Navigating Boundaries in Parenting
Parenting & Navigating Autonomy for Ourself- and Our Kiddos
Many of us are taken by surprise when we become parents and have the opportunity to see life through a very different lens. At this parenting stage we are often still in the midst of this ongoing battle toward mastering our own autonomy. And it’s likely at the same stage we are attempting to navigate many of our other adult roles (partner, parent, in-law, friend, co-worker, boss, etc).
Navigating our own sense of autonomy while our kids face their autonomy needs….
How can we possibly be the one responsible for a new tiny human who will one day have to work toward his own autonomy? How can we possibly guide him, when we ourselves still struggle? We still experience the push-pull of wanting to be taken care of and at the same time we want to show how independent and capable we are.
The best place to start looking for answers is at the beginning.
When does our “fight” for autonomy actually begin?
Is it when our parents walk us down the aisle? Is it the first time we go away to sleepover camp? Is it the first time we cross the street by ourselves as children or take our first steps as toddlers?
According to Erik Erikson, a renowned, Pulitzer Prize winning psychotherapist….
Children between the ages of 18 months to approximately 2 - 3 years old should be actively encouraged to start exploring “the world” on their own (in a safe and age appropriate way), in order to set the stage for a life of healthy and balanced autonomy.
At this stage, children need to know that they can make some “big” choices for themselves in order to begin carving out their identity and sense of self. It’s the age when we develop our own preferences (like what to wear or what to play with) and we recognize that we have our own possessions and we can make our own choices about who we share them with and when. This is the stage of life that shapes and secures our very own foundation for healthy boundaries.
I’ll explain. Does this scenario sound familiar?...
Work starts in 10 minutes, your other two kids are dressed and out the door but your two-year-old does not have his shoes on and insists that he do each stage of the process himself. You don’t have time to waste! As your child is beaming with pride about his velcro skills, you whip the shoe away and in a frustrated tone, but not in so many words, your body language expresses how unimportant their mastery is at this very moment when you have an important meeting. You whip on their shoes and carry your screaming toddler to the car, perhaps shaming them for making you late.
What to us seems like a trivial experience, to our child, when this happens cumulatively and regularly, is a front to their very sense of self. Every child will infer something different from these experiences as it’s not one-size-fits-all, but whatever they do happen to internalize, it is likely not empowerment or pride. This is just one of the many common examples that ALL of us mess up on at one time or another.
What about when your child wants to wear pajamas to school every day for a month?
What about when he doesn’t want to share his favorite toy with your new friend’s child who is crying that he wants that particular toy?
What about when he won’t eat the food you made him because the texture feels yucky (and he probably can’t even express to you what is yucky about it)? Many of us don’t take the time to think about how much influence these seemingly trivial matters can have when they start to build up inside a child’s psyche.
In later stages….
When parents begin to shift their release of control and allow the child to gain more independence, there is always an underlying fear that if they gain too much independence they might not be safe and if they are not independent enough they will be emotionally stunted. Some parents respond by pulling back on the autonomy, tightening up rules, becoming stricter and making up lots of unnecessary rules to add extra layers of padding “just in case”. Some respond by reluctantly giving more independence than they are comfortable with because they are afraid their child will rebel or will resent them.
When you show that you trust your child…
….& don’t judge or shame their mistakes (rather, redirect/ teach/guide when needed)..
You provide a delicate balance of love that provides a stabilizing force.
At ANY & EVERY stage we want to avoid instilling feelings of shame and guilt. Growth and change are inherently vulnerable and we want our children to be ok with and not afraid of this type of vulnerability. Whether it’s riding around the block with friends or, as a teen, taking the car to the mall with friends, our children need to know that you trust them, that they don’t need to fear mistakes and that you will be there if they fall. If we can’t show them age appropriate trust, they can’t demonstrate to us that they are trustworthy. And if we can’t be real with them, they eventually won’t be real with us. This showing of mutual respect goes a very long way.
It’s good to pause and self-reflect at each stage. What feels right? Am I not allowing them the autonomy they need because of my own self pride and fear of losing control?
How is this helping my child develop and how is it affecting our relationship?
As we grow older and become parents and grandparents, we will also always be a child to our parents. And the way we developed in our own early years will impact us in one way or another, for better or for worse.
So ask yourself; As a child, did you have the opportunity to develop healthy autonomy?
If you still feel that you are fighting for your own autonomy or you struggle to set boundaries in your various relationships (home, work, social etc) you are totally not alone.
Most people are surprised to find that this seemingly minor “gap” in early development has blossomed into something bigger and bolder, impacting their relationships in ways they never realized.
The same way we can learn to provide our children with these critical life skills, we can provide our own “inner children” with the strength and courage they always needed. And this healing and growth spills over into all areas of our lives.
In the therapy room, I help adults fill in those childhood “gaps” with love, kindness and compassion.
Ideally we would like to all parent our children so that they develop healthy autonomy and self confidence but most of us have little clue where to start. It would have been nice if, as a child, we ourselves beautifully soared through the developmental stage of autonomy with grace… but in our humanity and it’s very likely that we struggled too.
The good news is that we can now, at any stage of life, start to do things differently.
We can strive to give our children the autonomy they need to thrive and teach them how to make the inevitable mistakes they will face with courage and self-compassion.
And, although I hate to over-simplify a more complicated concept, the healing for us and our children really does start to happen when we, ourselves, can explore our own sense of autonomy and our relationship with boundaries.
If this is something you would like to explore, It would be my honor to help. I have a few spots left in my schedule, give the Integrative Psychotherapy office a call to make an appointment when you’re ready to dive in! Click below for your free 15 minute consult!