He Wanted to Die a Peaceful Man
“I don’t want to take my rage to the grave with me”
——
He told me he wanted to die as a peaceful man.
"you want to what?"
I asked, grasping the phone, putting it closer to my ear.
I wondered if I misheard him.
"You heard me right, Esther. I want to die a peaceful death."
"Listen, I'm an old man" said the deep and somewhat raspy voice on the other end of the line.
"I have been angry all my life, but now I know I've got a few more years to live, and I want to live with inner peace.
"Can you help me do that?"
"I'd love to see what I can do to help you", I said.
I continued the conversation until I booked Harvey on my appointment book for the following week.
---
Harvey had a hard life.
And he had battle scars to show it - deep forehead lines where his angry face would often rest, and lips that were perpetually downturned- a frown.
But, he was turning 70 and he wanted to find peace. He had every right to be angry and mad, and he was. But he had enough. A recent enounter with his son got him thinking about the legacy he was leaving and how few years he had left.
---
Harvey and I did some deep work. Sessions where we unearthed deep sadness, grief and hurt. Sessions where he came in with anger in his cells, and left feeling lighter, bit by bit. I welcomed his anger. It was his shield all his life. But it cost him too much and he was ready to do the work.
His heart ached, deeply.
My eyes watered when his heart began to soften.
The work with Harvey humbled me. It changed me. I respect Harvey so much. For knowing that it is never too late to do the work. To give yourself (and your loved ones) the gift of healing.
--
The Silent Robber: Anger
When we hold anger in our minds and bodies, we rob ourselves of so much. Or rather, I should say, we are robbed.
Robbed of meaningful moments.
..Of moments of connection
...Of enjoying that beautiful song on the radio
...Of seeing your loved one laugh, or cry, or be curious
...Of building a life of love
...Of feeling ok being in your own mind...
...Of being comfortable in your body
...Of modeling healthy ways to regulate BIG emotions (to the little ones in your life)
Shed one layer of anger | A road to a better life
So, my dear reader, what do you need to do, say or face, so that you can shed a layer of anger, today?
Face the pain you've been holding
Let yourself cry instead of staying strong
Don't say "yes" when you want to say "no, I'm not ok with it"
Shake your arms and legs and let some intensity out
Stop allowing someone to step on your boundaries or invade your space
Do the work to silence the inner critic/negative voices in your head.
Which one are you choosing?
Yes, we all carry emotions. Big and small ones. Harvey was so angry at his dad. And he had a right, but it robbed him of enjoying so many years of his life.
Though he initially wanted our therapy to make him "happy", our work consisted of actually allowing him to share his story, grieve the pains he endured, and find laughter again.
Life can be enjoyable, even when we have endured pain, suffering or loss. But we can't skip over the feelings, the "work" or facing what's coming up for us. Making space for pain is the same valve as pleasure.
Feel the tough feelings, and only then there's space for the "good feels".
Let Harvey inspire you, as he has inspired me.
Show up for you. For the gifts life has to give you.
For the moments in front of you.
Don't wait until 70 to reach out for a change.
Start today.
Comment below, and let me know what you're doing to face something, to name something, to process something.
Supporting you as you choose the next healthy step for your heart, your mind and your spirit. No choice is too small.
Sending strength your way!
Xx,
Esther
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