Simple-ish Ways to Cultivate Healthy Boundaries
8 Ways to Cultivate Healthy Boundaries
When someone violates our boundaries it triggers us, and we're often left feeling confused. It’s easy to take other peoples’ behaviors, comments and words personally even when we may know, deep down inside, that it’s not really personal.
Why is that?
A wise person once said that the ego “assumes that people do things to us based on how they feel or think about us”.
This explains our tendency to personalize other people’s behavior. Our emotions have the potential to trigger a tsunami in our subconscious when our ego feels bruised. Then it gets worse when we get a secondary flash flood because we become emotional and feel shame about those emotions.
When we are swept up in flooding emotions we literally can’t see clearly. We lose sight of the origin of the boundary dam that broke because it’s clouded by a cascade of inner emotional experiences and defense mechanisms that have started to flood our nervous system.
For a more detailed intro about Boundaries, download our free ebook “Boundaries 101”.
There are ways we can practice boundary setting so that the flooding eventually becomes less intense and hopefully less frequent.
1. Mindful Reflection
With LOTS of practice, we can start to notice what kinds of things tend to trigger us. Retrospect is the best way to learn so don’t beat yourself up when you don’t stay as strong as you would normally like to. Look back at the moments in time that challenged your boundaries the most.
Is there a common underlying thread?
Think about a time someone hurt your feelings or didn’t live up to your expectations.
What was the message going through your head about their intentions?
What were the messages going through your head about your reactions to them?
What sensations were going on in your body?
Did this event remind you of a similar experience in your past?
Is your reaction based on what is going on currently or is the past influencing your perception about the present?
Notice connections between perception and reality, past and present, personalization and increased suffering.
Try not to judge or shame yourself about your reflections. Try not to get too focused on coming up with solutions either. Notice patterns, sensations and commonalities. This exercise is really best when you can simply observe.
2. Shift Your Focus
Once we become more mindful of our tendency to personalize, we can start to shift our focus inward and away from ruminating on the other person’s motivations, thoughts and emotions. We can be objective about their behavior and recognize that we can only control our own behavior.
3. Notice the Story Behind the Story
Obviously we care about what people think of us, but we need to recognize that we can not accurately interpret what is going on inside others. When we can recognize that we are unable to accurately draw a true story from their behavior we can better hold space for ourselves and retell it in a less hurtful and more loving way.
“When you reckon with emotion, you can change your narrative. You have to acknowledge your feelings and get curious about the story behind them. Then you can challenge those confabulations and get to the truth.” - Brene Brown (Link to article here)
4. Take Back your Power
The ego is burdened with lots of insecurities. When emotional boundaries are weaker it means that the ego (a child part) is more often than not, in the driver's seat of your mind. Building core “Self” strength allows us to take our power back.
Parts work, Self Energy, and getting back your innate power and wisdom
The ultimate goal is that the “Self” is always the designated driver, even when the child parts are getting rowdy in the back seat. We don’t ever want a child-part taking over the wheel of our actions (driving us around) but we do want to listen to them compassionately and validate their emotional experience.
“self-consciousness is rooted in feelings of unworthiness, and often it’s just how our society functions. We’re always on the lookout for what others may be thinking in fear of not being accepted. We’re afraid of being the butt of someone’s joke or stepping on someone’s toes. It’s as if shame is hanging over our heads, waiting for us to mess up so it can initiate its wrath. The roots of this are deep and it’s only in the past few years that have I realized its effect on me.” -Lou Redmond
Link to Insight Timer blog on “How to Stop Caring about What Others Think”
5. Lean into Discomfort
Many of us get anxious about any emotions that feel “bad” inside our body. But emotions and their physical counterparts are actually trying to communicate important information to us.
Many of us seek relief from any sort of pain, whether it is spiritual, emotional or physical. Our nervous system can only handle so much before they shut down and our past experience dictates that perceived limit.
If we generally ignore or numb the messages, they will build up like air in a balloon, ( and eventually before it explode), then that’s how our body will respond naturally - unless we work on establishing a different pattern.
The body and boundaries
Listen in to your body’s cues - and set appropriate boundaries that protect you, and your relationships. This way your relationships can blossom.
6. Remember Your Worth
When we are the people pleaser, the peacekeeper, or the “bigger person”, we are sending an unconscious message to ourselves that our needs are unimportant or that we are only worthy of love and dignity if we do as expected, maybe even go above and beyond.
Many people with this problem end up getting so burnt out that they eventually go to the opposite extreme of building up barriers to healthy relationships. They may become overwhelmed with entitlement, hatred, or resentment.
Remember your worth and lead with kindness.
It will leave you feeling respected, as you are honoring what you can and cannot do.
7. Allow boundaries to be as fluid and flexible as you can
The whole point of boundaries is to build fences with a gate that can open and close as needed, not brick walls. When we become too rigid in our boundaries, we risk social isolation and becoming too distant from our most valued relationships. When we become too loose, we get stepped on, we are rarely satisfied and resentment simmers under the surface.
At some stages of life or during more difficult periods of time, our needs might shift and we inevitably start to adapt. It’s ok to go to extremes for a short amount of time, but it’s important to find your way back, inch by inch, toward the center. We want to avoid getting stuck in the extremes because it’s harder to pull out.
8. Strengthen Your Patience
Most of us struggle with patience at some point. It’s easy to get impatient with our personal growth, impatient with the people who keep hurting us, impatient with our pace of learning, impatient with mistakes…
Even making a choice not to react right away to someone who hurts you can be hard. You just want to send that confrontational email so that you feel you have done something proactive to let them know how mean it was. Often when we have an immediate urge to do something like that ,it comes back to bite us.
Try to lean into patience.
Try this little Inner Child meditation whenever you need it;
Imagine a little child part inside with clenched fists and steam coming out of her ears. She is holding her breath, biting her tongue and tensing up, in hopes that she won’t do something she will later regret. That child part has very valid emotions but she is confused about how to react.
Imagine that she is speaking to you. Encourage her to tell you every emotion that’s coming up for her. Let her feel heard. Let her know that her emotions make so much sense and that she can cry, scream and express her rage to you for the next few minutes and you won’t judge her.
This will allow you to pause when your child-part-emotions start to flood. Most often, just acknowledging the emotions and validating the pain will be enough to comfort the inner child. Remind yourself that you don’t need to respond right now when your child-part is still fuming.
You don’t have to fix, correct, change, make excuses or respond to anybody. The very act of the pause is often enough to calm your nerves but feel free to follow up with a grounding technique or come up with a healthy mantra you can repeat to yourself.
The idea is that the Inner child part can be reparented and taught the value of waiting… once that part of you calms down, your self energy can take over and decide calmly and with clarity how to proceed.
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Now, with all the above pointers, I’d like to remind you to …
Stay steady, and try to incorporate one of the boundaries tips to make a shift.
Setting boundaries isn’t a snap of the finger shift - however, when you are committed to improving, you’ll find shifts take place.
And of course, if you are looking for some personalized helping you work on your boundaries, we are here for you.
If your’e in New York and are looking to engage in counseling for your anxiety, trauma, depression or relationship issues, reach out here. Our therapists are trained in advanced methods such as EMDR, somatic therapy (mind-body), art therapy and cognitive work.
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You’re so worth it!
Sending kind wishes and strength your way!
Xx Esther & The Integrative Team