Why You’re Not Crazy for Setting Boundaries With Your Family, and Why They’re Important

Why You’re Not Crazy for Setting Boundaries With Your Family, and Why They’re Important 

Living in close corridors 

Home is supposed to be a place where you can kick back and spend quality time with your family. This can be a positive thing. But sometimes you also want your space.

We all deserve some space.

Family can be our biggest source of support, but sometimes it can be a bit sticky.

Our family is an important factor in our mental growth. It teaches us the importance of interdependence, can make us feel safe, and is there for the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

While family may be a great source of our support, it can also come with its fair amount of challenges. Like any relationship, there are things that are going to be difficult to work through. You may even find your family to be the main source of stress at some times. 

You may be thinking “I love my family, but sometimes they make me feel crazy.”

You are allowed to feel both of these feelings, and it’s not uncommon! 

Yes our family may be our first priority, but where do you find you put yourself?

It’s hard feeling like your family always comes before you. It is extremely difficult to decide how much to give someone, especially with someone who means so much to us. It may even feel like they expect us to give more than we are capable of doing. 

This may leave you feeling like you are inadequate and incapable of helping people who mean a lot to you. But this is not a reflection of your character, this means that you have yet to find the right balance.

Setting boundaries, and why they are important.

Maybe you just want some time for self care. Maybe you struggle with saying no. Or maybe you feel like you don’t have the ability to make your own choices. You should be able to have all of these things.

“But doesn’t setting boundaries mean that you only want what’s best for you?” 

Setting boundaries does not mean that you do not care about other people, it is quite the opposite. Whether you are a mom, dad, brother, sister, grandparent, or anything in between, you deserve to have some type of autonomy from your family. 

As writer and wellness consultant Alex Elle and therapist and author Andrea Bonior wrote,

“setting boundaries for yourself is another form of taking care of the relationships closest to us. If we cannot take care of ourselves, how can we be the best version we need to be for others?”

Maintaining healthy boundaries is a healthy way to take care of yourself and others, and you deserve the right to do so. 

How to Draw Boundaries

Be clear with what you need.

Trust that you know what is best for your needs. Allowing yourself to explore what you feel and what needs to change by writing them down is a great first step. This may be difficult to navigate if you did not have the proper models, but you are your own expert. It is important to value your own self and your time. For instance you could say “I need to have at least 10 minutes in the morning to myself.”

Practice the boundary circle exercise.

For this exercise you draw a circle, inside the circle represents what you are comfortable with. Outside the borders of the circle represents what you are not comfortable with. Inside of the circle write down things you need in order to feel supported and heard by your family. 

Boundaries can adapt with you.

Boundaries are always firm, they are definitive of what you will tolerate. Boundaries help us to establish the type of respect we wish to seek from others. Since you define what your boundaries are, they can adapt as your needs change over time. They can be as minimal as “Please keep your things in your room,” or as definitive as saying, “Do not speak and make decisions for me.”

When you are making a life-changing boundary, think it through.

Sometimes we may get caught up in our thinking and act impulsively, which may jeopardize our connections with our family. Try to do some extra planning to practice what you will say when setting boundaries and keep in mind the feelings of others. 

Practice saying no.

You are not built to appease everyone, if we live our lives constantly trying to please others we deny our own happiness. 

Know your triggers.

A “trigger” is a difficult situation or event that causes us to become uncomfortable. These can be as minimal as getting frustrated when your kid leaves all of his toys on the floor, or they can be as painful as when a family member constantly reminds you of your weight you have been struggling to manage. Seek out a therapist to assist you in being able to become more aware of what your triggers are and create a list of healthy coping skills. 

Family dynamics are tough, but you deserve your own boundaries. 

Do not expect yourself to be able to draw boundaries overnight. Drawing boundaries is a skill, and it takes time and patience. 

If you want an extra hand in setting boundaries, seek a therapist who specializes in attachment, anxiety, relationship and trauma related issues.

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