Double Dating: When It's Ok, and When It's Not
Is Double Dating Ok?
Dating and Relationships For New York Daters
You’re sitting on your sofa starting at your phone, waiting for it to vibrate.
“Why hasn’t Josh texted yet?” you whisper out loud.
“I thought he said he’s excited about me, I wonder if he meant it or not.”
You look at the clock above your headboard and notice it’s been fifteen minutes since you’ve been staring at the phone.
You know that sitting here for the next two hours won’t magically make Josh text you, or make Josh feel differently about you than how he is feeling. All you can do is breath. And take care of yourself.
Finding love is a journey: Here’s how to sprinkle some joy in the process
Now, dating is definitely a stressful experience because it’s a process that involves your heart, your mind, energy and effort. It also requires you to open your heart, and be open to experiencing the other person, with their strengths, limits, emotional capacities and uncertainties as well.
Attachment theory explains how each of us have different attachment styles, and in dating, our attachment system gets activated as we are searching to connect with the heart of another person.
Knowing your attachment pattern or attachment tendency is important as it’ll help you understand the way you operate in relationships, and what kind of person helps you feel secure in relationships.
Now, back to You, dear reader,
Do you relate to that feeling of checking your phone? Ruminating if your “Josh” is going to text you?
Do you feel like you’re waiting for that message and can’t think of anything else?
Maybe you do the opposite, and forgot you even went out with someone, as you like to focus on practicalities in life until the relationship you’re in is solid.
Maybe you just shift focus because you compartmentalize, or maybe you like to protect your heart and not feel vulnerable until your connection with your date is secure.
Wherever you are, you’re normal.
Now, Josh may not text back right away, or he may text back later that day. Or he may never text. But, the person who is most important in this story is YOU.
Let’s zoom out of “will Josh(or whatever his/her name is) text you back?” and let’s focus on your vision.
What is your vision for partnership?
Why are you dating?
What is your commitment to yourself?
Do you need to remind yourself that you’re committed to finding love within 6 months?
Are you ready to get married and only dating men who are ready to settle down within a year?
Define YOUR why and recommit to your vision.
The man/woman you are dating will need to fit into your picture, but first, you need a clear picture before you bring someone in.
Marry your vision before marrying a potential partner
When you recommit to your vision, your anxiety lessens as you are committing to taking care of your unmet needs. This way, whether it works out with “Josh” or not, your commitment and vision is still there. Even if he’s not the one, your dream isn’t shattered; it simply will be fulfilled and built with someone who is more befitting.
The Hot Topic: Let’s discuss double dating.
When it comes to dating there are three phases of dating:
One: The Initial Phase of Dating called Sifting
In this phase you are interacting with others in a distant kind of way, where you are interacting but not yet developing an emotional bond. You are sifting, kind of using a mental sifter, to see if the person you are talking to has the qualities you need in order to begin dating. In the sifting phase, it is totally ok to be interacting with a few people at once, as you have not yet decided to date anyone. Sifting can be finding out information about the person, checking into some of their history from those who know them, or more directly, asking them some basic questions about themselves.
Double Dating is totally ok in the Sifting Phase:
It’s not Yet Real Dating
Depending on your cultural norms as well, the sifting period can include the first few dates, where you are getting to know each other.
The first few dates are ways to “Gather Data” about the person and see how that resonates with you.
Aside for what they say, how does it feel to be with them?
What is their relationship history like?
What do they talk about?
Do you share common values and beliefs?
Do they seem to be ready to settle into the kind of relationship you are looking for?
Are they focused on marriage or are they still in an exploration or “figuring it out” phase?
Do they want family life or is their career their priority?
Do they take care of their health? How are they physically emotionally, mentally and socially?
All of these are important.
It is ok to be sifting a few people at the same time, as you will find that a few will fall to the wayside, and you’ll be left with one that is right enough for the next phase, called dating. Now, you may sift a few people and notice that none are for you. It can be super disheartening to come to that realization, but please don’t fret. It’s better to let go of someone who didn’t pass the sifting phase than to waste your time, energy and focus on something that will simmer to the ground within a few months.
Two: The Second Phase is called Dating.
In this phase, both of you have decided that you are ready to properly date and give this dating a real try. You have gotten enough data that lets you know you are heading in similar directions and want similar things, and you feel comfortable enough with your dynamic and past communication to keep dating and getting to know each other.
This does not mean you are getting married to this person, nor does it mean they are your “everything”.
Dating can bring up a lot of uncertainty, and for some, there is this desperate need to know, with certainty, if this is “The One”. If y0u have that anxiety, know that is is normal, and a the same time, I encourage you to work with the part of you that is seeking assurance. Parts Therapy, also called Internal Family Systems, can help you find a way to calm down and help your system engage in this unknown process with more ease and trust.
Find a loving mentor, parent, friend or therapist to provide a platform of stability for you to lean on while you navigate the new waters of the relationship. Here’s a blog that can help you too, “9 Ways To Reduce Relationship Anxiety”.
Of course, if the relationship evolves, it can become a haven of safety and calm, but that cannot be rushed.
You may also notice that you have a part of you wanting to pull away from the relationship when you notice that you are starting to get attached. This is also normal. The anxiety and avoidance can come in waves, and it is wise to have someone to check in with so they help you ride the waves so you don’t prematurely check out of a relationship that may be promising.
Double dating in this phase is NOT respectful and NOT ok.
Once you are properly dating, you are committing to opening up, slowly, to the person you are dating. Though you don’t know where this may go, you are committing to giving this dynamic a real shot. If you were to be dating other people, you would not be focusing on this relationship, and you would not get to process miscommunications or be attentive to the person in front of you. Double dating at this phase would also indicate a fear of intimacy or a need to escape when relationships get real.
When you avoid intimacy, there is a frightened part of you that needs some attention, healing and assurance.
Intimacy, while beautiful and deeply satisfying, can feel frightening to many who have not had the experience of being emotionally intimate with anyone before. This can be from being in a relationship with someone who was emotionally unavailable, or from having experienced emotional neglect. You may be afraid of intimacy, and this is something you can work on with a therapist. Most people want intimacy, however, when they unconsciously push it away, there is usually some wound or fear driving the bus.
Want to read about Emotional Intimacy? It’s deeper than Just Sex.. Read here!
If someone double dates in this phase, they have broken the trust. They may not be ready to hold your heart with tenderness. You may want to thoughtfully consider breaking up.
However, if you are able to both be committed to this process, you’ll be able to deepen your relationship, and evolve in this phase. You will find the relationship to begin feeling stabilizing and nourishing. The emotional intimacy will become the bedrock to the connection and is the pathway towards becoming best friends, and slowly evolving into lovers and skilled communicators. Of course, this takes time but it happens with time, skill and good relationship guidance.
Three: The Final Phase of Dating: In A Relationship.
This is so much deeper than changing your profile picture on your WhatsApp status or changing your relationship status on facebook. This is about really stabilizing into the relationship and feeling the security of becoming “the one” for each other. You begin feeling the warmth in your heart when you think about your connection, and you have a steady blanket of security with the past experiences and months you’ve been dating, that lets you know your can let your guard down.
The Relationship Phase isn’t devoid of issues, disagreements or bumps, however, it is a lot more easy than the earlier phase as you have learned to know how each other think, feel and interact. You have learned the ways you operate, what makes the other one feel seen, heard and loved. You also know what can cause your partner distress or be a trigger point.
In this phase, if one of you “double date” it would be considered cheating.
In this phase, you both are holding each others’ hearts with care, compassion, respect and tenderness. You are devoted not just to each other, but you include them in your plans, current and future. You have met each others’ families, friends and are incorporated in each others’ daily lives. If you are both marriage minded, you will begin talking about engagement or marriage, and at some later point plan a date to marry. If children or education are in the books for both of you, you will discuss next steps.
Whatever it is, at this point, your lives have begun blending together like a blended smoothie. The awkwardness is gone and you are able to move into the next levels of connection, deepening, growing, evolving and building your lives together.
Turning back to you, dear reader…
I hope that this article provides some insight and input to help you as you are navigating the dating world. Please do stay committed to your vision, to your goals and to your needs in a love relationship. Please don’t settle for less-than, and please do listen to your gut when you get a sense to slow down and notice a pause inside.
Try to decipher the difference between anxiety and excitement, and take your time building your love relationship.
And one last point, as mentioned in this blog, I strongly urge you to keep sex off the table until you know you are both in this for the right reason. It’s just a recommendation, but one that has helped many sift serious partners from “hook-up”partners.
Now, I’ll be sending you heaps of clarity and support from my office in Long Island, New York, urging you to trust in yourself and praying that you find the love and relationship you so deeply desire and deserve.
Want some personalized support? We are here for you.
And if you are in a place where you are ready to do some deeper digging with a relationship therapist, to help you find and deepen true love, reach out here for your free 15 minute consultation. Our staff are highly skilled and devoted to helping you find inner peace and take steps towards meaningful relationships.
Much love,
Esther and the Integrative Team