The Magnetic Push & Pull | Relationship Therapy New York
“I don’t want to mess this one up,” Sarah whispered.
She was on the edge of tears.
Brad was different.
He was kind, consistent, and made her feel safe. But something inside her was pulling back — again.
It didn’t make sense.
She liked him. A lot.
And yet… she found herself withdrawing, replaying old doubts, questioning everything.
Was it real?
Was it safe?
Was it too good to be true?
This moment wasn’t new for Sarah — or for so many of us who've loved with both hope and fear.
When Love Feels Like a Rollercoaster
Many people come into therapy saying:
"Why do I feel so drawn to someone, and then suddenly want to run?"
This is what we call the push-pull dynamic — a pattern where you're pulled toward love and intimacy, but push it away the moment it starts to feel too close, too real, or too vulnerable.
A New Yorker In Love | A Cocktail of Chaos
It can feel like emotional whiplash:
Wanting connection, but fearing what comes with it.
Craving closeness, then needing space.
Feeling safe — then suddenly unsafe, with no clear reason why.
Sound familiar?
You’re not alone — and you’re not broken.
You may just be following an old relational blueprint that once kept you safe, but now keeps you stuck.
Let me introduce you to Sarah’s story.
Sarah’s Early Template: Love Wasn’t Always Safe
Sarah grew up in a chaotic Long Island home.
Her mother struggled with untreated depression. Some days, she was warm and affectionate; other days, unreachable.
Her father — loving in many ways — had a rage that could ignite without warning. One night, he'd tuck her in and kiss her forehead. The next, he’d yell and threaten to throw her out of the house if she cried.
Sarah learned quickly:
“Don’t rock the boat. Smile. Be good. Stay safe.”
And most importantly: keep your needs to yourself.
That’s the template she carried into adulthood — a nervous system trained to survive, not connect.
The Science Behind the Pattern
Psychologically, Sarah developed what’s known as an insecure attachment style — rooted in early, inconsistent caregiving.
This creates a kind of emotional tug-of-war:
On one hand, your brain craves intimacy (we're wired for connection).
On the other, it scans for danger, bracing for abandonment, rejection, or chaos.
So when someone kind shows up?
Your system doesn’t quite know what to do with that.
Dave: The Familiar Kind of Love
Before Brad, there was Dave.
Dave was charismatic and exciting. He showered Sarah with affection — until she needed emotional support. Then he would pull away, go quiet, or act annoyed.
“It felt like he could love me… as long as I didn’t get too real,” she once said.
Sarah found herself constantly scanning for signs of withdrawal, adjusting her behavior to stay in his good graces — just like she had with her dad.
There were moments of warmth, but they came with anxiety, confusion, and fear.
It was love, yes — but love that hurt.
After the breakup, she felt both relieved and devastated.
“Why do I feel better without him… when I also miss him?”
Because part of her was no longer in survival mode.
The chaos was gone.
But so was the comfort she had learned to associate with love.
New York Dating Games No More.
Brad: Something New, Something Scary
Then came Brad.
He was different.
He didn’t come on strong. He didn’t disappear when she opened up.
He showed up — with calm consistency.
And slowly, Sarah felt at ease.
But also… suspicious. Anxious. Disconnected.
“I don’t know why, but sometimes I just want to pull away,” she admitted.
Her body remembered what love had felt like before — unpredictable, intense, volatile.
Brad's calm was unfamiliar. Safe love felt foreign.
Therapy Wisdom for New Yorkers | “Don’t Let Me Mess This One Up”
This is what led us to our conversation in our Tuesday therapy session where Sarah looked at me asking me to help her “not mess this one up”.
—
Breaking the Push-Pull Pattern
We worked to help Sarah notice when her past was speaking louder than her present.
She wasn’t just reacting to Brad — she was reacting to old fear wired into her nervous system.
Her push-pull wasn’t about him. It was about her procedural memory — the unconscious, embodied patterns we learn early on.
She had learned to protect herself by pulling away, shutting down, disappearing.
And now, we were helping her learn something new.
What Is Procedural Learning — and Why It Matters
Sarah wasn’t consciously choosing to push Brad away.
She was responding from what therapists call procedural learning — the deeply wired, automatic behaviors we repeat even when they hurt us.
Think of it like emotional muscle memory.
Just like riding a bike, her nervous system had memorized how to “ride out” closeness by disconnecting.
These patterns helped her survive as a child — but now, they were getting in the way of true intimacy.
In therapy, we help clients:
Bring these unconscious patterns into awareness
Gently rewire emotional and nervous system responses
Build new relational habits rooted in safety, not fear
And this work is both cognitive and somatic — it happens in the mind and body.
Somatic Therapy to Develop New Neural Networks | Lessening the Push-Pull
The goal of creating new neural pathways is for the client to not just “know” which behavior or thought process is more productive to engage in, but also to carve out a network in the brain so that this becomes learned, encoded behavior.
In attachment focused therapy, EMDR Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and Somatic Therapy, Sarah was able to make progress in her relationship dynamic.
Relationship Therapy in Long Island
It was not all sunshine and roses. There were tears, lots of facing fears, and challenging beliefs. But Sarah was persistent to engage in this healthier relationship and, more than that, to do the work to develop a more wholesome, secure relational template.
Brad inspired her by his meaningful input and his commitment to their relationship, but it was Sarah who made a commitment to herself to show up for her own self.
Emotional healing is the gift that keeps on giving.
Now, back to you, dear reader…
If you are in a relationship, or are single or are simply looking to undo some of your Push-Pull dynamics you may be in; Or, if you are seeking to develop more meaningful, fulfilling relationships, it may be helpful to take some time to reflect on your relational template.
Ready to improve your quality of life? Solidify your relational patterns.
Figuring out your attachment and relational blueprint can help you feel more steady in your current relationships - and we know that there is a direct link between steady relationships and better quality of life.
Therapy in Long Island and New York
If you’re seeking more personalized one- on-one work, we’ve got relationship experts in our New York and Long Island offices.
Click below to book your FREE 15 minute consultation.
And for all of you working on bringing more love into your life right now, we are here supporting you and your growth.
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Until next time,
Esther & The Integrative Team
PS:Are you a therapist wanting to deepen your ability to help clients with these kinds of attachment and procedural patterns?
We cover topics like somatic themes, procedural responses, and advanced healing techniques in our Trauma Mastery Program — a powerful clinical training for professionals.