When Escaping The Pain Only Goes So Far
Healing Anxiety, Alcohol Use and Grief with Psychotherapy
a story about pain, coping, and the different parts of ourselves that try to help.
“Hey Bernie, can you pass me the bottle of red wine”
“Which one Jake?” Bernie asks.
“I’ll take the merlot.” Jake replies
———
Bernie looks at Jake and stares, trying to make eye contact.
“Jake, look at me”, he yells across the room.
Jake looks up. “No man, it's ok, I like merlot more than I like chardonnay. It’s okay. And can you chill, Bernie?”
Bernie walks right towards Jake. Looks him in the eye. And says..
“No, man it's not about your darn taste in wine, it's about YOU”
Bernie goes on….with his voice raised…
“You just finished the bottle on your right- see it's empty. Why are you reaching for another bottle? You're not ok man, what’s up?”
Jake looks startled. And with a tinge of defensiveness blurts back “ Stop bro, I'm ok , please.”
Bernie backs down. He look at his friend Jake with sadness, and with apparent worry streaked across his face.
“You know what Jake, it's ok, you can have more wine, but can you come on the front porch with me please? I want to chat with you, it’s been a while.”
Ok sure.
Bernie heads to the trusty old swing that came with the house him and his wife had bought 3 years ago.
Ah, this is really great Bernie, thanks for the idea. And the fresh air is amazing”, says Jake
Yes, it really is, isn't it? Bernie replies.
It's so noisy in there, I know it's our weekly weekend dinner time with our friends, but tonight it sounds extra noisy. And I want to check in on you.
“How are you Jake?”
I’m aight Bernie, I really am, you know.
No, my friend, I don’t know if you’re ok. Honestly, if I was in your shoes, I would be the farthest thing from ok right now.
You lost Amanda 5 months ago. And she was ill for a whole year before that. So if I was you, I’d be sitting at home alone, crying into a bowl of soup, trying to soothe my aching soul.
——
Oh Bernie. Why did you need to mention Amanda? I told you I'm fine.
Okay Jake, you're fine. But can I ask you why you're reaching for more alcohol?
What were you feeling in here before you reached for the bottle? Bernie asks as he beats on his chest -hitting his heart area.
Oh you mean my heart? Jake asks.
My heart is numb. I feel nothing.
“Jake, come here bro, can I give you a hug?”
“Can I give your numb heart a hug?” Bernie continues, being pushy now.
Jake rolls his eyes, feeling defensive, but a part of him is desperately hungry for some form of physical contact and for some love, so he leans in for the hug.
Bernie leans in closer and gives his best buddy a closer squeeze.
“I love you man, I love you man, I know its hard, I know its hard”
Bernie's stays close and holds his friend tightly. Bernie knows how much pain Jake must be in, and instead of shaming him for his alcohol use, he wants to surround him with love, at least as much as he can, in this very moment.
——-
Jake, please, let me be a friend to you.
“It's ok to feel. I know it hurts. More than a freaking $%^& but please, let yourself feel.”
Jake lets his shoulders soften and his body takes form to the shape of Bernies strong, square football shoulders. Jake suddenly feels small in his friend's strong arms.
Bernie knows that Jake is in Pain | He’s no newcomer to pain and loss, himself.
Bernie knows death more than he’s ever admitted in the past. His dad died when he (Bernie) was 10, but for years before that, his dad was in and out of his life because he was struggling with mental health issues, so Bernie knows loss all too well.
And that's why he knew that Jake wasn’t ok, even though Jake's fake pasted smile fooled all the others in their friend group.
Pain is pain is pain is pain.
And once you feel the sting of loss, the immeasurable suffering of something being snatched from you prematurely, that sixth sense never goes away. And Bernie knew that feeling all too well.
Bernie looks at his friend and then comes up with a game plan to help him.
“Listen Jake, you’re moving into my house. Starting this evening… And you’re taking my guest room. Stay until the numbness subsides.”
Jake would put up a fight but his tired soul is exhausted and the level of alcohol in his body isn't helping. And truth be told, being with a family that is doing the “normal” things of life would probably be a good thing.
___________________________________________
Emotional Hangovers and Healing
The next morning Jake wakes up hungover, but not just from alcohol, but from his emotions that had begun to creep up into his conscious awareness.
Bernie was smarter than he had let himself know, and truth be told, he missed the smell of Amanda, the smile on her hair tousled face and her giggle, as she pranced around the house rushing out to her busy morning routine and out to her designing job.
Jake placed his hand on his heart as he felt the pounding get louder.
The thoughts in Jake’s head and heart are loud….
Thump thump thump
Damn this heart hurts
It hurts more than I'd like to admit it
“What did Bernie do to me?”
He looks in the mirror and asks that question, out loud.
Ah Bernie did nothing to you, man he's just being a good friend.
Amanda died and you’ve been numbing out the pain.
It's time to feel it so you can heal it
I hate feeling
I hate feeling
It's scary
It feels powerless
It’s frightening
It's unknown
It makes me face demons I’ve been running away from
I miss Amanda
it hurts so bad
But
I guess it's time now. To heal.
Jake sits down on the bathroom floor and the tears begin.
Ah thank god Bernie loves me more than I know it
My heart hurts so bad, that if i was home alone, I’d probably be afraid that I’d pass out from the intensity
But hearing Bernie and his wife clutter and clatter with their morning pancakes, waffles and coffee makes me feel comforted. I’m glad I’m here.
The ache of missing Amanda yanks at Jake’s heart
Damn
The isn't going away
No distraction
I just need to feel
This ripping sensation of loss
Of hurt
Of devastation
Damn, I’ve been denying the reality
And now, It’s time to start feeling.
Amanda isn’t coming back.
But I’m here and I need to find a way to live.
I’ve got life to live. for me. for her.
I need to.
Jake, numbing and unresolved grief.
Do you relate to wanting to avoid pain like the plague?
In reading about Jake, you may already sense that he’s grieving. He is active, chronic grief. Unprocessed grief.
And with that, the intense emotions associated with grief. With grief, there’s often strong pull to avoid the process of grief because it comes with a lot of pain…and most of us want to avoid pain at all costs.
Avoidance is normal. But facing the pain provides real relief. Yes, it does.
At the same time, when we engage in the processing of grief we experience profound relief.
Parts work, Alcohol Use and Grief
His drinking alcohol was a protective agent (or “firefighter” if you’re familiar with parts work) that was being used to help keep him numbing the intense sensations that lie right beneath the surface.
Some ways protective parts protect…
Protective parts may be parts that binge watch tv instead of facing the loneliness as you hit your face on the pillow. Numbing out with tv can be soothing if the ache of tending to your broken heart of your recent break up is too much to feel.
Protectors can help you chronically avoid intimacy because you’re afraid of being rejected. You may do this by “suddenly” getting really busy or disinterested in a relationship as soon as things get more serious.
You may bring your “humor” out and crack jokes when the moment becomes more personal, as to evade deeper connection.
You may be overworking because productivity feels like you may be worthy of love if you “produce”.
Protection can be underperforming so you don’t need to face the fear of trying to succeed and failing, so you just underperform.
Protection can be chronically socially isolating out of fear of being unliked, or feeling uncomfortable.
Numbing can be using food or sex or drugs or traveling to escape emotions. This can be emotions related to your reality or past emotions or memories.
——-
Jake’s protective part was connected to his grief.
Jake has been stuck in denial phase of grief…and his protective part has been trying to protect him from actually feeling the gruesome experience of loss he’s enduring.
Jake has been in denial for the past few months, and even before then, he was in denial that his wife was sick and he was losing her. When she was still alive Amanda kept saying “let's plan for after, how you will live your life ” but he refused. He flirted with the idea of rage, bargaining, depression (the other phases of grief)…but has quickly circled back to denial because the pain of the reality had been too hard.
But with a good friend, it seems he slowly is starting to melt those frozen walls of denial and is peering his head into the new territories of the next phase of grief healing…
He needed to be surrounded by a friend who supported him and was a steady anchor in order to really tap into the pain.
In order to tap into the underlying emotions, we need support.
If you notice yourself behaving in any way similar to Jake, you’re human. Numbing behaviors come because we feel scared. Unsupported. Uncomfortable.
As yourself this:
What do you need in order to begin feeling?
First, if you find you’re stuck in protective behaviors, let’s first understand the protective parts- the parts that numb or distract. Protectors or Firefighter parts are parts of self that come to help.
If you’re numbing or avoiding, it’s likely because part of you is afraid or scared- and those feelings need to be reassured that…
though it’s scary to feel, it’s not dangerous to feel.
Feeling is part of healing and is a step towards healing. Now, we want to help you choose a way to feel relief that is not just good for the short term, but also good for you in the long run.
Now, let’s circle back to the question:
What do you need in order to feel?
Maybe, just like Jake, you need a close buddy, a mentor or a therapist to be by your side so you can feel the pain, and maybe it's too much to handle alone.
Or maybe you need to know that it’s ok to sometimes feel pain and use distractions. But, we want to help you choose distractions that arent too harmful. For example, an hour of watching a movie each night is ok, compared to watching 4 hours of TV and cutting into your sleep routine.
Pain is hard to be with.
It can feel all consuming and we don’t expect you to just dive into painful feelings.
You can’t dive into a pool before you’ve got swimming skills, or at least a floatie! You may need to learn some coping skills before letting go of the coping skills you’ve got. You may need to change some behaviors, slowly, so that you can feel more capable of feeling your feelings without getting flooded, overly upset or dissociated. You know yourself best. Your job is to be able to identify one small step towards healing. Just one step.
Healing is possible. It starts with one step.
First, let’s get your floatie on.
If you’re not sure where to start, I invite you to download some of our FREE downloads. We’ve got meditations, a parts mapping exercise and more. We’ve also got a YouTube channel with some content for you to listen to, to support you. I am hopeful some of this can help.
Now, if you notice some unhealthy coping patterns or habits in your life, don’t fret. Awareness is the first step to making a change. You’re here reading about how to help yourself.
Start Here | Hold your heart
If you notice you’re avoiding or numbing out, I encourage you to lift your right hand, and take your right palm and place it on your heart. You can do this alone or with a loved one.
Whatever your heart is holding, just give it a few minutes of love and attention. If there are some words, check in on what the words are that are on your heart. Or feelings. Or thoughts. Or sensations.
Let the warmth of your hand send it some love.
If that’s hard, imagine these words sending care across the screen to your heart <3
If you’re looking to undo some of your coping or let go of some of your numbing or avoidance behaviors, I encourage you to find support. Call friends to be by your side. Healing happens in connection with others. It’s ok to ask for help.
And if you don’t have that, or if you’re needing more, we are here for you.
If you’re looking for more support, and would like to do some PARTS work with a trained therapist, we are here for you. At Integrative Psychotherapy, we have a team of therapists who are trained in science based methods, and creative modalities, to help you process through pain and help you be more present in life.
And yes, that means working with and through protective parts. And helping you learn to be present with life.
Counseling in New York or across Long Island.
Book your FREE 15 minute consult so we can help you experience moving through the pain and find yourself again.
With love,
Xx Esther and the Integrative Team