When the Grief You’re Carrying is Not Your Own
Epigenetics, Family Constellations & Inherited Family Trauma
Grief can show up in our lives for many reasons. There is, of course, the searing grief that is born by the loss of a loved one. Or the throbbing ache of love lost or opportunities missed.
Sometimes, though, we may notice grief whose origin and date of arrival we can’t quite pinpoint. This may show up as a vague dissatisfaction that pervades our day-to-day life. Perhaps it’s an ever-present, unshakable sadness despite a life replete with blessings and objective goodness. These experiences may very well be the result of forgotten or unresolved trauma. Other times, though, the grief we experience may have nothing to do with us at all.
Scientific research, and particularly, the field of epigenetics, has known for a while now that traumatic memories can be passed down from generation to generation through altered gene expression.
Family constellations therapy is a beautiful healing modality that can help uncover these sorts of traumas - the ones that have been carried down intergenerationally, an unbroken link in a painful chain, inherited by a later descendant. This modality, established by Bert Hellinger, helps us uncover “entanglements” or “invisible loyalties” that may exist in family systems as a result of unacknowledged trauma or loss.
Invisible Loyalties and Legacy Burdens
When a loss occurs that is swept under the rug or not properly addressed, it will spiral down the generations until a family member takes on the giant task of working through this unprocessed pain in an attempt to restore balance to the family system. As inherited family trauma expert Mark Wolynn puts it, “When entangled, you unconsciously carry the feelings, symptoms, behaviors, or hardships of an earlier member of your family system as if these were your own.”
Say for example a woman miscarries her first pregnancy. Out of deep pain and a desire to move on, the mother (or both parents) decides to never speak of and think of their lost baby again. It is possible that a subsequent child may unknowingly identify with the lost baby. This may manifest as feeling guilt for being alive or an unexplained feeling of incompleteness.
From a family constellation’s perspective, it is crucial that every member be given their rightful place in a family system. When someone is denied their place, the inherent family “order” is compromised and will seek to restore it’s order. This can lead to a family member from a future generation stepping forward to restore this order, without even being aware of doing so! Poignantly, this is referred to as “blind love.”
The healing happens when a light is shone on this entanglement and the forgotten family member is given back his or her rightful place in the family system.
We recently finished a period in the Jewish calendar commonly referred to as “The Three Weeks”, a designated period of mourning several losses throughout history, which nudges us to turn our attention to our shared, communal grief. The grief of estrangement - from our cherished holy temples and more importantly, from each other.
Similarly, many other faiths and nations have a sense of pride and familial connection, and designated times to honor and mourn like this. Our collective experiences make us one extended family. It is common that each group engage in the process of acknowledging what they have lost and take part in the process of rebuilding.
It’s worth keeping the above in mind as we gratefully acclimate to a life that (somewhat) resembles that of pre-pandemic days. As we move into a phase of rebuilding, it is critical for our collective wellbeing that we honor and remember the many who were lost.
Focusing Forward: Energy that Refreshes and Invigorates.
I hope you take some time to tune inwards and honor your own process in life, and notice what you may be carrying that is yours, and what may belong to someone else, or is carried for another member in the family. Whatever is yours, you get to hold, process, feel and resolve. And whatever isn’t, allow it to be released.
You and your energy are sacred, and are here for you to build a life that is nourishing for you and those you love. Life shifting post pandemic is an opportunity to clear out whatever is weighing you down, and reenergize as you focus ahead.
Sending care your way,
Sara Chana
To learn more about Sara Chana Segal or to book an appointment with her, click here.