When a Narcissist Plays with Your Heart

“Esther, I am going to sit here and tell you a story that you won’t believe. But I’m going to keep telling it to you because I need to share this story. And even if you don’t believe me right away, I hope you will believe me, with time.

I look up at Erica. She’s got a fierce energy, an urgency in her voice, and a desperation for me to understand her, and the story she’s holding. I respond;

“Erica, I want to hear it all. And I also wonder what’s making you think that I wouldn’t believe you the first time you tell me your “story”. I have no reason to doubt you. I am here to listen. Can you give me a shot?”

Erica looks at me, and slowly, the tears that she’s held back until now, begin rushing down her flushed, round cheeks.

She peers up at me as if to check if I really meant what I just said. I sense her worry, and so I gently move my chair just slightly closer to the sofa she’s sitting on. There’s still a distance between us, but I feel like I want to convey my warmth and presence with her and her story. And often, a subtle shift such as moving in a bit closer can convey “Hey, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere”.

As Erica digests what I said, she places her right hand over her mouth, seeming deep in thought;

“Ok, thanks for saying that.

I’ve just gotten accustomed to assuming that people won’t believe me. Josh told me that I make things up, that I exaggerate, and that people won’t believe the things I say. I kinda started believing him.

I guess it’s one of the scars I’m left with.

I can see a streak of pain cross her eyes.

It seems that something about this relationship with Josh has dimmed the light in her soul. I am hoping that in our space together we will be able to replenish her vibrancy that seems to have once been there.

“Esther, do you think you can help me? I know you helped one of my good friends a few years ago, but honestly, I’m worried I’m “unhelp-able”

“I surely hope that, working together, I can help you. And I do need to say that each person’s healing looks uniquely different, so let’s focus on you and your healing. Is that ok? I think it’ll get us somewhere.”

And, I go on to add;

“To the part of you that may be asking if there’s any hope for you to hold onto- and if you can actually heal your heart, and mind, I want to share this: Yes dear, I do believe that healing is within reach for you. Look at you, you’ve taken some pretty consistent steps to getting healing “in your books”. Those people I’ve met who were devoted to change, are the ones who make the most strides and create significant shifts in their lives.

You’ve told me you reached out to your friends when you felt something was off, and they verified that you weren’t acting like yourself. You then found a few therapists to call, and you even set a boundary with Josh- from what you told me on the brief call we had.”

And…you’re here!” I say, as I wave my hand, gesturing to the room around us.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Erica says as she chuckles.

And for a moment there, I see a little glisten in her eyes. “Yes!”, I think to myself. All we need to start with, is a few moments of giggles for Erica to slowly begin feeling like herself again, bit by bit.

How Laughter Is An Indicator of Healing

Part of healing from any kind of trauma or relational wound is by slowly having the person be able to express a range of emotions. And from what I can tell, Erica has been feeling down for some time; and of course, feeling sadness, anger, pain and grief will be part of her processing. At the same time, I am hopeful, that with time, we will find her voice, her truth, and help her rediscover who she is beyond this story. And in doing that, I trust that she will find the laugher and love that exists within in. Erica’s healing will help her move beyond the pain she’s endured so she can experience joy again.

For now, I need to focus on Erica, the woman sitting across me. She goes on to tell her story.

“Ok, so let me tell you where I’m at and the cliff notes on the story.

Basically I was always the “untouchable girl”. My friends were the ones who partied and were out having fun. But I was the careful one, the wise one, the protective one. It’s probably because I’m the oldest of a family of 4. My parents were ‘kinda neglectful and I was the one on the lookout to be sure my siblings were ok; emotionally, that is. Meaning, my dad was often out working because he was busy chasing the dream of making his next million. And my mom, I think she just felt unfulfilled being a mom and she never really found her passion. She probably has some kind of depression. But that’s for another session.

Basically, I had to be the smart one. I was the mama bear making sure my siblings were “good”. And more recently, my youngest sister finished high school, and whisked off to college. I think I felt relief that she’s ok, and the kiddos in my family are finally grown up. So, instead of turning down Saturday night invites, I’d go with friends. Instead of staying at home coaching my sister through her social issues or college applications, I decided to socialize more. It’s been good for me overall. I’ve got to laugh more than I had in a while.…but then came Josh. Josh was one big bad mistake.

When the Body Tells A Tale

As she mentions the name “Josh”, her face suddenly falls. There’s a sudden aura of sadness that surrounded her. Her shoulders slump and I begin to wonder about who this Josh is, and what went wrong with him. But I’m not pushing for more information, I am sure she will share at a pace that feels right.

“When I met Josh, I knew right away that he was bad news. He had an air to him that wasn’t kind. He was abrasive and outspoken. And yes, a part of me was intrigued and pulled to him. But another part of me told me to stay away. He reminded me of my high school boyfriend who was just a whole bag of “no good”. Back in high school, my nutty boyfriend and I had fun, but looking back, it was just chaos. And Josh was exactly like that. Chaos.

But a different kind of chaos. A painful chaos. The chaos of being with someone who always needs to be the center of attention, who makes you feel euphoric when he gives you attention, but also ignores you when you’re not making him feel special.

Ugh. It was hell.”

She looks up and tracks for my eyes. It’s like she wants to be sure I’m following along.

I have been listening attentively, and am pretty confident I am getting it all.

“The absent dad, the somewhat-depressed mom, the burdened child who was likely parentified (a child who needs to take on the role of parenting) and the sweet Erica who recently has been socializing, and it’s been good for you, aside for the Josh guy. Which has been chaotic. A bad kind of chaos.”

I look at her, sharing my brief overview, and she nods in approval as in “ok, you’re following”. So, she goes on…

“Okay, this is how my friends describe Josh;

“Josh is a manipulator, a gaslighter and narcissistic.”

Oh that took a big turn. One moment she’s telling me about how Josh was a mistake but suddenly she’s diving in. Oh okay, this does sound like a. lot.

My eyes must be bulging because I see her looking at me with a funny look.

“Is everything ok?” I ask.

“Um, why do you look so shocked and surprised, Esther?” she asks.

I bring my fingers to my forehead and feel my crunched brow. She’s right, my facial expression is not soft.

“Erica, I guess I am a bit in shock because those are all strong terms. If those are terms your friends are using to describe him, wow. Being with someone like that isn’t usually just tough, it’s like navigating a tornado.”

Gaslighting Is One Of The Worst Forms of Mental Manipulation

“Yes, Esther. Those words describe it perfectly. A gross, yucky, confusing tornado that I wish I could erase from my memory.”

Her tears start falling again.

“I wish I could erase it all from my memory. His voice, his face, his words, they haunt me. I need to rid them from my psyche.”

“Erica, I can sense how painful this has been for you. And I feel the pain as you share…” I say, as I put my hand on my heart.

I’m not just placing my hand on my heart as a gesture of care, but I actually feel a pang in my heart. As a fellow human, I’ve felt heartache, and I know how badly it can ache. Here, my heart is feeling for hers, deeply.

We will slowly work on the memories and the emotional scars she’s left with. I will help her desensitize the upsetting memories as well. But for now, I am gathering the data. Good therapy is about pacing the sessions and engaging in healing in a focused, slow and mindful way.

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As Erica went on to share, I realize that her friends may actually be on par with their diagnostic terms. From the comments Josh made to Erica, and from the self-centered way it seems he engaged in their dynamic, Josh does seem to likely to fit the bill of someone with narcissist tendencies.

Narcissists aren’t all bad: they are simply deeply wounded and, often inflict deep pain on those closest to them (unless/until they engage in healing work).

Erica’s relationship wasn’t all bad; she shared the loving moments when Josh surprised her for her birthday, when he changed her linen and when he showed up for her when she lost her childhood dog. This is part of why Erica stayed as long as she did. He wasn’t all bad, but the mix of good and bad was all part of the mental confusion she grappled with. Josh would go from being loving and snuggly to suddenly getting irritated if he felt insecure or got annoyed by something Erica said, did or didn’t say or do.

“I didn’t just feel like I was walking on eggshells, it felt like I never knew when I’d get the warm side or the cold side;

“It was a subtle, ongoing feeling of confusion that started eroding at my sanity.”

“You know what the worst part of this is, Esther? Erica looks at me with a look of anger, and then goes on. “When I decided I was no longer interested in him, he decided to twist the story around and make it sound like he’s dumping me because I’m the “no good” one. He felt me pulling away and starting telling me why I’m a horrible human, and how many issues I have.

And you know what? There was nothing to say. I just felt sheer terror because I knew that if I answered back, I would just get swooped up into a rabbit hole of fighting with someone who is better at manipulation that I was. I had no chance. So I just listened to his words and pretended to agree.”

“It’s the most horrid feeling to have words that can’t be spoken….but I knew that speaking would just incriminate me, so I kept it in.”

As Erica speaks, I sense her somatic expression. As a sensorimotor psychotherapist, I often am tracking for what the body is needing to express as much as the words are. Tapping into her energy, I can sense that her body holding an intensity; one that could be comparable to that of a dragon needing to let its fiery wrath out. Rage and injustice gets trapped in our bodies when we are forced to “shove it down” and put it away. When we retell a story with a focus of healing the pain, the intensity of emotions often come up. This allows an opportunity for processing and for subsequent relief.

“This energy is so important Erica. I can feel the anger. I see your clenched fist and tight jaw as you speak.

It’s so healthy that your body knows that this behavior is enraging. It is not ok. It was not ok. And I am glad you’re no longer in it.”

Healing isn’t about focusing on the past to stay there. Healing is about focusing on the past so you can move on.

By healing, you release the burdens and pain, which automatically makes space for newfound energy. Healthy vibrant energy that invites new, better experiences. She looks at me with a feeling of relief.

“So I’m not nuts? I have felt like I need to just let it go and move on. Josh told me I’m just too sensitive. I wonder if I am too dramatic or if this is real.”

Gaslighting: a form of psychological manipulation where one person makes the other person doubt their reality, memory or perception.

“Nope, you’re not crazy at all, I reply. All of those things he said are aspects of gaslighting- where someone makes you doubt your own reality, memory or perception. You have a good internal compass. And I would trust it. You need to feel all these important feelings you’re feeing so you can shake off all the energy that’s been trapped in your body.”

Being with Josh sounds like you were under an invisible “gag order”.

We are working on reversing that. Let’s unleash your voice and that wisdom you’ve got.

“She laughs. YES I do! she says.”

We have a few more minutes to the session and we wrap up the work for the day. Over the next few months we engage in some somatic healing, helping her body renegotiate the experiences she had with Josh, and the negative beliefs she carried from having been with him for the year they were together.

One memory we processed was where he asked for sex and she didn’t want it. She struggled internally, as she was afraid of saying “no” because he would get mad at her for “rejecting him”. She pretended to be interested, as she was frightened that a rejection would propel him into one of his terrifying “blow-ups”. The choice to agree to something even-though she did not want it, is known as the fawn/submit response often used by trauma survivors when faced with danger.

The fawn response is when someone submits their energy and moves to “people pleasing to avoid conflict/danger.

Later in our work, we used somatic experience and helped Erica engage in an act of triumph regarding that specific sexual event. We utilized the “push” response to re-enact the memory, and renegotiated the event. We focused on the “push (one of the five developmental movements) by helping her body “push Josh away” instead of welcoming him in- using an object in the room in a figurative sense. We also processed moments where Erica lost her voice, lost her power and lost her sense of who she was. Utilizing somatic exercises helped her body release the belief she held of, “I am in danger, and replace the belief with “I am safe now”.

The somatic work was a big component in her healing.

Over the course of our treatment blended methods of creative arts, somatic work and talk therapy to help her re-oreint to the incredible human she was and is. To learn to trust her body and mind again, and to be surrounded by others who helped her share her story in a way that felt safe. Where she no longer (chronically) second-guessed herself.

With time, her sparkle began to come back and her laughter filled the therapy room more and more.

She was healing. It was heartwarming to witness.

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Healing takes time, but with time and work, shifts do happen.

Here’s a snapshot into healing.

At our 8 month mark of therapy Erica came in with a smile across her face; it almost felt like someone had given her the best news ever and I was pretty darn curious.

“What is is? I ask, trying to be patient but also wondering.

Esther….I think I’m actually healing. You know why? A few nights I was out with some friends and Jacob asked me to go on a walk with him. I knew he was eyeing me for some time, but after Josh, I was afraid to trust myself in knowing if I can choose someone good for me. But I actually checked with myself and I felt fine going on a walk with him. We’ve been chatting for the past few days and I have a low grade feeing of curiosity and excitement.

I don’t know if I had told you this, but I was worried I’d be scared of men, forever. And feeling calm about Jacob has been so good for me to see that I think I’ll be ok with dating.”

I see her breath a deep sigh of relief. And I take one with her.

“Can you feel that? The deep breath? I ask gently.

Yes, I do, she says with that smile growing up to her eyes.”

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Erica is an example of someone who was in a relationship with a narcissist. It often comes with a feeling of doubt, confusion and insecurity. The reason I bring you the story about Erica is because she isn’t someone who you’d “think” would get pulled into an unhealthy dynamic. And if you’re someone who finds yourself in a relationship with someone who is hurting you by mentally manipulating you, gaslighting you or being emotionally abusive, please don’t judge yourself.

Humans are humans.

We are are all susceptible to being impacted by those in our life.

Now, what is a narcissist?

A person with narcissistic personality disorder often presents with an obvious lack of empathy for others, needs an excessive amount of admiration from others and often acts out of arrogance and self-centeredness. When you interact with a narcissist, it’s common to feel patronized, or manipulated. You may also find them to be incredibly demanding, selfish and even cocky.

You do not need to stay engaged with someone who is harming you; yes, even if it’s invisible harm.

You can choose to educate yourself on what is healthy and okay for you, and what is not. And to set boundaries to protect your sacred energy, time, mind and heart. If you’re looking for some one on one counseling, our therapists are here to support you to develop healthier relationships.

Now, wherever you are at in the world, I am hoping this finds you in a space of love and care. Or at least inspires you to know that you are deserving of kindness, love and care; and to challenge anything less than that.

And if you live in New York, and looking for your own psychotherapy so you can engage in healing, and experience relief, reach out!

If you’re reading this because you’ve been curious about engaging in some one on one counseling, I invite you to reach out here.

At Integrative Psychotherapy we help clients engage in body-focused healing so they can live more wholesomely.

We also use other scientific based methods such as EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, Internal Family Systems/ Parts work, Expressive Arts, and Cognitive Talk therapies. Reach out today for your free 15 minute consultation to see how we can help you feel better.

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Until then,

Sending much love your way

xx

Esther and the Integrative Team