6 Ways to Rise Up When You Feel Ready to Rebuild

EMBRACING RENEWAL AS A PART OF THE GRIEF PROCESS

No matter what you have been going through or what type of grief you have been facing, at a certain point, the heavy clouds will begin to thin out and some blue skies and sunlight will start to peek through.

You might not feel ready to embrace the warmth and the light just yet, but one day, I believe you will smile again.

No matter how scorched your world has become, there is always the potential for new growth, sprouting just beneath the surface. Eventually the green bud of renewal will poke up from the earth, with the promise of growth and hope. When you are ready, I am here, with open arms and big hugs.

It won’t be an easy journey, but it will be all yours - and therefore uniquely precious.

1. Find Joy in Stability

Many people think that joy is some sort of acquisition like money that you can earn or collect. But I believe that true joy requires a mindset shift toward being process based. When we can build a steady and solid foundation of internal resources, protective factors and healthy daily routines, we will be more likely not to get knocked down each time we experience change or disappointment in life. Like a tree with thick roots planted firmly in the ground, when we can withstand the winds of change without becoming uprooted, there is no greater joy. In trauma therapy, the first phase of treatment is called “safety and stabilization”.

Why? Stability invites ease, creating greater space for growth and connection. Commit to daily routines, schedules and activities that promote ongoing health and wellness.

2. Redefine What it Means to Have a “Good Life”

The hit TV series “The Good Place” really drives this point home. If you haven’t watched it, each season reveals a new layer about what living a “good life” actually means, and the audience ebbs and flows along with the philosophical debates the characters are deeply involved in. The bottom line is, what we think is a good life, might be totally different than what it is truly meant to be.

Obviously we need some level of expectations, of ourselves and of the people around us, but perhaps it is helpful to reevaluate our life and goals based on our values - what REALLY matters most and use that as a starting point. What is your mental image of a “good life”? Is it something that makes sense for you, today? Are you being realistic given your circumstances?

You might need to tweak or readjust your definition. Drop comparisons and be real with yourself. You might need help adding more confidence, acceptance and learning to be ok with who you are on a deeper level, but, no matter what, this can be a meaningful exercise for all of us. Look inwards and redefine your vision in a way that resonates with you (trying to separate your own resonance from other people’s opinions).

3. Pick Your Fights

When you’re desperately wanting for something to change, you might get pulled into a whirlwind mission to fight your current reality. If you are tired, moody and on edge, fighting will be completely ineffective. The best thing you can do for yourself is to slow down, take a step back and embrace today.

If it’s an important fight, it will be waiting for you the next day, month or year. We can often afford to defer action (we just don’t always realize that it’s the best course of action when we are dysregulated) and sometimes, we realize it’s not that important in the end and we can easily let it go. If we can practice pausing, before acting, we can more fully embrace our reality, which often opens up new perspectives. This small pause, allows us to pick our fights wisely and in the end, shifts the process of our brains more than we fully realize. Practice letting go, allow things to unfold and notice what happens.

4. Tune In

You are not alone if you feel like the world keeps presenting you with the same challenge, the same dynamic or a similar struggle over and over and over again. Often there is something that we need to learn, and once we learn it, these patterns stop repeating themselves. Do you feel like everyone around you is stepping on your boundaries?

Perhaps you thought that you were being tested with patience. This problem won’t go away with increasing patience though, because you are meant to build up stronger boundaries. It’s sometimes hard to pinpoint the underlying key to pattern shifting on your own. Therapy can help you tune into what the world is trying to help you learn, so you stop suffering as much. As the famous quote goes, “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know” – Pema Chodron.

5. Flexibility, Endurance, Strength Training & Balance

The gym is not the only place we are called on to master flexibility, muscle building and balance! A good life is a life focused on the pursuit of this kind of health and wellness (not necessarily the acquisition of it). When life feels like we are constantly being hit and bruised by curveballs or we are in a boxing match we never win, getting hard hits to the gut, we gotta learn to play the game better. Flexibility will keep us going when we fall, and prevent us from snapping under stress. We practice strength training by building up our resiliency muscles and protective factors. We have to constantly pull ourselves toward the practice of balance through mindfulness and increasing self-awareness.

Struggles are part of the human condition. We can’t outsmart the “humanity” in our lives… but we can increase our skills to manage stress while learning to tolerate emotional discomfort. It seems so simple, but “Paired Muscle Relaxation” can help you train your system for distress tolerance. Try this; Make a tight fist for a few seconds, relax it, and then let it rest. Do 5-10 reps. You can also try this technique with any other group of muscles (face, legs, stomach) and see what happens.

6. Inner Freedom

Freedom isn’t about living devoid of responsibility, tasks or accountability. Rather, it is a stance, a way of engaging with our responsibilities, choices and relationships from a place of choice, willingness and willfulness. Own your freedom by untangling from negative self-talk, from a place of spaciousness, ease and choice.

Sometimes it’s ok to “Let it Go” and sometimes we want to hold on for dear life. Freedom can be found in either choice, depending on your outlook and mindset. We don’t always get to choose what happens to us, but we can choose our reactions and our next steps… and there is tremendous freedom in that choice.

I hope one of these has resonated, and that you can try even one of these ideas…and definitely tweak it to your needs.

This time is about you and your growth and healing.

Sending care your way,

Xx

Esther and the Integrative Team