The "Safe Filter" For Healthy Relationships
The "Safe Filter"
Living with a sense of safety is a right, not a privilege.
Because memories are stored in our cells, any kind of change or turbulence can wake up those dormant memories and start to flood our systems. You do not have to be an abuse survivor or a holocaust victim to feel these traumatic memories.
As I’ve mentioned before in previous blogs, developmental or “small t trauma” can leave a strong imprint in our systems on a cellular level. Any continuous unmet primal need when growing up, even (or especially) in the early stages of development can contribute to this type of trauma.
What does it mean to feel safe?
You feel safe when you know you're cared for, that you're protected from danger and you have someone who has their eye out for you.
It is really important to be around people who offer a sense of safety and equally important to let go of (or create strong boundaries with) the ones who bring chaos, drama or danger. Some people are in relationships that are unsafe and it’s NOT OK for things to stay that way.
Knowing what is OK and what is not OK can help you set the boundaries you need to feel more secure and better your relationships. If you are currently single, you can use the following safety filter to recognize danger. If you are currently in a relationship that feels unsafe, there are organizations and therapists that can help you discern if this is a relationship worth fighting for or whether it’s time to seek cover.
Filtering "safe people" from “unsafe people” on a somatic level
When you're around someone, check in with how you're feeling;
What's the vibe you're getting from them?
Are they tuned in to you and your feelings or are they preoccupied with their own emotional needs most of the time?
Are they listening intently to what you're saying or do they zone out whenever you speak?
Are you feeling spaced out or overwhelmed when you are around them?
Do you feel a pit in your stomach when you see them approach or think about them (and not the good kind of pit)?
Do you have any other body cues that flare up? Sore neck or back? Weakness?
Do you notice any other red flags?
Any of these can indicate that change and healing is required.
Here are some characteristics and qualities to look out for when you are SAFETY FILTERING:
RED ZONE
The following “red zone” traits should make you take a big step back. If you are already in a relationship with someone who has these qualities, set up some strong boundaries and talk to them in an assertive and kind way. If you are not used to being able to set these parameters and being taken seriously, it may be challenging at first, but know it’s very appropriate to set them.
It’s OK if these boundaries upset your partner or loved one. Boundaries are actually the biggest kindness you can do for yourself and for others. If your loved one is somewhat healthy, they just might come around and start to respect you even more for this change. If you are dating and notice these red flags, you might want to reconsider staying in this type of relationship.
SETTING BOUNDARIES
If you are in a relationship with (or the child of) a Red Zoner, set your boundaries by giving consequences when they show a lack of respect and caring for you and your boundaries. State clearly what is acceptable and not acceptable in this relationship.
You can say something like “I’m sorry, when you (insert behavior) it makes me feel devalued (or another feeling[s]). This is not the type of relationship I would like to have. For the sake of building a healthy relationship, next time this happens (insert consequence).” Stick to the consequence or you won’t be taken seriously in the future and never give a consequence that is impossible to stick to.
If you are dating a Red Zoner, it may be time to hit the road. You can always revisit connecting with them when they show new behaviors down the line, but until then, move onward.
Red Zone qualities include:
Critical
If you're getting the message from this person that nothing anyone ever does is good enough, that their life is always disappointing them and others are never living up to their expectations, cut it off before becoming their next complaint. These individuals often are unhappy, unfulfilled once you set your boundaries they will find the next person to blame for their misery. You don't need to be that person.
Flakey
We all know those people who make plans but never, ever, ever pull through. After a certain point in time it becomes exhausting. They're usually all over the place in their lives and can't keep things together, let alone their timing and their commitments to you. Don't waste your precious energy waiting for them to remember your event, your coffee date or the favor they promised they'd pull though on.
Obsessors
These people hold onto grudges for a long time, obsess over every incident and can't seem to find a way to move on, be it from something years ago or something someone may have said to them 5 minutes ago. Being around this person ends up feeling like a drag, and you'll often feel like your energy has been sucked dry. If they get a feeling that you're letting them down, you may start feeling anxious and guilt ridden, although there may not be anything you've done wrong.
Defensive and Dishonest
If you gently suggest feedback on something that has been said or that happened, they quickly get defensive. You'll get the feeling that something might be off or feels fishy when you ask some more personal questions. They may be hiding a part of themselves or say "half lies" about who they are or what they're up to. Trust the gut feeling that may be letting you know their honesty or self-awareness isn't sitting right with you.
GREEN ZONE
The following “green zone” traits are something to strive for within yourself and qualities that set up relationships for success.
Humility
These individuals often have a strong sense of self, yet don't need to prove it to the world. They are humble, gentle and interact with others from a place of mutual respect. It feels enjoyable to have them in your presence as they value you, appreciate your input and can engage in balanced back and forth conversation.
Consistency
These are people who start something and stick with it. They usually have solid relationships with themselves, feel comfortable in their own skin and feel safe getting close to others. They won't leave you hanging or abandon you in the cold. They are committed, interested in relationships that have depth and can engage in a real life kind of way. They aren't looking for shallow relationships and strive to stay away from perfectionistic thinking.
Compassion
They have room for forgiveness, understanding and authentic connections with others. They can see who you are, what you may be worried about, and lean in to getting to know you as a person.
Responsibility
You'll know this person is responsible by the way they care for themselves and how they manage their lives. They take good care of their living environment, their daily responsibilities and goals at work and in their personal life. They think ahead, making choices wisely and follow through on their word.
Growth Oriented
They take accountability for their actions and do their best to correct things when they're in the wrong. They are open to trying and learning new things. They are not afraid of a healthy and respectful disagreement. You'll find yourself feeling grounded and steady around people like this as their energy is consistent, calm and reassuring.
YOU IN THE ZONE
While we are often looking to find the perfect fit and to be in a relationship with someone healthy, it’s also important to see yourself within each zone. Be in touch with your true self and strive to correct your own red zone traits as much as you expect that from your loved ones.
Often loved ones will mirror us and when we show improvement it sets the tone.
If you are single right now, look for green zone qualities in your prospective partner and take the red flags seriously.
It isn’t wise to get into a relationship hoping that someone will change. Once you are in a relationship, it’s a different story - as you have some investment already and will want to be mindful about how you navigate relationship dynamics.
If you are not feeling secure with your partner right now, please reach out for help. And if you are not safe, remember there are organizations and therapists that can help you remove yourself from the situation in a safe way. Reach out!
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