Feelings "On- Demand"

FEELINGS “ON-DEMAND”

Being part of the human race, we know that challenges are inevitable in life. 

Sometimes the challenges are predictable, but most often they have a tendency to spring-up on us, without warning. These challenges; like the loss of a loved one, a divorce, financial burdens, big moves, illness... can never really be planned for, and the feelings associated with the struggle don’t simply dissipate just because the joyous twinkly lights season is here

The emotional distress in the world right now can feel really real, and let’s be honest, we don’t get the luxury of turning on-and-off like TV on-demand.  I mean, on-demand does sound enticing… 

When the world around believes in magic and you’re trying to find your little magical spark

We do live in a world that allows us to believe in magic, instant gratification, fairy tale endings, the ability to fast forward through the tough stuff, instant-replays and instant-gratification, filtered highlight reels… I can go on, but I think you get the point. 

The real-life realities that most of us face, navigate and deal with

In the real world, families fight, dysfunctional dynamics get passed down intergenerationally, people break up, people die, get laid off, are affected by mental illness... kids get bullied… and it’s not a reality you can easily fast-forward, edit to your liking, or pause on-demand.

The heartfelt, well-wishes for a joyous holiday season, a fun vacation, or the temporary distraction of social events don’t actually help all that much when you are mid-struggle. 

When it’s OK to not be feeling all that OK

I know this sounds a bit corny and over-simplified, but sometimes, a little reminder of something important can help a little bit: “it’s Ok to not be Ok”. (We will get more into this in my blog post called “Permission Slip”)

How leaning into feelings helps them feel a bit less scary, and maybe even manageable

But for now, let’s discuss feelings and why they are important to embrace rather than fight. 

We all have a relationship with our emotions and our feelings. Some of us ride those waves loudly, and others have learned to avoid them and pretend they don’t exist.

Some may have figured out ways of shoving feelings deep down inside so that they are less annoying to us or others. Some fo you might have been taught that your emotions make us look weak, vulnerable and pathetic. Many people learn to fake and hide them to make others more comfortable or to avoid being made fun of, yelled at, or punished. If you’ve been taught to feel shame for our emotions, when they surface, they will likely feel overwhelming, heavy and burdensome.

Emotions arent burdens if you expect them to come, and trust they will soften, and settle with time

I’m happy to tell you that if you learned that avoiding emotions is the safe way to go (as a child, as a teen or even at some point in adulthood) that it is far from the truth. Actually, if you learn to be with them and trust they can ebb and flow, you’ll be a lot calmer of a person in the longrun.

Sometimes, even the most loving friends, parents or other well intentioned individuals can be lacking in skill, and your job is to help yourself do life in ways that are good for you.

YOUR FEELINGS ARE ACTUALLY INCREDIBLY VALUABLE

If I were to put my hand on a hot stove, I would feel tremendous pain, and my nerves would send messages to my brain saying, “Ouch, Esther, quick, move your hand so you don’t get a third degree burn!”. Now if my nervous system is working properly, then my pain will protect me from keeping my hand there for too long. When things are working as they should, I may just need a little Aloe and a few days and my hand will be as good as new. If I ignore the pain, I will probably be left with a scar.

What happens when we ignore the pain? It pops back up.

If I keep ignoring the pain, I will probably need to go to the hospital and have my hand grafted with new skin and possibly have irreparable damage to my nerves. I can keep going, but I think you can imagine what will happen if I keep ignoring my pain. 

The science on feelings and reactions and how our brain works in wondrous way

If we look at it like that, we actually should be quite grateful for nervous system pain - as it is meant to alert and protect us.

Our brains work in the exact same way. Emotions are designed to warn us and protect us from danger. They help us survive, grow, and thrive - when they are functioning properly.

Have you ever felt an emotion and didn’t know why?

Often people will feel emotions even though they don’t understand the origins or have not had any thoughts related to those emotions. That’s because our brain can trigger emotions unconsciously, and alert us to “danger” or discomfort, independently of our thoughts. 

Our thoughts can help us reason with our emotions; like if we are triggered by something that feels familiar, but we are not actually in danger, our thoughts can help us work it through and realize that although this feels similar, we are not in actual danger right now. Wow! Powerful, right? Our thoughts are so powerful that they can even help shove emotions deep down and convince us that we are not in danger even when we ARE. (Like if we were to keep our hand on the stove and ignore the pain signal). 

Children and emotions = adults with similar emotions

As I mentioned before, when children are brought up thinking that their emotions are bad or annoying, they grow up being masters at ignoring emotional pain signals. As you can imagine, this makes the situation much worse as time goes on. At vulnerable points in our lives, the repressed emotions reach their max and will generally result in mental illness or even physical pain (like back pain, headaches or a compromised immune system). While it’s much easier to prevent damage than it is to repair it, luckily, with all the latest research, we know that repair IS possible.

Scientific discoveries have provided hope to so many people with mental health struggles and mental illness. Our brains can be “re-grafted” or “re-wired”. If there is no truly severe damage, our emotional equilibrium can be restored once again with therapy, education, and/ or medication. 

“If you believe breaking is possible, believe fixing is possible” -Rabbi Nachman of Breslov

TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED

Since we now understand how important emotions are, and how they are actually quite valuable and good, even if they are uncomfortable and undesirable, where does that leave us with the forced holiday cheer and fake smiles on our faces thing? 

Great question

Sometimes just allowing ourselves the permission to feel is enough to release the emotion and allow for emotional safety. 

When you are in a situation that requires you to be a certain way “On Demand” it can be very challenging. Allow yourself to NOT be in a “Holiday Spirit” this year! Doesn’t that sound liberating? Some phases of life may require a different you. Rather than inviting guests, if needed, invite grief, and let the holiday cheer hang out in someone else’s house until the next holiday season. Listen to what your body needs and go with that. 

The following is a quote that I use to remind myself the steps that work for me to recalibrate as needed. There is no timeline on it. Nobody can set a time limit on your emotions (including YOU). 

Take all the time you need to: 

Re-Define

Re-Create

Re-Align

Re-Connect

Re-Celebrate

That’s my invitation to you. The slower you go, the “faster” we often get to clarity and a sense of okayness.

I hope you are having a wonderful holiday full of blessing and as much relaxation, at doses that feel sweet and right for you.

Sending loving warm wishes to wherever in the world you are,

Xx

Esther