When Love Doesn't Feel Like Love

When Love Doesn’t Feel Like Love

“Hey Gary, How’s Tammy?” Steve nudges Gary as he licks the sticky residue off his fingers as he polishes off one of the wings from the big platter of assorted chicken wings sitting in front of them. Steve had set Gary and Tammy up about six months ago and Gary has been hesitant to decide if she is “the one.” 

Gary and his friends from high school still meet up weekly at a local pub for beers and the best chicken wings in town. They sit in the same booth each week. The owners know to keep their table reserved even when they forget to call ahead. Wherever they have been in their lives they have kept up this ritual.

“Is this love right for me”

All of the friends in this group are currently in their 30’s and at all different stages of life. Steve has been married to Alice for 10 years and has three kids. Paul has been engaged for what seems like 100 years so they don’t even ask him about when his wedding will be anymore. Ken has alway been happily single. He works 80 hours a week at a law firm and doesn’t think it’s fair to be in a relationship until he makes partner and can slow down a bit. 

Meet Gary

Gary was the first to get married and was divorced the year after. His wife Sheryl was not emotionally healthy and she knew it. They were high school sweethearts and at a certain point she couldn't take the toxic environment in her parents home and the only way she could think of to get out and be supported was to get married. Gary was excited because he had wanted to marry Sheryl since they were 16. He loved her and thought that he could protect and save her, but in the end love wasn’t enough for her. She couldn’t love him in the way he deserved to be loved... she couldn’t love anyone, at the time.

She got pregnant right away and left two weeks after their daughter, Jenny, was born to go backpacking in India, to “find herself”. Sheryl thought that if she stuck around she would mess up her daughter’s life and she didn’t want to cause Jenny to be as “broken” as she was. Though she saw this act as being selfless, it was far from what was ideal, as she left Gary to tend to the abandonment and loss Jenny would experience as she grew up, essentially motherless.

Why Gary’s Heart is Guarded, and Why Your’s May Be Guarded, Too

Gary was heartbroken but had more than enough love to give, and Sheryl knew knew he would be a great dad. Needless to say, he was granted full custody. His parents lived nearby so they helped take care of Jenny while Gary finished his medical school training.

He had some serious emotional wounds from this past relationship experience, so when he felt ready to start dating again he found something wrong with every girl he went out with. One was too clingy, one was too distant, one asked too many questions, one didn’t ask enough questions… He never wanted to be hurt again.

Gary wanted to do everything in his power to be the best dad that he could be for Jenny, so all throughout med school he attended therapy weekly and got so into it that when it came time to choosing a specialty, he decided on Psychiatry. He spends his days supporting others with their emotional concerns, yet he remains very guarded in his own personal life. 

After six months of dating, all Gary knew was that he was attracted to Tammy for sure, but there was something that was tugging at him, and he couldn’t pinpoint what it was. They were on again and off again, but there was something about Tammy kept pulling him back in. Before meeting Gary, Tammy had just ended a long term relationship with her ex-boyfriend. She had been so excited to leave that toxic relationship and was so glad to have finally taken the step to move on.

Gary’s worries- are they valid?

Gary was subconsciously worried that Tammy wouldn’t be able to blend into his family, because she had never truly been a parent, and his life had been solo-parenting for as long as he could remember. Gary was also concerned about her obsession with working- she had a high-profile job and would often work late hours. Did he want to entertain the idea of having a partner who was often busy with work-related tasks and not give her undivided attention to him? Could she actually ever understand what Gary’s life has been like?

Tammy was ready to accelerate their relationship. She was excited to finally have met someone she respects and where there was healthy communication. She was excited to be part of a family and move into her next phase of life.

When a thick-skinned man shares his heart with his friends

Gary sat with his friends and continued to open up.

“I feel really happy and excited when I’m around Tammy, but something makes me pause. Maybe I wonder why she stayed so long in an unhealthy relationship with her ex-boyfriend and hadn’t set healthy boundaries. I just don’t know.”

When there’s a tug at your heart, listen in

Steve shares some words of wisdom, “Gary, I know this feels familiar. Don’t ignore the hesitation. That tugging is a part of you that is trying to tell you something.

When the guy sees the value in counseling

All the guys stared at Steve, jaws dropped. Steve was not a touchy feely sensitive kind of guy. He had always been super macho, uber masculine, but it seemed the couple’s therapy he was attending with Alice was rubbing off on him. 

Steve goes on, “Gary, relationships are sometimes turbulent and take effort. In the movies we only get to see the beginning, middle and end of the story, but there is much work in between”. Steve opens up his Amazon app and orders the book “The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved” by Matthew Kelley for Gary without even asking him if he wanted it. “Gary, my wife is dropping this book off at your house”, he says, pointing to the book cover he pulled up on his phone. I ordered myself a new one, so this is for you to keep. Our couples therapist made us read it after our first session and I think it will give you a bit more clarity.” 

As their get-together wraps up, Gary’s heart warms with thoughts of the fun and laughter he had with his friends.

Is his hesitation based on his own fear or is this just not the right fit?

Something about Tammy fits just right on paper but in his heart, he still feels a sense of worry and a bit of emptiness. He’s not a very emotional guy, but as he gets into his car he feels a prickling of tears in the corners of his eyes.

Everyone deserves to feel safe, nurtured and to have someone in their life who is invested in trying to understand them and to want to do whatever it takes to make it work.

An hour after Gary got home his book arrived. After he tucks Jenny into bed, Gary changes into his coziest sweats, pours himself a glass of red wine and settles into his “spot” on the couch, and reads. 

As he reads, Gary realizes is that he and Tammy might be experiencing a mismatch of “Levels of Emotional Intimacy”. It isn't explicit. It isn't something measurable on the outside… but it's an experience  that needs to be considered, to see if they have the capacity to be on the same page when it comes to emotional intimacy.

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Emotional Intimacy is What Makes Relationships Meaningful

I see this dynamic in my practice quite often; with couples, or within any type of relationship in which two people interact on a regular basis. When working with different relationship dynamics, I remind my clients that in order to experience true and deep intimacy, we need to find a way to share ourselves with other people and be vulnerable in a safe way. 

Healthy relationships require a sense of safety in being vulnerable. 

In order to experience true and deep intimacy, we need to find a way to share ourselves with other people. This can be extra challenging if one has experienced abuse or emotional neglect in past relationships, and especially when those relationships date all the way back to infancy or childhood. We call this attachment wounds.

The need to experience intimacy is not reserved for romantic relationships. We can learn to be more intentional about relationship intimacy by exploring the levels a bit more in depth. 

Matthew Kelley and the Seven Levels Of Intimacy

Matthew Kelley writes about Mastering Seven levels of intimacy. Some of those levels can be consolidated because a few of the levels seem to overlap quite a bit. Here is my own shortened version, the Five levels of emotional intimacy;

The 5 LEVELS OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

1. Safe Communication: This is a baseline level of intimacy that can be shared with literally anyone, even people we don’t know very well. In fact, it helps us more than we realize. These relationships stimulate our vagus nerve, releasing all sorts of wellness hormones. We get an extra shot of these stimulants when we engage with new people that we normally don’t interact with, like the mailman or a waitress. It requires minimal investment and little-to-no risk of rejection. There is no need to share personal information or opinions. There is no pressure. The importance of engaging with others at this level should not be underestimated. It can enrich your life in so many ways you don’t even realize.

2. Sharing External Information & Opinions: Even though it seems that we are not being all that intimate at this level because we are not sharing anything too personal, we do reveal a bit more about ourselves. By sharing information and opinions that others have said or believe (like a critic’s opinion of a good book you have read or a breaking news report) you can get a sense of the other person's receptiveness in a safe and non-committal way.

In this stage we can subtly test the other person’s reaction as a gauge to see if it feels right to take the conversation to a more intimate level. When we feel a sense of judgement or criticism at this point, it’s less personal and we can more easily back away from the conversation without either person getting hurt. This can protect us from feeling directly threatened by potential criticism or rejection. 

3. Getting a Bit More Personal - Sharing Our Own Thoughts & Opinions: Once we feel a bit safer, we can begin to share our own thoughts, opinions and beliefs. It will definitely feel more vulnerable, as this is a much bigger risk than sharing other people’s opinions, but there is still an element of protection.

If we stick to thoughts and opinions, we can get an even better sense of the connection potential of the other person without a lot of risk. You are not sharing your emotions or personal experiences, so it’s still more removed and less vulnerable.

4. Even More Personal - Sharing Our Own Feelings and Experiences: This type of revelation, if things are feeling right, is a healthy risk. If you have been successfully intimate at previous levels, you can now start to test the waters to see if it feels ok to be a bit more vulnerable. Sharing our personal feelings and experiences of failure, joy, hopes and dreams is definitely a more vulnerable interaction.

Intimacy can be scary, but it’s also the doorway to warmth, love and safety

At this stage of intimacy, it hurts a bit deeper if you’re criticized or rejected, however, any solid relationship will require at least this much of an investment to decide if it feels right to continue. The question is if both of them are able to meet each other at a deeper level of sharing, at some point, and in a way that it is fulfilling and gratifying to both.

You won’t know if you don’t try.

The potential benefits will generally outweigh the potential risk if you have made it this far. At this stage you will also get a sense of the other person’s ability to resonate with you, be trusted and to validate your personal experiences.

5. Totally Intimate - Sharing Our Needs, Emotions and Desires: We cannot get to the highest level of intimacy without a great amount of trust. When we feel truly safe in sharing the deepest core of ourselves, that is when we know we have struck gold.

Many long-term relationships don’t reach this stage because, especially when there are lots of unhealed attachment wounds, it can be way too emotionally challenging. It requires the sort of up close and personal vibe that can almost feel painful at first, especially if you were raised in an environment in which true connectivity is a foreign concept.

In this level we feel safe to reveal our truest self, the self we tend to hide from the rest of the world.

The depth and intensity of this level is not something that is easy to attain for many, because living real life includes battle scars, and those scars often keep many people more guarded than we they may realize. Our reactions to intense intimacy will be guided by all of our past experiences and so will the other person’s. This level can be a lifelong pursuit that requires both people to be fully invested in its achievement and maintenance. 

Remember, Intimacy Takes Time! 

Yes, it’s great when relationships are smooth as silk and effortless, but that is never the reality. People unintentionally poke nerves they don’t know were there. They might seem insensitive when really they had no idea that their behavior would trigger you.

The true test of potential is seeing the other person’s reaction to making a mistake.

When you confront him or her is he gracious? Kind? Apologetic? Is he or she willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work? Or is he or she defensive, mocking or critical? Vulnerability is rarely easy, especially when we have some wounds that keep on opening up, but it is a prerequisite to truly deep connection with another person. 

To reach level five takes time, effort, some risks, discomfort and being open to the risks of rejection.

Yes, it truly does take two to tango

When one partner jumps ahead from 0-60 too soon, or the other person isn’t willing to be flexible, the relationship will probably stall or end. If, however, the other person is willing to invest in the relationship and is willing to face disagreements and struggles in a honest and open way, that’s a good sign.

It’s important to be on a similar intimacy scale with a partner.

BEWARE OF INTIMACY LEVEL TRAPS

1. False Sense of Intimacy: If you are sharing at a level 4 and your partner is sharing at a level 2, you will feel more intimate within the relationship than they do, which will lead to a false sense of intimacy on your part (or visa versa.) You want to make sure that your partner is willing to flow through the levels at the same pace as you. The level of a couple’s intimacy will ultimately be measured by the person who is engaging at the lowest common denominator -  the lower level of vulnerability.

If you are into fast acceleration on the intimacy scale and they prefer to take it slow and learn more about you, you will inevitably be disappointed. If the person seems like they are worth the investment, you can suggest functioning at an in-between level, which will require patience and strong communication from both of you. 

2. Male / Female Discrepancies: It’s not always the case, but more often than not, the female in a relationship (or the partner who has more emotionally dominant traits) will assume they should, as a couple, be further along on the intimacy scale than is realistic for the male.

Females tend to accelerate relationships and feel connected faster than males (unless there are attachment wounds that impact how they connect.)

Females also tend to bond differently than males do, both in group settings and within romantic relationships. Many people assume that the opposite gender will be as attuned to their needs as their same-sex friends if they are “the one”, but that is not always the case. Remember, there is a reason why the book “Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus” has been a top seller for years.

Premature sexual activity = inaccurate sense of intimacy

3. Premature Sexual Connection: Another “level trap” is a strong premature sexual connection. It is easy to believe that we are deeply connected with someone because we have a great sex with them, but that should not be confused with levels of emotional intimacy. Sex can accelerate our perception, making us think we jumped a few levels when we really didn’t. At that point expectations will be skewed. The truth is, when we can fully trust another person and feel loved unconditionally, that is the ultimate in intimacy (and can ultimately lead to a deeper enjoyment of sex.) It’s often good to keep sex off the table for a time at the beginning of a relationship to make sure the connection is real. 

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Can Gary and Tammy’s relationship work out? Maybe…

Now let’s get back to Gary & Tammy. It seems to me as though they are on different intimacy levels. He wants to settle down with someone who he can feel safe being vulnerable with. Since Sheryl, Gary has been worried that anyone who exhibits similar characteristics is not trustworthy and will run away. He so desperately wants to feel loved and valued for all of the incredible person he has become and needs someone who values a similar type of effort.

Given the above, his mixed emotions make sense

Is this relationship doomed? Not necessarily. But it’s important that Gary not ignore his intuition and discuss his concerns openly with Tammy and see if they can connect on a similar platform. Humans are complex and unique. There is nothing wrong with being at different levels of emotional intimacy. It is however, important to note that if it’s becoming a roadblock in your relationship.

The way each person connects is beautiful and valuable and to be respected, even if it different than the way that you connect.

One is not better than another.

They may simply operate differently and there would be nothing wrong with either of them if that was the case, but it would be important to look at if they are trying to bridge a gap that is simply just too big. If he keeps feeling torn about the relationship, it would be helpful for him to ask himself the following;

Questions to Ask Yourself While Dating

• Does this relationship feel right enough to invest more time in? 

• If there are red flags, are they significant enough that it would not be advisable to continue? Does Tammy seem like the kind of girl who could grow with him or is the hesitation based on legitimate signals of a potentially neglectful, controlling, critical or abusive traits?

• Is the hesitation because there is just not a good connection? Or is it based on past issues that have little to do with Tammy directly? 

• Is he carrying forward some old attachment and relationship patterns (grasping, pushing, avoiding or withdrawing) OR is he attracted to the wrong kind of girl (based on his old wounds) and this relationship is reinforcing old patterns of not getting his needs met?

• Is he making this decision out of fear or out of a sense of intuition?

• Has he answered these questions on the make-up or break-up questionnaire?

Ultimately, relationships are the ultimate dance. 

It requires a willingness to practice moving in-sync with another person and a willingness to navigate through the ever evolving roadblocks together. It requires the acknowledgement that you will not always be in-sync with each other but you each trust in each other’s ability to regroup and rectify the misstep. It requires tremendous vulnerability, knowing that you will inevitably trip and fall, and that the other person will be there to catch you, lift you up, and not judge you when it happens.

Investing in a relationship doesn’t mean there will never be storms to whether.

It means you have chosen the person with whom you want to seek shelter, and the one who warms your heart as you dance in the rain together. 

If you’re navigating a new love, an old love or something else, I’m here sending you much gentle care as you take the next best step towards a healthy relationship.

P.S. If you want a more detailed questionnaire on questions to ask yourself when deciding to make-up or break-up, read here.

Much love,

Xx

Esther and the Integrative Team