7 Mindset Shifts to Help You Ride the Waves of Grief

If you’ve been touched by death, my heart feels for yours. The loss of a loved one, a parent or siblings is devastating. Many people are impacted by grief when they lose friends, colleagues and pets. Everyone is affected differently by different losses and grieves differently in response to their losses.

Those griefs can bring new griefs as you move through phases of life and new experiences without your loved one. Each lifecycle event or milestone can trigger latent emotional tidal waves. Grief is an ongoing journey with no end. It’s about learning to accept and live with this new reality.

It will take time to find the strength to even attempt to shift your mindset, but I trust, one day, you will be able to breathe just a bit deeper than the day before and the sun will feel warm again.

Grieving can feel messy and all-over-the-place. And, even with the messiness and individuality of your healing, you can take steps to make today a little bit more ok.

1. Unshakable Self Care Is Not Selfish

You are probably tempted to just keep going about your daily routine (or lack of routine) because it is what feels familiar - even if it’s lacking in much-needed “me” time. The ability to move through grief is not about “getting over it”, distracting yourself or allowing yourself to drown in sorrow. It is about creating a steady framework for self-care. Not the mani-pedi and spa treatment kind of self care (although that’s not a bad idea to include in your schedule sometimes), but it is about carving out time and space for yourself to actually feel the “feels” that are coming at you fast and furious, so you won’t end up getting swept up into a stream of endless sadness.

Make sure you are eating well, sleeping properly and are getting extra rest. You might not yet know how to tune into what your body needs, but with practice, and perhaps some extra support, you will become a pro. Trauma, loss and grief are better processed when you can nurture your body and offer it the extra care it needs. Exercise, journal, get adequate sunshine, surround yourself with good people and make sure to drink enough nourishing fluids to stay hydrated.

2. Invite all the “Feels” Without Trying to Escape Them.

Grief, loss and hurts are painful. Scary. Confusing. Upsetting. And that’s why it's understandable that many people like to avoid feeling them. They might even shut down completely if they feel that their emotions might overwhelm their system. Ignoring the hurt just repositions the pain. It ends up popping up somewhere else, like a whack-a-mole game, making it worse in the long run. Many people even turn to drugs, alcohol or other addictions to try and numb the pain.

Anger, irritability, depression, chronic body aches, neck pain, anxiety and other health problems serve the same biological purpose. We want to learn to feel, deal and heal, so we can move forward and through. By embracing the hurt and allowing the losses to exist, letting yourself experience the sadness, the pain, the flowing of tears, frustration and conflicted feelings, it might feel harder in the short term, but it is actually a healthier remedy that creates emotional space for longer term healthy living.

3. Find Safe Ways to Let Your Loved Ones In

Though many of our families can be all about “pulling yourself together”, “pasting on a smile” and “keeping your issues to yourself', it’s also important to let those close to you know what you’re going through. Find the people who have earned the right to be in the know (you want to feel supported when you share, not shamed by people who don’t get it). Be wise in the words you use and with whom. Let the safe people in your life in on your process.

Give them a window into your pain and grief. You don’t have to share all the details with everyone. In fact, you should be selective. But do let the people in your life know that you are grieving in a way that feels safe. The people who tend to be more judgmental or stressful can get a broader explanation than those who you feel close enough to share more with. Let them know that you’re not your usual self, that your distance is not about them and you are being honest and real about it. People around you can only be sensitive and respectful to you and your process when you are clear with them.

4. Embrace Your Inner Introvert but Don’t Get too Comfy in Isolation

Grief is a very personal experience. Some feelings or sensations don’t have words and may not even be understood by those who love you dearly. Make sure you’re tuning inward and offering the necessary softness and warmth to your own heart and soul. Over time you will learn what to share with others and when it’s really time to be with yourself and your own internal process.

At the same time, don’t use this as an excuse to isolate yourself. Even when others may not fully “get it”, you still need the love, compassion and connection from others. We need community and connection to heal. It is one of our basic human needs. Make sure to spend time around others even if you’re not feeling chirpy and in the mood of socializing. You can even go to a library, the gym or to an art class if you’re not up to talking to people you know.

Have a little chat with your local barista or the cashier at Target. I encourage you, as well, to make time to connect and engage socially with the people you care about as soon as possible. Let people in as much and as often as you can. Allow others in to comfort you, sit with you as you cry and bear witness to your pain. There’s a healing component in that, even if you have become self-sufficient in your grief.

5. Carve Space & Time for Lifelong Healing

Carve healing spaces into your daily and monthly routines. Healing isn’t just a short term focused idea; it’s a lifelong approach. Grief doesn’t ever fully go away and scars don’t naturally disappear. Of course, as you heal you will slowly shift out of the deep pains and the intensity of grief will subside a bit. But some hurts will be there for a long time, so you will want to carve out space for acceptance into your long term plan. And sometimes, deeper losses are there forever.

Losing a loved one, grieving the love of parents you never had, losing your nest-egg (financial savings) or feeling betrayed by a long term love, all hurt deeply. Although time will help dull the intensity a bit, time, in and of itself, does not heal wounds. It’s important to recognize that it will always be normal to feel empty, confused, frightened or upset. It might come in waves, but the waves will vary in the height and intensity of the tide. Carve space into your life to tend to those hurts. The more you adjust your life to embrace your new reality, the better you’ll move with and through the processes of healing.

6. You Have the Power to Become Your Own Expert Healer

No one has been in your exact shoes. No one has lived your exact life. Well-meaning people like to share their stories of what worked for them and tell you “how to heal” and what you “should” be doing to feel better. When you become the expert in your own healing you can more easily thank others for their care and for sharing their expertise based on their life, while gently turning it down because it doesn’t work for you (or you don’t care to hear what they have to say).

You don’t need to listen to every person who shares unsolicited advice. You will become your own expert and know if you need to laugh, cry, go out or stay home, snuggled up in your cozy PJs. You will know if you’re up to reconnecting with situations or people that bring up things for you, or if it’s too premature. It can be hard at first, but you will develop broad shoulders so you can feel more confident in being discerning. By owning your grief, and owning your emotions you’ll be owning your personalized healing. No self Shaming. No judgement No right or wrong way. It’s just your way.

7. Give yourself permission to grieve.

The life you thought you’d have while you’re slowly building the life you currently have

The love you hoped for but are currently facing a different reality than expected

The struggles you’ve been facing keeping up to par in university or at work

The health you envisioned for your body, yet you are struggling with chronic pain

The love you sought in your family but did not receive

The parents you wished you’d had

The holidays that bring up feelings of confusion, loss and isolation

The loss of freedom that comes along with a new life stage

The expectations you’ve had to release due to personal limitations

The realization that your loved one might never fully understand a big part of you

The awareness that your social group is shifting

The loss of a leadership role at work or a big change in your job description

The shifts in your financial earnings

The loss of safety when you’ve been betrayed or hurt by someone you trusted

The diminished confidence in yourself as you navigate a new, scary phase of life

The changes in your relationship with G-d or your beliefs

The ending of a relationship and the pains that come along with it

The mental health challenges that run in the family and the pain it causes you

The siblings you didn’t get to have, or the relationship you wish you had

The brains you wish you had

The creativity that just doesn’t flow naturally for you

The concentration you have been having a hard time with lately

The physical fitness level you have never been able to achieve

The changes in your identity as you mature

The loss of naivety as you are exposed to the harshness of the world

The thick skin and aggression you’ve had to use in frightening situations

The difficult associations you have with intimacy, sex and love

The years you lost being disconnected from yourself and others

The difficulties you have had in cultivating healthy relationships

You have permission to grieve any other forms of losses as well.

Ups and downs are expected, as long as you stay the course

As you attempt these shifts, remember that it’s OK and expected to backslide or feel depleted of energy as you face this new lifestyle that feels so foreign. Always remember that tomorrow is a new day. Eventually your new outlook and routine will click and become a part of you. Although it’s daunting to accept this forever task of learning to live with grief, eventually you won’t have to try as hard to show up for yourself and others.

Eventually you will find a new unique and special way to create a space of honor for your loved one in this new life and you will feel a wave of warmth when you think of them, rather than get knocked down by the high tides (unless there is some unprocessed tension you have with the one you lost. In that case, you might consider some therapy to help alleviate that burden so you can shift without carrying the extra weight of this burden around with you).

Be patient with yourself and offer yourself grace.

Much love,

Xx

Esther and the Integrative Team