Holiday Boundary Setting for the Boundaryless
If we take the time to look deep into our inner world, we will likely notice a part (or inner child parts) of ourselves deeply craving connection. Healthy boundaries may not be innate for many of us. It can feel like learning a new language and requires a “felt sense.” When we approach boundary issues using somatic techniques we get to the very root of the issue, which actually works to support and strengthen cognitive based work.
Gloria’s Deep Dive Into Her Failing Boundary Attempts
“I can talk to you until I’m blue in the face, but I won’t be able to change the way I set limits. I know that I’m just not good at setting boundaries.”
Gloria is one of my colleagues and fellow therapists, and she shared these words with me me as we sip our warm candy cane lattes at Starbucks.
Gloria is stuck in this difficult dynamic with her boss (and her mother, for that matter) that keeps replaying itself again and again and again.
Her eyes carry a loose glance of confusion and frustration as she looks around the café to make sure none of her clients or co-workers are there. I can sense how heavily this is weighing on her mind and body.
It seems more pressing than usual.
Her growing task list has been piling up, and she fears she will not be able to celebrate the holiday with any sort of peace-of-mind, if at all. Over the last year, Gloria’s work demands have doubled and she has been expected to work longer hours. Some nights she finishes working with one client with just enough time to kiss her daughter good night before she has another client. And then the paperwork has to get done… Needless to say, Gloria isn’t sleeping well these days. Her marriage is pretty rocky too.
As she tells me all of her woes, I visualize a hazard sign above her head with bright lights flashing the word “Boundaries.”
Gloria is struggling to practice what she so gracefully models and supports her clients to do, in counseling. It’s so common for all of us humans to “know” what we ought to do, but to struggle in realtime. Gloria is dealing with exactly that right here.
As her shoulders slump slightly inward, she gets more animated in describing her struggle.
“Esther, I know you can’t be my therapist but you’re all into this mind-body science and I am more classically trained. I’m thinking I may need a few new tools to help me with this overwhelming time of my life. I have my own therapist obviously, but I think I might be stuck. CBT is not working for me right now because I know what I need to do, but I just can’t take those steps to change. I am afraid I am going to snap in half. My therapist feels like there is not much more she can do to help me if I am not going to help myself. She never expressly said anything, but I can just tell. Maybe we have outgrown each-other. Maybe she has taken me as far as she can take me and I need to change things up a bit.”
My friends all know that I’m a big believer in somatic work and mind-body-soul healing, especially when talk therapy or CBT is not doing the trick.
Often, it means there is an underlying issue that needs tending to. By working only with the mind to “shift the thinking” may not be enough. An integrated approach of mind + body are likely needed for shifts to take place.
I knew that Gloria’s therapist was really good at talk therapy and is great for those who need good talk therapy skills but I wonder if she is the best fit, as Gloria is seeming to want to do some “deeper” work right now. As a friend, I’ve always honored her therapy choices and her process, and don’t provide input, unless asked. Respecting autonomy and privacy is important to me, and so as a friend, I come with deep respect and trust that Gloria has exactly what she needs right now. In this conversation, I validate Gloria’s experience and offer her a little food for thought.
When Your Mind Is Out of Sync With Your Actions & Values…
Gloria knows a lot of what she “should be doing” in her mind, but she keeps getting stuck anyway. She has every intention to do things differently and be there for her family and prioritize her own needs. In her heart she values her marriage and her home life but something almost magnetic keeps pulling her toward actions that reflect work and business as her top priority.
It’s almost like there’s a breakdown in communication between what her heart knows deeply and what her body does practically.
Even when she is resolved to do things differently, in-the-moment she cannot pull herself away from her boss and her pile-up of work. Gloria is afraid that if she doesn’t get help fast, her family will fall apart. The holiday season is starting to shine a brighter light on this urgent need.
This is how I explain it to her;
Attachment Patterns and Your Ability To Set and Stick to Boundaries
THE ROOTS OF BOUNDARIES - A DEEP DIVE
If we take the time to look deep into our inner world, we will likely see that we have child parts who crave connection. Sometimes connections come to us, organically, and sometimes they comes with a cost.
Depending on our attachment patterns, and our experiences in our early relational years, and in past relationships, we develop a template for connection. As children, we might have learned that when we cry, we get a response. Or, we may have experienced neglect or been judged for having needs. As adults, we may have had relationships where we were able to feel vulnerable and share, or we were shut down and criticized.
These impact how we think we are meant to engage in the world.
These attachment pattens impact our ability to know what boundaries are, how to set them and how to confidently stick to a boundary that is being crossed. Some of us notice that, as adults, we chase connections with those who are more difficult to connect with while inadvertently ignoring and taking for granted the ones who are easily connectable. Some are good at setting solid boundaries and let go of any of the drama or shennanegins that “boundary-steppers” bring.
When self-sacrifice is truly self neglect
Now, if you are like Gloria, you may notice a struggle to set boundaries. It’s ok if you struggle. The first step is awareness, and then taking an actionable step to change. Gloria had some underlying beliefs that if she said “no”, she would be disliked or disowned. This was a deeper seated worry based in her childhood; but it was playing itself out as an adult. Saying “no” made her body feel as though she would be abandoned all over again as she was as a child.
When our body reacts to the present with feelings of fear from the past
However, though her boss would likely be upset and express disappointment, she would not be abandoned. Good therapy allows the client to see the difference between our unconscious patterns; it helps offer healing to the fears that your child parts have, and thereby allows the adult to make better, healthier choices. In this case, feeling like setting boundaries is doable, tolerable and even to be able to enjoy the benefits!
How We At Integrative Psychotherapy Offer Therapy to Help!
At our practice, our clinicians often combine parts work (AKA Inner Child Work or IFS) with a number of other creative therapies like music, art or narrative therapies to get to the historical root of a client’s boundary problems. Sometimes it’s not a story but a “felt sense” that a client might be able to access and we can work somatically to support a shift in the behaviors from that angle.
Our early attachment patterns also impact the way we relate to others in all areas of our lives. Attachment styles can evolve and we can work to relate to people differently as we grow and evolve into adulthood. I believe that identifying early attachment patterns is helpful as a springboard for our work with clients. It helps to give us a reference point from which to begin our growth and development.
As Mark Manson says;
“People lack boundaries because they have a high level of neediness (or in psych terms, codependence). People who are needy or codependent have a desperate need for love and affection from others. To receive this love and affection, they sacrifice their identity and remove their boundaries.”
There are so many different ways that we can help our clients address the dissonance between their values and actions. Balanced boundaries are one of the biggest challenges for many of our clients because it’s not a black and white thing that you can learn systematically. It requires a specialized skill.
HEALTHY & BALANCED BOUNDARIES REQUIRE A “FELT SENSE”
Healthy boundaries cannot really be taught as much as they require a learned “felt sense.”
Eugene Gendlin, the philosopher and psychologist who coined the term “felt sense” explains felt sense perfectly;
“A felt sense is not a mental experience but a physical one.
A bodily awareness of a situation or person or event.
An internal aura that encompasses everything you feel and know about the given subject at a given time—encompasses it and communicates it to you all at once rather than detail by detail...
A felt sense doesn’t come to you in the form of thoughts or words or other separate units,
but as a single bodily feeling.”
An attuned “felt sense” can speak louder and much sooner than any other alarm bells in our body if we can learn to listen closely.
This intuitive wisdom helps us know when we can push beyond our comfort zone slightly and when we have to hold on tighter to our personal space. The problem is that many of us can find that our“felt sense” gauge isn’t operating in the best way, due to negative beliefs or past experiences that leave us feeling doubtful.
Sometimes we can think that something like anxiety but it could be excitement (or visa versa). We can mix up feelings of danger with safety, and confusion with exhiliration. This is very normal and if you relate, it’s ok.
In good counseling work, we often utilize somatic work with our clients who are facing these things. And as we do the work, we begin to notice the subtle differences and slowly get a clearer sense of how to read body cues and the truth behind their sensations.
People who were born in boundaryless families tend to have a harder time learning this skill. But it’s not impossible.
Cultivating and developing a felt sense is a wonderful resource and skill. Well worth the investment.
As a fellow human devoted to tweaking my boundaries and constantly improving what boundaries look and feel like, I believe that we all can grow and learn in this area.
My personal favorite way to work with boundaries is in somatic work; using the mind and body to be a guide.
The great news is that our team of skillful clinicians offer somatic work and we’ve seen that be a solid foundational skill that support the long term success in therapy, and supports the cognitive based talk therapies as well.
And as Gloria engaged in her own somatic work, she began to feel and see a shift. It was exciting to see and I felt relief for and with her, as she finally made some shifts in the area she was struggling most.
Thankfully, Gloria got to the root of her boundary blockage and not only has her family life improved, she got a promotion. Gloria also got to see a sneak peek into the Trauma Therapist Training I have created and has used some of the somatic informed worksheets (It's such a gift when colleagues share feedback!) and it's been exciting to see her expand her "somatic horizons" for herself and for her clients!
Now turning to you, if you're looking to deepen your own mind-body connection, you can start right now!
Engaging in mindfulness activities and beginning to develop a "felt sense" can be a great start. I've got a download for you- for you to practice deepening or developing your felt sense. Click below for more!
To learn more about “Felt Sense” download our free mini e-book here.
If you’re looking to work on your boundaries, and “Cultivating a Felt Sense”, read here.
If you’re ready for one on one counseling, book your free 15 minute consult or reach out here. Our team is here to help you!
In the meantime, wherever you are, I am sending you gentle supportive wishes.
Xx
Esther and the Integrative Team