When it Feels Like You Do Everything

You take a Deep Exhale

….he left the dishes again? You work two jobs, manage most of the house chores and keep it all running smoothly, and the one task that’s his, he forgets to do. You feel like you're not only parenting your kids, but your partner / husband too.

…your task list at work is piled high, you're underpaid and overworked, yet your boss wants you to do 3 more extra tasks that they could easily do themselves or ask another team member. On top of that, you’re the only one that keeps the team on timely deadlines and that isn’t even part of your role! 

…you have 4 siblings, all of them live in the same state as your parents, and yet you're the one booking flights to come lend a hand with their medical needs. With barely a word of thanks from any of your brothers and sisters…

Why are you the only one that is capable and willing to tend to what needs to be done?! 

Are you the only “gifted human” on the planet that sees the gaps and things screaming for attention? Or is it just pure laziness from others, that don’t want to get their hands dirty? Or is it something deeper still.

I’ve been there…when it feels like I’m 3 steps ahead of everyone else in the game of life and for once it would just be nice for me to look ahead and see someone else there, ahead of me. Planning ahead, seeing the holes and filling them for me, doing the extra task now so we don’t have to later; taking something…one thing, off my plate.

So, if this is you and you’re feeling weighed down by the pile of tasks you’re holding, and uncertain how to make a change. This post is for you, with tired hands and weary eyes, we see you.

Wondering if it’s truly possible to invite change, and feel less burdened?

Here are 4 places to start, when you’re feeling overwhelmed by doing.

1.Notice if You’re in a Blame Cycle

If you are naturally a high achiever, or producer in life, than the blame game is going to be tempting to fall into. 

Did you know that BLAME can be a form of COPING?

Oftentimes, the way we blame and shame others, isn’t so far off from the way we speak to ourselves consciously or subconsciously. 

Start to notice the language you use when speaking of others and the complaints you have towards them. “Why didn’t she do that when she had the time? Now it’s too late, and it’s sloppy” “I can’t believe they are like this, how foolish can you be?”

Often these are the very thoughts that are running around and taking of space in the mind and nervous system of the person pointing to others…but they are pointed instead towards the self with any slight or perceived mis-step of their own. 

Pointing to others' failure and blame is a form of distraction, so that ‘the self’ isn’t conscious of where they are blaming themselves. 

Now, that being said…for those reading this that are the “high achiever type”...this is not another reason for you to go inward and self shame or blame. This is an opportunity for understanding your systems, and for others to also have more understanding. 

This is a warm embrace saying…we see you..and you do so much..and maybe it’s time to look deeper and heal  the part of you that shames yourself when you aren’t productive.

AND at the same time..it’s often not simply “just coping”...there are often layered factors that contribute to this feeling and that do include others taking up more responsibility and ownership!

2. Assess Expectations: On Self + Others

By assessing your expectations on yourself and others, you can gain insight into how they are impacting your life and your meaningful relationships.

Identify. Are you clear or unclear? Do you know what you are expecting from others, do they know? Have you been clear with yourself and others about these things. Take a moment to clarify what you want, and name it to yourself first. Sometimes we don’t even know what we want, we just have these nagging expectations and let them lead in our day to day.

**If you’ve identified all you expect yourself to do, and you're doing and it actually doesn’t look like that much and you feel confused as to why it still feels heavy and like your swallowed in a black hole, depression or something else might be at play. Please reach out to a friend to support you in finding therapeutic support in this season, you’re not crazy or alone! 

Reflect. Are your hopes and wants realistic or unrealistic? Are you meant to be holding all that you are, is it sustainable and makes sense in this season? Is it short term or for the long haul? 

Determine the Source. Often, there are underlying clues to why we feel that we are the “only ones” capable of doing. Is it due to an unhealthy belief deep within, culture or societal norms, past trauma or is it something that truly aligns with your values in this time of your life. 

“Therapy isn’t just for when we are in active crisis”

We encourage you to assess your expectations with someone you trust, as objective perspectives can shed light on things that might be blurry for us! Or seek out a qualified therapist to walk with you for a few months.

3. Practice + Exercise BOUNDARIES

There’s so much information now on boundaries: how to set them, what they are, how to notice people stepping on them and so on and so forth- which is awesome. But please remember that boundaries are something that is LEARNED, over TIME. Sliver by sliver. 

Whether it’s you that has poor boundaries in place, or someone close to you that directly affects you and your life…knowing that implementing boundaries is something learned slowly, with many missteps here and there is going to be key to remember. 

For someone that never had healthy boundaries modeled to them, or someone that is a chronic people pleaser, or has underlying trauma – boundaries can feel mean and confusing to figure out. 

I dare say that if you’re the “high achiever” type you probably either have rock solid boundaries which allow you to get things done in an efficient and appropriate manner….or you’re a martyr and you aren’t sure how to say no to requests or projects and just want everyone to be happy, muscling through each day.

Either way, the outcome is you are confused why others can’t “just do it” because you do it. 

We are all different, with different backgrounds, genes, personalities and stories that shaped us. Understanding that not everyone functions the same way you do is a great lesson in life. And also holding that maybe you could learn to function differently, in order to be less stressed, anxious, angry, burnt and downright exhausted. 

(If you’re really sensing that you need to focus on this area, here are 8 simple-ish ways to cultivate better boundaries)

4. Cultivate Support

No one is superhuman, and if you’re feeling exhausted from doing it all, eventually you’ll hit a wall where your body, mind, or heart will demand a break…and it won’t be pretty. 

See where you can cultivate forms of support, prioritizing the areas most important and heavy to you.

(This is why we had you assess expectations and hopes, as knowing your values and what you want and why, comes first!) 

If you're finding that household chores or cleaning is your biggest burden, maybe talk to your partner and see if they can carry some of that weight…or if they truly aren’t able with their time, resources and skill, consider outsourcing by hiring someone once a week to help carry the tasks. 

At work, if it’s all too much for you, speak with your supervisor about how you’re feeling.

See where there can be tasks cut, or a shifted system to offset some of the work that is assigned to you. 

Maybe where you need support is in supporting yourself, find what brings you a moment of calm throughout your day, spaces to slow down, take a breath and do something for you. If this feels impossible…or guilt or shame are screaming too loudly for you to take a step to support yourself, it might be time to reach out for therapeutic support, and press pause on what might seem more important. Your inner child might be needing you the most.

The first step toward healing might be tough, but my darling it is so rewarding, give yourself this gift.

Remember that it's okay to ask for help and to let go of things that are not essential.

By taking some time to evaluate and reflect on the situation and communicating with others, you can find ways to reduce your workload and create a more balanced life. I hope this information can clarify some facts, so you feel less heavy and more clear about what you want and need in life, and a game plan forward.

I know that making a change, having a hard conversation, or asking for help can feel vulnerable.

Please take a breath and know that most often, we land up in ‘chronically doing’ without realizing how we got there, or because there’s an unconscious belief attached to this behavior, that feels normal to our nervous system. You aren’t alone, and there IS help. It is not a sign of weakness or a wasted energy to reach out, and ask for someone else to carry the weight of life with you.

As humans, we need each other.

And we are here for you.

We are believing in change for you as you exhale into cultivating more space and peace, dear reader.

Sending you grace for today,

Xx Laura