Boundary Setting Tips During Holiday Season

It’s a good time of year to identify some strategies for setting appropriate and healthy boundaries. 

BOUNDARY SETTING FOR THE BOUNDARYLESS

In case you know the concept of boundaries but struggle with really setting those boundaries in real time, or in case you never really learned that boundaries are OK, I will share a few points that I hope you can take to heart; 

1} You may get some kickback

People without boundaries strongly dislike when people have boundaries. It’s OK for them not to like your boundaries. That does not mean you don’t have to set them. It protects them as much as it protects you (even though they don’t understand why and may never understand why).

2} You’re Allowed to Make Time for Life

You can tell a mother in law that you aren’t available during your quiet time in the evening. You can tell a boss that you will not be available to answer your phone during designated hours. If you are in a position that does not really require you to work 24/7 but your boss just doesn’t have healthy boundaries, you can let him or her know that you must make time for your other responsibilities, and unless there is an emergency you will not be responding to texts or emails during your time off.

3} Verbal Boundaries Are a Thing, Too!

You can set boundaries on the way you can be spoken to. If your boss, family member, “friend” or teacher speaks in an abusive or overly aggressive tone, you can respectfully say something like, “I am happy to speak with you (and with a boss, I’m happy to comply with your wishes), but I don’t feel comfortable with the manner in which you are asking me. Please speak to me in a kinder way.” This may feel particularly difficult for people who are brought up in abusive homes or people who think that authority has the right to treat people poorly. No matter what, you need to be spoken to with respect and kindness.

4} “Charity” has limits

You may be a very kind and giving, generous person, and still set boundaries. In all loving relationships, there are boundaries that keep the relationship secure and healthy. Boundaries are necessary to keep being kind, because when there are blurry boundaries or lacking boundaries, it’s easy to feel aggravated, and annoyed, and that doesn’t leave a happy or sparkly feeling for anyone involved.

So, if the the task your boss requires you to do are not within your job description, and you’re feeling able to give, you may choose to go a bit above, but be mindful of what you are or aren’t comfortable doing. A bit of charity is ok, but try to keep in mind that even in the Torah (Bible) there are rules for how much charity you are allowed to give. It works with time as well.

5} Yes, Boundaries in Intimate Relationships Are Healthy Too!

You do not have to share every detail of your life with your partner or parent. Boundaries actually help with genuine connection. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s true. Boundaries actually are there to protect the relationship.

6} Time Boundaries

You can set boundaries with the amount of family time you can handle this holiday (if any) and who you will spend time with. If you feel you have to do the obligatory zoom visit with great aunt polly, who irritates you, criticizes you, asks you inappropriate and prying questions and makes you uncomfortable, first ask her politely not to. Since she has dementia that’s not likely to help all that much. Make sure you have an exit strategy set in place and you can limit the time spent with her. If you are really anxious about it, send her a video message and tell her that you need to check in in your zoom connection but you wanted to drop her a lovely video note.

7} Social Media Boundaries

You can take a break from social media if it makes you feel anxious, depressed, or any other heavy emotion. People will live without your plastered smile for a few days. We all know that the crevices of reality and imperfections aren’t portrayed online. Choosing to look outward when you are feeling vulnerable is usually a slippery slope to “Yuck Ville”. Skip the scrolling, or at least limit the time on social media if you need to.

Make sure to schedule some time with those of your friends or family that you truly enjoy being with. Those people you can just be so you around. Surround yourself with people who support you, your life, and the choices you make. We all have people who believe in us. Stick with those people! Those are your people. 

Boundary work is a rolling goal.

If all your boundary efforts fail, try as much as possible to take it easy and try again tomorrow.

Flow compassion for yourself.

Know that most of the time things don't go exactly as planned. Sometimes things go better than expected. And sometimes they bomb.

Do your best to ride those waves.

Remember, these are the times we create memories. Connections. Love. Relationships. It's your time to just be.

I’ll be here sipping my warm latte and sending warm wishes your way.

Until next time,

Esther