The Allure of the Emotionally Unavailable Man
This story is a composite drawn from real therapeutic themes and shared for educational purposes. No identifying information.
Marissa sat curled up on the couch, her eyes darting between the tissue in her hand and the floor.
She had that look — part embarrassment, part ache.
“He just said all the right things,” she whispered.
“And I believed him.”
She paused, her shoulders rising as she fought to hold it together.
“I’m a therapist, Esther. I should know better.”
I smiled softly.
“That’s not how trauma works.”
The Allure of The Emotionally Unavailable Man
He wasn’t movie-star handsome, but he carried that magnetic confidence — the kind that fills a room.
He was funny, charming, effortlessly attentive. He noticed details other men missed — her favorite coffee order, the way her hands moved when she was excited.
He texted first, complimented her mind, said things like, “You feel different.”
And she did — for the first time in a long while, she felt wanted, seen, alive.
But then it started.
The delayed replies.
The small inconsistencies.
The moments that felt like being pulled close, only to be pushed away.
Still, she stayed.
Because deep down, it wasn’t just him she wanted. It was relief.
Relief from that haunting, familiar ache — the fear of abandonment that lived inside her since childhood.
When Charm Meets the Wound
What I often tell clients is this:
A “smooth talker” isn’t dangerous because of his words — it’s because of the feeling he creates.
The instant chemistry, the emotional high, the intensity.
To the unhealed parts of us, that intensity feels like safety.
The body recognizes the pattern — the chase, the hope, the tension — and whispers, This must be love.
But it isn’t love. It’s repetition.
A nervous system replaying an old story, hoping for a new ending.
“We are wired to return to what is familiar, not what is healthy.” — Dr. Nicole LePera
The Moment of Collapse
As Marissa spoke, I noticed her voice get smaller.
“He said I was everything he’d ever wanted. But then he disappeared. No warning. Just silence.”
I could feel her shame filling the room — that quiet, private kind of shame that convinces you it’s your fault.
I asked gently, “What are you feeling right now, in your body?”
She placed her hand on her chest.
“Tight. Empty. Like I’m back in middle school waiting for my dad to pick me up — and realizing he forgot again.”
That’s the thing about emotional wounds: they don’t stay in the past.
They live in the present, wearing new faces.
How Healing Begins
We didn’t start with “letting him go.”
We started with helping her find herself again — in her body, in her truth.
Through somatic therapy, she learned to recognize the difference between activation and attraction.
Through attachment-based work, she began to understand why calm felt like rejection and chaos felt like love.
Through EMDR, we cleared the early imprints that taught her she had to earn connection.
“When we heal from trauma, we don’t stop longing.
We just stop abandoning ourselves to be loved.” — Gabor Maté
A Different Kind of Love
Months later, Marissa sat in the same spot, but something had changed.
Her voice was grounded. Her breath steady.
“I met someone new,” she said.
“He’s kind. But it’s… boring. I keep waiting for the spark.”
I smiled. “Maybe what you’re feeling isn’t boredom. Maybe it’s peace.”
Healing often feels quiet at first.
But that’s the magic of it — learning that safety doesn’t need to shout.
She smiled and continued on to reflect, from a more open point of view; looking at this new relationship from a new perspective. A healthy one.
—
Now, turning to you dear reader,
If you’ve ever found yourself pulled toward the emotionally unavailable man…
…the smooth talker, the one who leaves you guessing — please know this: it’s not weakness.
It’s likely a wound, longing to be met with compassion, not judgment.
Through somatic therapy, EMDR, and attachment repair, you can begin to unlearn the patterns that make love feel like survival — and find connection that feels steady, mutual, and real.
Because the truth is, you don’t need a smooth talker to feel alive.
You need safety.
You need home — inside yourself first.
Healing from attraction to the smooth talker isn’t about shame.
It’s about understanding what your body was trying to protect, and giving yourself the safety you once sought in someone else.
You can unlearn the pattern of chasing love that leaves you anxious —
and find connection that meets you with steadiness, not sparks.
Somatic Therapy in NYC to improve your relationships
At Integrative Psychotherapy, we offer, somatic therapy, EMDR and and attachment-based counseling to help improve your relationships and your life! Start today - click below.
👉 Click here to book a free 15-minute consultation or call 347-903-7835.
Were here to support you,
Xx,
Esther & Team
—————-
For Therapists and Psychologists
If you’re a therapist who holds stories like these every day — navigating the complexity of love, trauma, and transformation —
I invite you to apply for the Trauma Mastery & Consultation Program.
It’s a high-touch mentorship for seasoned clinicians wanting to deepen their confidence with attachment healing, somatic therapy, and trauma-informed presence.
Applications are by invite only.
Click here to learn more or apply for the Trauma Therapists Training Program.
.
.
P.S.Before you go, grab your free download: “Somatic Skills to Regulate Your Nervous System.”
It’s a simple, embodied guide to help you ground and stay steady — in your work, in love, and in life.