Who's Up for A Family Role Trip?

By Naami Shiff, LCSW

What do family “roles” have to do with going on a “road trip?

Listen in, I’m sitting here in my Long lsland office and between my counseling sessions, I was thinking about this.

I’ll explain what connection “family roles” have to do with going on a road trip!

The weather is finally changing, sounds of spring are in the air, and summer is right around the corner. Spring fever is on the rise and many of us are itching to leave the office and get away for a weekend.

Growing up in sunny California as one of six children, vacation always meant a good ole family road trip. My mother would pack us snacks and activity books to keep us littles busy as my father would load up the suitcases and an ice chest into the trunk of our minivan.

We would cruise up the west coast from LA to Monterey Bay or San Francisco. I have many fond memories of being half car sick, elbowing my sister, watching the ocean view from the window, and of course, the faithful cry of “Are we there yet?”

…..Maybe that’s why in my adult life I resonated so deeply with Ellen Y. Chute’s family systems theory of the family car. 

The Family Car 

In her newly released book, What Drives You? Ellen Y. Chute explains how…

Our family dynamics shape the people we become.

We live in a relational world, our days are filled with multiple interactions with service workers, co-workers, and our closest family and friends. At the youngest of ages, our capacity for relational understanding is first formed within the confines of our family.

We drive through life connected to the original well oiled machine that first raised us and introduced us to the road. 

Roles in the Car

The family car is a metaphor that can be used to explain how a family functions and what roles each family member plays.

Every family car has a driver seat, a passenger seat, and an array of seats in the back, each with their own unique role.

Within each family system, there is usually a primary driver who makes the family’s decisions and has a higher level of power than other family members. In my car, my father was always clearly in the driver seat as he would make all the final calls and my mother would often defer us to him.

My mother rode right next to him in the passenger seat, she loved to sit by his side, never wanting to drive, yet always pointing out the spectacular view. We are six children, and as we grew the back seat of the car would shift and change.

As a younger girl, I see myself sitting in the middle of the back seat, available to pass things and help out both my parents and my siblings. In my family dynamic, my role was to be the helpmate. My family car encouraged me to trust the driver, to notice the beauty all around us, to be helpful and please others. 

Rules of the Car

All families come with the rules of the car. The rules hold the car together and carry it from one day to the next. Some rules are overt and explained clearly, while other rules are covert, and while they are well known to all the members of the car, they are not spoken of.

The rules in our family’s car have a lot of influences over our adult personalities and world views.

Many of us grew up in homes with rules that don’t promote individuality, such as “Don't talk back”, “Don’t question”, or “Put on a smile and pretend everything is fine”. 

These rules leave children unable to express their feelings and find comfort or support. Rules such as “People can be heard”, “People are supported”, and “People are tolerant of each other’s flaws” promote individuality. They encourage authenticity and teach children to express their feelings and that they matter. 

Building Your Family Car

The ideal family car has firm but flexible rules. There is a clear structure and authority member who provides the family with a predictable routine. This helps children understand that there are rules in life, and they are expected to follow them.

However, a truly strong car is flexible.

It has the ability to adapt to each of its riders needs and support them with whatever it is they are dealing with. In an ideal family system, the driver role is shared by both adults. Parents work together to lay down the law and care for their children.

There is room in the car for differences of opinions, as each member is celebrated for being an individual with their own story. Emotions are the fiber of the car, they are welcomed and tended to. The car can tolerate hardship and change as it is riding on supportive ground. 

So as you think about the car you grew up in and the car you are living in now, think about how you would like to fuel your car? What are important components to your road trip? Honesty, integrity, growth… Good snacks, good tunes, and good company. 

Drive Safe! 

If you live in New York or anywhere across Long Island, and are looking for therapy…

We are here for you.

And if you’re looking for some one on one support to help you or your child in healing,

Reach out today for your FREE 15 minute consultation.

Warmly,

Xx Naami

For more information on The Family Car visit Ellen Y. Chute’s website: www.ellenychute.com, or check out her book or podcast, both titled, What Drives You?