daily — not just in crisis, but as a way of living.
In her thoughts: The constant "what's next?" started to quiet. She stopped rehearsing worst-case scenarios before every conversation. She could have a good day without waiting for it to be taken away.
In her relationships: She stopped snapping at her kids when she was overwhelmed — she could pause first. She told her husband when she needed space instead of disappearing. She let her sister help her for the first time in 20 years.
In her boundaries: She said no to a promotion that would have cost her sanity. She stopped being the one who fixed everything for everyone. She let herself be "unproductive" on a Saturday without guilt.
None of this happened overnight. And she's still working on it.
Some weeks are harder than others. Old patterns still show up. The dread still whispers sometimes.
But now she knows what it is.
And she knows what to do.
"I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop anymore," she told me recently.
"I mean — sometimes I still catch myself listening for it. But now I can remind my body: The shoe already dropped. And I survived. And I'm here now."
She paused.
"I think I'm finally letting myself have my life."
So turning to you reader, take what resonates to heart.
And if you notice that you struggle to feel calm, please know that your nervous system isn't broken. It's doing exactly what it learned to do. And if you are seeking some on on one therapy to help you deepen your work, we are here for you!
Somatic Therapy in New York and Long Island
We offer trauma-informed somatic therapy in New York City and Long Island, both online and in person.
Our team specializes in polyvagal therapy, somatic exercises, IFS, and EMDR — approaches that help you enjoy the live you’re living.
Are You a Therapist Or Psychologist?
If you're a clinician ready to bring polyvagal theory and somatic exercises into your practice, we train therapists to:
→ Track nervous system states in real time — and know how to respond
→ Work with high-achievers whose survival strategies are now working against them
→ Use somatic tools that go beyond insight
→ Help clients who "have everything" but feel nothing
This is what Trauma Mastery is about.
[Apply for the next cohort here]
*Name and details changed for confidentiality.
Esther Goldstein, LCSW
Somatic Therapist in New York | Trauma Therapist, Educator & Consultant | Polyvagal, IFS, Sensorimotor, EMDR