The Magnetic Push & Pull | Relationship Therapy New York

The Magnetic Push & Pull | Understanding Your Relational Template

If you live in New York or anywhere in Long Island and you’re seeking love, are in a love relationship or are wanting to feel more secure in your relationships, listen in. We all have different ways we relate to others - it’s just how we are wired. Sometimes, our wiring can feel confusing to understand, or may even come in the way of us having meaningful, nourishing relationships.

The first step? Become educated about your relationship style and then do the work to make shifts. In this blog we talk about the concept of Attraction and Repulsion. Where there are some people we are attracted to and others, repelled by. And sometimes, we are both attracted and repulsed by the same person. If this is you, you may be trying to decipher this like a confusing code. I’m here to help you break it down with a practical lens, rooted in attachment theory and real-life experiences.

Early Wiring | How Earlier Connections Impact our Current Love Life

Our early experiences with caregivers, and early relationships, lay the groundwork for how we connect with others later in life. In a nutshell, when we develop secure attachment, we have a template that is rooted in trust and security - which leads us to healthy relationships and an overall feeling of trust. And when we have unreliable, confusing or intermittent early relationships, we develop insecure attachment.

This insecure template often stirs up anxiety and/or avoidance in future relationships. Neuroscience tells us our brains are wired for connection, which they are. And at the same time, they are also on the lookout for potential threats so that we do our best to keep ourselves as safe as possible, especially in relationships.

This is where attraction and repulsion comes in.

In a relationship that is unhealthy, or lacks safety, you’ll often see one partner being attracted to, and seeking comfort in their partner (the pull), and at the same time, repulsed by (the push) - or uncomfortable with - unsafe parts of them. You may also see this pattern of push/pull in someone who has a trauma history, or a history of emotional neglect, where their relational template is one where they learned to engage in push/pull to survive the nature of the relationships.

A New Yorker In Love | A Cocktail of Chaos

Let me give you an example of someone who embodied the attraction- repulsion, push and pull dynamic.

Meet Sarah; a New Yorker seeking a meaningful relationship. Growing up in a chaotic home environment, Sarah developed creative way to cope. She learned to be hyper aware of those around her and acclimate based on their needs; this meant tucking her needs deep within her heart. Now, an adult, in our therapy sessions, our therapeutic work is helping her learn how to feel her core emotions, and, ways to regulate them. And in particular, focusing on helping her to learn how to listen to and share her emotions in her current relationship; all of which is new territory for her. Feeling her feelings is the first step, and what’s even more foreign, is being comfortable enough to express them while feeling safe.

Sarah’s Upbringing | How Her Relational Template Was Created

Her mother, battling untreated clinical depression, would be loving and attentive at times, and at other times, disconnected and irritable. As well, her dad, though the family breadwinner and the one who would take her shopping for the latest dolls in the gift shops, would have anger outbursts at any given time. Though dad had a big heart, his difficulty with his rage would leave little Sarah feeling terrified and alone. When she would ask Daddy for a bedtime story (when mom was in a depressive episode), he would often get angry and tell her to stop bothering him. Sometimes, his rage fits were intense that the would threaten her saying that if she didn’t go to sleep, she’d keep him up all night, and then he’d have to throw her out of the house.

Daddy was loving and kind , but he was also very scary.

His calm demeanor often returned in the morning, and Sarah had a “daddy” again. But the sudden shifts in dad’s moods left Sarah feeling torn- between his affectionate care - where he would bond with her, to his raging comments where he would threaten her basic shelter.

Young Sarah, a smart girl, learned to tip toe around daddy.

Asking only for what was needed, and pasting a smile on her face at all times - even when she was sad, mad or scared. She didn’t want to upset daddy, and she also needed his love, comfort and basic safety he provided.

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Adult Sarah was drawn to kind, yet cold, relationships.

As an adult, Sarah would often find herself in relationships with people who were kind and nice. Generous and giving. And also, often had a flavor of coldness. Of withholding. Of sometimes leaving her frightened. One was her boss, one a close friend, and one a recent romantic partner.

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Sarah landed up in therapy after reading a book about relationships and attachment dynamics. After a string of breakups that left her feeing both relieved and sad, she decided to seek help.

“Why did I feel relief after each break up— when I also had parts of them that I adored and found comfort in?”

In this question, lies the answer. Sarah was relieved at the end of each of those relationships, as there were concerning aspects of each of the past exes. Though there were comforting aspects, there wasn’t a feeling of full trust. She was embodying the push and pull of being both attracted and repulsed by (parts) of her past boyfriends.

A few months into our work together, Sarah shared about a new relationship she was exploring.

“I don’t want to mess this one up” she said to me as she sat down for her session, on a bright Tuesday morning.

“Tell me more”, I asked her.

I wanted to help her not just be in a relationship, but track for safety and be able to develop a more wholesome relational template.

Brad was a new guy in her life. She met him at a party on Long Island - a couple of weeks back - where one of her friends from college hosted a birthday party. At first, she didn’t take much interest in Brad. He didn’t stand out like the loud guy, the charming guy or the one who pulled her in with intoxicating energy. Rather, he seemed more subtle in his energy. Their relationship developed slowly, over time. He was consistent. Communicative and caring. For the last little while, Sarah had shared how at ease she felt with him. She felt peaceful. But she also sometimes wondered if this was “it”, or if there was more that was beneath the surface.

New York Dating Games No More.

Dave VS Brad.

Let me give you some history so you can understand Sarah’s recent dating history. And where her question was coming form.

Dave was the guy Sarah had dated right before Brad. Dave was loving, affectionate and professed his love to Sarah - in gifts, in words and glorious weekend getaways. But when Sarah needed him to be by her side when she needed to share her sadness about her relationship with her mom, or her disappointment about her work project, he would suddenly be “busy” and not able to sit with her. And as she described it, it seemed he would almost get irritated with her for needing his emotional support. Sarah would come in feeling perplexed- on the one hand, he would take care of her well, physically. But then emotionally, when she had needs, he would get irritated and act emotionally withholding. Sarah would seem happy but also on edge- constantly assessing Dave’s mood.

Dave- “The New York Dude” - A roller coaster ride that left her with high highs and low lows

The relationship with Dave left Sarah with an anxious emotional template where she craved closeness but was also chronically worried about being left high and dry. Her energy was a mix of a messy dance of attraction and repulsion- push and pull.

In our work together, we noticed the similarity between Dave and her relational template with her dad. She was able to end the relationship with Dave and do some really great healing work. It was hard but the security she felt in her body, being out of that push-pull dynamic was obvious by her newfound calm demeanor.

Now, Brad was the new guy on the horizon. I hadn’t heard much about him in our therapy hour. Things seemed to be progressing slowly. And steadily. Which was new for Sarah, but it seemed healthy to me.

Brad | Challenging her to Grow

Things started to change when her relationship with Brad started to get serious. Brad was a kind hearted guy who she had felt comfortable, from the get-go. But as things got serious with Brad, Sarah would get close, share and be vulnerable, and then pull away- puling in her heart and emotionally guarding herself up.

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Therapy Wisdom for New Yorkers | “Don’t Let Me Mess This One Up”

This is what led us to our conversation in our Tuesday therapy session where Sarah looked at me asking me to help her “not mess this one up”.

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Brad adored Sarah. He loved her quirky personality, the way she hummed in the kitchen as she made his favorite pot-pie, and how loving she was with him after a long day of work. She brought sunshine into his life and he appreciated that about her.

Brad was seeking to develop a secure relationship with Sarah.

She needed to un-learn her Push-Pull Behavior.

At the same time, he recently shared with her that he had started feeing drained by the emotional roller coaster Sarah would take him on. When her fearful, and anxious part would pop up, and she’d ‘hide', and emotionally pull away from Brad. And not just for half an hour, but, at times, for days. It would take her a long time to get back to an equilibrium and connect with him.

It left him feeling confused and unsteady in the relationship. Being a good communicator, he shared his experience with Sarah, and she assured him she’d bring this up in therapy. And I was so glad she did. Though we had only been working together for a few short months, I had seen progress in her work and in the changes in her life. Even bringing someone like Brad into her life was a sign of health. I was excited to do the work with her - we would help her not just understand her attachment style, but help her heal her unconscious reactions- and essentially, lessen the push-pull she engaged in when she felt scared. But rather, help her orient to the healthier relational dynamic, and to stay present to be able to take in the safety that was in the relationship.

In order to do this, we also needed to help little Sarah learn to trust adult Sarah, and see that she would be ok. Relational work is not about our partners, its about our internal template. Good therapy helps to solidify a secure template, and good relationships help to create reparative experiences as well.

Do note: the work is all internal, so that, should you do this work and should a relationship you’re in not work out, you will still have that inner security you worked on developing.

Procedural Behavior | Procedural Memory and ways to shift the patterning.

She would pull for connection, and then push him away. This was the survival behavior that helped her when she was a child, and then reinforced in her past relationship. However, she was ready to do the work to make a change. Procedural behavior refers to behaviors that we learn that become ingrained, almost second nature to us that we don’t even realize when we are engaging in the behaviors or patterns. The first way we begin to make a shift is to bring the unconscious to conscious awareness. Then, we engage in shifting both the cognitive beliefs - mentally, as well as somatic behaviors so we help the mind and body develop new neural pathways in the brain.

Somatic Therapy to Develop New Neural Networks | Lessening the Push-Pull

The goal of creating new neural pathways is for the client to not just “know” which behavior or thought process is more productive to engage in, but also to carve out a network in the brain so that this becomes learned, encoded behavior. Change and shifts are entirely possible. Yes, even those such as engaging in the push- pull, which is Sarah’s case was, the pulling away and disconnecting when feeling fearful. In our attachment oriented therapy, and combining EMDR Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and Somatic Therapy, Sarah was able to make progress in her relationship dynamic.

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Relationship Therapy in Long Island

It was not all sunshine and roses. There were tears, lots of facing fears, and challenging beliefs. But Sarah was persistent to engage in this healthier relationship and, more than that, to do the work to develop a more wholesome, secure relational template. Brad inspired her by his meaningful input and his commitment to their relationship, but essentially it was Sarah who made a commitment to herself to show up for her own self. And, the ripple effects of her doing the work impacted not just her relationship, but her friendships and the overall experience she was having of herself, in her own mind and body. Solidifying our relational template impacts all aspects of ourselves.

Emotional healing is the gift that keeps on giving.

Now, back to you, dear reader…

If you are in a relationship, or are single or are simply looking to undo some of your Push-Pull dynamics you may be in; Or, if you are seeking to develop more meaningful, fulfilling relationships, it may be helpful to take some time to reflect on your relational template.

Ready to improve your quality of life? Solidify your relational patterns.

Figuring out your attachment and relational blueprint can help you feel more steady in your current relationships - and we know that there is a direct link between steady relationships and better quality of life. Take some time to reflect on this blog. If there’s something that resonates, jot it down and share it with a mentor, loved one or reflect on it in your journal.

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And for all of you working on bringing more love into your life right now, we are here supporting you and your growth.

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Until next time,

Esther & The Integrative Team