Boundaries: 8 Ways to Protect the Relationships You Cherish

Did you know that in my book, the word “boundaries” is synonymous for the word “love”?

Some of us may worry that when we set boundaries we may be hurting people’s feelings. Now, in truth, allowing resentment and frustration to build up and simmer is actually what destroys relationships - not boundaries. 

Boundaries are actually the lifejacket that protects and nourishes the relationship!

If you find it tricky to identify the boundaries you’re needing to clarify, and set, or if you’re struggling with implementing the boundaries you need, a therapist can help! Good boundary setting is a lifelong practice.

It’s all about the development of attunement, sensitivity, compassion, a “felt sense” and self-awareness. It’s the kind of skill that we get better with, with time, practice and confidence.

Here are 8 ideas to keep in mind when setting boundaries during the holiday season (or any time of year);

1} Pushback is Normal

People without boundaries may feel uncomfortable around those who have strong boundaries. It’s OK for other people not to like your boundaries. That does not mean you don’t have to set them. It protects the other people as much as it protects you (even though they may not fully understand. You can choose to explain it to them, if it make sense for you.)

2} Clarity is Kind.

When we are confused with our boundaries, it’s easier for us to get annoyed or aggravated with others. When we are clear, we can implement our boundaries with much more grace and kindness.

You can lovingly tell you mother in law that you aren’t available during homework time in the evening, even though that’s when we wants to chat with the children about their day. You can clearly let her know the ideal times to call and spend time with the kids. You can tell a colleague that you will not be available to answer your phone you will not be responding to texts or emails about work, outside of your office hours to keep your home and work life separate. You get to set and stick to your boundaries while being kind!

3} Verbal Boundaries Are a Thing

You can set boundaries about the way you are willing to be spoken to. If your boss, family member, “friend” or teacher speaks in an abusive or overly aggressive tone, you can respectfully say something like, “I am happy to speak with you (and with a boss, “I’m happy to comply with your wishes”),  but I don’t feel comfortable with the manner in which you are asking me. Please speak to me in a kinder way.” This may feel particularly difficult for people who are brought up in abusive homes or people who think that authority has the right to treat people poorly.  If this is you, please know this: No matter what, you need to be spoken to with respect and kindness.

4} “Too Much” Kindness Is A Thing Too

If you’re barely catching your breath, or often feeling worn down because you’re a “yes man” or “sure, darling” person, you may be “too kind”. Yes, there is something called being “too sweet” or “too kind”; it usually means you’re missing some boundaries. Healthy relationships need boundaries to survive. So, though you may think that your kindness is a good thing, it may actually backfire at some point. You will likely feel tired, and pull back, get annoyed with the other person or start feeling resentful of yourself- for your self-neglect.

This concept is similar to the concept with Charity as well. Giving is wonderful, but there’s a mindful balance. If you look at theTorah (Bible), you’ll see there are rules for how much charity you are allowed to give. There is a concept called “tything” for a reason. We are not meant to give more than 10-20% of our charity away because we also have to make sure we are there for ourselves and our dependents. This idea works with time as well.

5} Intimate Relationships Need Healthy Boundaries Too!

You do not have to share every detail of your life with your partner or parent. There is a fine line between being “close” to being codependent.

Respecting each others’ identities is important in relationships. We all need time and space from each other. Intimate relationships are those that have a balance of true closeness and bonding but also a healthy level of individuality. You do not need to share everything that your best friend shares with you, with your partner or parent. Actually, I would encourage you to be mindful of what kinds of things are shared and which are not.

6} Time Boundaries

You can set boundaries with the amount of family time you can handle this holiday (if any) and who you will spend time with. If you feel you have to do the obligatory family party and great aunt Polly, who irritates you, criticizes you, asks you inappropriate and prying questions and makes you uncomfortable will be there, you can either (if wise in this instance) speak with her beforehand and ask her to respect your boundary. And if she doesn’t, you can always gracefully leave.

Make sure you have an exit strategy set in place and you can limit the time spent with anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable. If you are really anxious about attending a certain party, you can always send a kind video message instead of going to the party and tell the person that you are thinking about them.

7} Social Media Boundaries

You can take a break from social media if it makes you feel anxious, depressed, or any other heavy emotion. People will live without your plastered smile for a few days. We all know that the crevices of reality and imperfections aren’t portrayed online. Choosing to look outward when you are feeling vulnerable is usually a slippery slope to “Yuck Ville”. Skip the scrolling, or at least limit the time on social media if you need to.

Make sure to schedule some time with those of your friends or family that you truly enjoy being with. Those people you can just be so you around. Surround yourself with people who support you, your life, and the choices you make. We all have people who believe in us. Stick with those people! Those are your people. 

8} Sorry Boo, Most People Aren’t Mind Readers

I know, I also wish that people would know what’s on my mind, but most often, they don’t. The good news is that we can choose to share and let those in our lives know what we need, and what we are thinking/feeling. If you want to be respected for your boundaries, it would be wise to share openly and honestly about your needs. We also expect from others what we are not able to give ourselves. Communication allows an issue to be tended to so it doesn’t grow bigger and bigger.

If having boundary conversations feel difficult, you can invite someone you trust to support you as you have a boundary conversation with someone, or you can always book a therapy appointment to get some advice on how to handle a situation.

Wrapping up..

I hope these tips can give you some food for thought or guidance in navigating boundaries and protecting your relationships.

Try even one and see how it lands! And if you’re needing some personalized support, know that we are here for you! Reach out today if you’re looking to meet with a boundaries expert to help you feel better, starting today!

Sending much care and strength your way!

XX

Esther and the Integrative Team