Why Transference Is the Key to Therapeutic Progress
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP
Why transference is the key to therapeutic progress
The idea of transference is often lost in translation, and it’s so important for both, therapist and client, to be on the same page when it comes to the definition of it.
What is Transference?
Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, discovered that Transference, the ability to unconsciously redirect feelings and desires from one person to another, is an essential aspect of the therapeutic process.
What this means practically speaking is that if a therapist reminds his or her client of someone who has been a nurturing force in their life, there will be a strong connection, by association. This may help the client feel a level of comfort and maybe even, familiarity, which allows the therapeutic relationship to be a place to engage in deep healing work. This may include tending to repairing and healing relational struggles, working with unmet needs, or working on attachment wounds. Being able to engage in this kind of work allows clients to improve their wellbeing and to maximize their therapy relationship.
The other side of transference.
Transference can also work in the opposite way. If there is an unconscious association between your therapist and someone who stressed you out, judged you, made you feel unsafe or was dismissive, you may have a nagging feeling of discomfort with the therapist. When this is the case, it can feel like something isn’t clicking, but you can’t place your finger on why (as its often unconscious). This negative transference will impact how comfortable you feel, and how much ease you have in settling into the therapy work.
Moments of negative transference.
You may also have an overall good relationship with your therapist, but there is a moment where he/she says something and you’re left spiraling. You just feel emotionally thrown off, triggered or just really upset.
The best thing to do is: bring it up in the moment.
Bold? Yeah, I know! But it’s the best way to work with and through the “road bump”.
And…. once resolved, can lead to more trust and safety in the therapeutic bond.
If it’s transference, it’s most effectively worked with when named and addressed with wisdom and skill. (And if it happens not to be transference, then you’ll get to address and resolve it too.)
These moments that pop up are meant to be expected. Yes, even with someone whom you usually have a good dynamic with, these moments of triggers or unease come up- and they are wonderful opportunities for learning about yourself. Tending to a moment or dynamic of discomfort and addressing it- instead of avoiding it- can allow for a really reparative experience.
Transference outside the therapy room- In real life.
The truth is we are impacted by transference all the time outside the therapeutic setting.
Have you ever had a boss that triggers you? It feels so familiar, yet you can’t put your finger on why. You try everything to avoid confrontation and work hard to overcompensate so you don’t get into conflict... to no avail. Then all of a sudden you are on the phone with your mom and she says something that makes you feel the same way your boss does and you realize that there is a connection there. So when you have an inflammatory reaction toward your boss, it’s not really about your boss. It’s about mommy issues you haven’t yet dealt with.
How Therapy Highlights Unresolved Issues and Can Be a Place to Address, Process and Resolve Them
A strong therapeutic relationship will help place these unresolved issues under a microscope and help you process them so you can respond with more clarity and presence of mind to the people you are actually dealing with in the moment.
The Challenges With Transference
When a client has an unmet relational need that might have been critical to his or her development, a therapist may temporarily take the place (unconsciously) of that critical role or dynamic from the past. Depending on prior experiences and which stage of development was impacted, there could be nurturing or sexual underpinnings to that unmet need which can translate into fantasies of maternal needs or romantic feelings. Of course these are never acted on, however, as they come up, they are wonderful grist for the mill to process in therapy.
All well trained therapists are aware of transference and countertransference and should be comfortable bringing the dynamics up, when they sense that there is some form of transference happening. As well, it’s healthy, as a client, to bring any of these feelings up with your therapist if they come up, so he or she can hold it with you, help you process it, gently, and move through it so you can continue with your therapeutic success in the therapy room, as well as how it translates in real life.
Boundaries and Transference
Boundaries are one of the most significant components to successful living and loving. Setting boundaries is a skill that some have learned and others have not. If you were raised in a home where boundaries were ignored, or if you were in a past relationship where there was intense rigidity or coldness around connection, you may struggle with knowing what kind of boundaries are healthy.
The most vital element of good therapy is boundaries
Therapists play a vital role in not just teaching you skills in knowing what boundaries are appropriate and teaching you to set them, but they are also modeling boundaries in every way they interact with you.
For more about implicit and explicit boundaries, read here.
Good treatment is where the therapist can be compassionate, caring and skillful, while also being clear about and maintaining strong boundaries. Sometimes a client may feel compelled to reach out to a therapist between session or wish that the boundaries are different.
That’s only natural. Some find that they might develop strong feelings like they would toward a parent, grandparent or a close friend. It can be difficult or disappointing to realize that the therapist has their own life, relationships, children, other clients they work closely with… and cannot communicate as freely as they would in other relationships.
Good therapeutic work addresses these and help highlight how you can get the most out of your time in treatment, while also looking at how to help you fill your needs outside of session. When some of this is unconscious, the work will be to provide healing to inner child parts of you that may have felt neglected, unimportant or alone. Diving in a little deeper often helps reduce the compelling feelings, and can help you find more stability and comfort in the work.
Countertransference
Therapists experience transference as well, which is known as countertransference. Since a therapist is also human, he or she will have their own history of hope, love, desire to heal others, as well as their own sadness, attachment wounds and relationship issues. This is a big reason (aside for getting expert input and skills) why therapists will have a supervisor who they consult with about their work so make sure they aren’t overlooking any countertransference blindspots. It’s also why expert therapists engage in their own therapy and have a strong support network, so they are surrounded by others who can point out if they sense that something is amiss, clinically.
If left unchecked, a therapist can get too emotionally involved with their client and can result in boundary violations or acting out their frustration, impatience or being overly nourishing, all of which end up neglecting the therapeutic frame. If a therapist becomes triggered by their client and doesn’t work through it effectively, he or she may have to terminate the relationship to avoid causing undue or unintentional harm.
Is Transference Good or Bad?
Transference itself is not necessarily either good or bad - it just is. It’s an essential part of the therapeutic process and something to always be aware of.
Different Kinds of Transference
There are all different kinds of transference. Some of the more common types include:
Paternal transference: A relationship that feels fatherly in nature, either an idealized one, a realistic one or a challenging one. Unconscious feelings might result in expectations like power, authority, kindness, intelligence or protection projected onto another paternal type figure. There could also be projected feelings of assumed betrayal, mistrust or judgement.
Maternal transference: A relationship that feels motherly in nature, either an idealized one, a realistic one or a challenging one. Unconscious feelings might result in expectations like love, influence, nurturing, or protection projected onto another maternal type figure. There could also be projected feelings of assumed nagging, unrealistic expectations, mistrust or judgement.
Sibling transference: When a sibling took on a more parental, nurturing role than the parent there could be a similar sort of transference as that of a parental role. This type of dynamic tends to particularly impact peer relationships.
Non-familial transference: When idealized expectations override reality, there can be a different sort of transference. These types of relationships (such as a teacher, rabbi, priest, principal or coach) can potentially cause significant impact, almost as much as a parent. When a person starts to show their humanity outside their particular role it can cause emotional unrest for the person who holds that black and white stereotype.
Sexualized transference: Usually refers to a person in therapy who develops a sexual or erotic attraction to their therapist.
Normalizing Transference & Removing the Shame
Transference is a normal human experience and nothing to be ashamed about.
Obviously when feelings become intense and confusing it can be really uncomfortable, but it’s important to learn to deal with these intense emotions. Talking about it with your therapist is the first step. Identifying and naming emotions can help make the intensity more manageable.
You could say something like; “I’ve been feeling an increased amount of anxiety when I think about coming to therapy and I’m curious to explore if it might have something to do with our relationship.” Or “ I sometimes wish you could have been the mother to my inner child that experienced so much neglect”. The therapist would know how to respond in a way that makes you feel more comfortable while helping you explore the possible background of your intense emotions, and utilizing it in your work together in a gentle way.
Repairing the Attachment
The main goals of transference in the therapeutic setting is the support of attachment healing.
Attachment researcher, Dr. Dan Siegel, holds that “the best predictor of a child’s security of attachment is not what happened as children, but rather how his parents helped make sense of those childhood experiences.”
What is Earned Secure Attachment?
He claims that it’s never too late to develop a secure attachment no matter what your attachment history is. He says that it is possible to develop an “Earned Secure Attachment” at any age or stage.
An awareness of transference and countertransference helps the client see their relationships as repairable, which will ultimately help them approach life with a newfound hope. The therapist can use transference to support their client in developing healthier social and relational interactions across the board.
So, if you’re here wondering about your relationship with your therapist, I invite you to slow down and see if any of these are present. In a good therapy relationship, these conversations are great doorways to great healing and to finding relief and more ease.
And if you’re looking for counseling and are located anywhere in New York, know we are here for you.
Our therapists often use attachment focused work as well as EMDR , Somatic - mind/body approaches, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Expressive Arts and Internal Family Systems Parts Work along with other methods of treatment. When it comes to virtual work, we set you up with a virtual packet to get the most out of your work.
Sending gentle wishes for you as you face your day,
Xx
Esther and the Integrative Team
Rycroft, Charles. A Critical Dictionary of Psychoanalysis, 1995