The "Not-Enough-Ness" Plea

What is it 

about this not-enough-ness

that plagues the soul

the heart

the head

the ache in your chest

in your throat 

as it wells up

saying its story

or rather 

roaring its story 

in a loud booming voice

that feels as though it isn't meant to be heard

it may  feel like it needs to be muffled 

out of fear 

that it will overtake 

your entire existence

"you're not enough" it yells

as loud as it possibly can

louder and louder

then 

you may feel that nag

of the inner voice

speaking up

"don't you dare tell me I'm not enough"

I know too darn well

that I'm not enough

I'm trying my best

but somehow 

I can't escape the feelings

of

 feeling broken 

feeling wounded

feeling hurt

I'm imperfect

and maybe

I think I'm lazy

I'm not deserving of love

I know I know

Then

there's a slow rumble

a rumbling 

similar to thunder 

no

No

NO! 

It's the inner wise voice

"stop that!"

you are not any of those

those are old voices

voices of the past

you, darling

are hurting

can you  give yourself a moment

to feel the hurt

instead of rushing 

to fixing it

by doing more

by feeling like

more

things

people

accomplishments

would be better 

or soothe you 

in some way

to distract

or numb.

I get it.

I know,

maybe 

you weren't seen

or heard

or felt

and this was the way

you found

that would help you 

feel better

or finally

see yourself

or others finally started seeing you

by the things you "did".

It makes sense then

to keep running

in the lane where you're ahead

or where the platform is higher

or where you're striving

for something

to finally fill you up

but 

the loss is 

that you're not 

slowing down

to see the need

to hear the voice

that is whispering

I'm hungry

I'm lonely

stop running

stop rushing

you're leaving me behind.."

behind in the dark

cold

passageway

dark in the freezing cold

saying, "you've left me"

to tend to "other things"

because those  "things"

they numb

they ignore 

they stifle the pain 

but if you listen to me

I promise

I have some answers

I do need you

to first hear me out

my sorrows 

my wounds

my suffering

my non perfect legs that run

my imperfect heart that loves

my beautifully flawed soul that yearns

and my voice that speaks 

I slowly unfold

like a blossoming flower

opening up

each petal

as you listen 

and hear

the wisdom

the grief

the pain

and from there

comes the creativity

the wonder

the hope

the possibilities 

the change

the amazement 

of the things

we can do 

together

but first,

I need you.

So darling,

you think you're not enough

when in truth

in reality

 you're more than enough

you have the key

to the smartest soul

the deepest yearning

the shiniest essence

of yourself

your soul

and your journey

so please turn inward

listen to the voice that says

you're ok

you're good

and enough, you most definitely are. 

Sending love and strength.

XX

Esther and the Integrative Team